To think that DH resents my career progression?

[GelatinousDynamo]

Some background information to start with: my DH (in his mid-forties) is 10 years older than me. No kids. We met at work (a large accountancy firm, he wasn't my boss) and have been together for 9 years, married for 2. In our old firm he was made junior partner, but was unhappy and left, he has been self-employed since. His business is going quite well, but his revenue growth is of course limited - he has no employees (doesn't want any) and can only work what he can manage on his own, he has almost reached his limit.

In the nine years we've been together I've been rather career driven, have finished my professional exams and changed firms, I've climbed the career ladder and now manage a mid-sized team and have managed to acquire and maintain some good client relationships. I had my yearly review last week and my boss announced that he'll be putting me on the "inner circle" partner track. This basically means that I will make partner in the next 2-3 years, unless I manage to fuck up spectacularly (I hope not).

Of course I told my DH as soon as I got home. DH of course made all the right noises, congratulated me, but somehow I had a feeling that something wasn't right. I had to pester him a little, but then he admitted that he wasn't sure if I wasn't making a mistake. That he's been there and he couldn't deal with the pressure and the politics and that I'm even worse at dealing with pressure than he is (that's actually true). I simply said that I've been working towards it for years, and that I could always leave if it didn't work out.

But I have this feeling that he's been acting strange since then. Like it would be a personal insult to him if I succeeded where he did not. He's suddenly making noises that his job is useless anyway (it's not), and that maybe he should become a SAHH if I'm going to be earning more than double his earnings anyway. It's supposed to be joke, but no one's laughing. We were talking yesterday about repairs that will be needed on our house in the next few years, and I said maybe we should wait how my job works out, sell this house and buy something closer to the city, so I wouldn't have to commute as far (it takes me about 2 hours a day, luckily I can WFH 2 days per week, he only WFH). He then said something like "sorry, this is the best house I could afford" (2/3 belong to him because I couldn't raise that much down payment at the time) and this is where I just had enough. Told him to grow up. Now we're not speaking and I'm wondering if I went too far, should have taken more care with his feelings, or if my anger is justified and he's just being a manchild. My understanding was that this was an equal partnership, but suddenly it seems to me like I'm not allowed to outgrow him.

My (part time) salary is more than triple my husbands (full time) salary and that gap is likely to grow due to the careers we've chosen. He will always have to work longer hours for less pay than me. He's really proud of me and celebrates my success, but I know it grates that he's not the main breadwinner. We tend to avoid conversations about money (we're able to as I'm an accountant in a very specialist field so I've always managed our joint finances) but on the occasions we have discussed it frankly I can see how he feels, so try not to make him feel any worse about it. He contributes more than his fair share with housework and childcare, and pays his fair share relative to his income. I think its tough all round to step out of societal norms, he judges himself and feels other judge on "what a man should provide". We've come so far with equality, but somehow society still projects that the little lady having a proper career is only ok if it's overshadowed by the big important man's career. I'm not saying you DH sulking is OK, he needs to find a way to deal with it, but he's probably feeling emasculated, and watching you living his career aspirations while knowing it was his own fault he's not doing that for himself. Congratulations and good luck!

Thank you! But are your saying that you are forever going to tiptoe around your DHs pride and (masculine) issues? Is this the life that I'm signing up for, always watching myself and being careful not to hurt his ego? Avoiding proper, honest conversations about money because it might make him sulk?

My exH became like that almost overnight after I got a promotion while he was dealing with a setback at work. Until then he had been the one to have better grades at uni, then higher salary etc.

He started subtly sabotaging my confidence, then ramped up with angry phonecalls when he knew I was in an important meeting or client dinner, then cause an argument the night before an important work day, put pressure on me to quit, told me I'm not a good enough wife and would make a terrible mother because I prioritise money over family etc.

I dug my heels in, prioritised my career and left him. I have never ever regretted this.

Unfortunately, once they show themselves to be like this, there is no going back. Because if you quit, you will resent him, he will hold it over you, and the relationship will be over anyway. And you won't have a good career anymore either.

He then said something like "sorry, this is the best house I could afford" (2/3 belong to him because I couldn't raise that much down payment at the time)

I could understand ringfencing his larger deposit, but why does he own 2/3? Is he paying 2/3 of mortgage and running costs...

Also meant to add, after I left my exH, I found my current DH who, despite earning about 3x less than me as he's a civil servant, is nothing but proud and supportive of me. We're a team. I respect him, he respects me. He sees it as an advantage that he gets to leave work at 4pm and do nursery pick ups, as I can't.

All that stuff about poor men and their ego is BS. Plenty of good, confident men out there.

Yes, this is how we've worked it out at the time. I pay 1/3 of the mortgage, he pays 2/3, so it's all fair. The bills are paid according to what we make, which is pretty much 50/50 right now (it used to be that I paid less than him because he used to earn significantly more than me).

I'm back to being angry today: I've had a call from the MIL. Middle of the day at work obviously, because women should not hold full time jobs anyway (according to my MIL). Apparently, DH has been complaining to her that I've been focusing on work and neglecting him, that he's always spending his evenings alone (not true, I WFH 2 days a week and try to be home by 7 pm on the office days, so that we can at least eat dinner together and talk afterwards). Which is why she's called me, to intervene, because why would a grown up man be expected to talk to his wife, when he can go cry to mommy... The only issues we've had so far concerned my MIL. Now it's my MIL andy my job, apparently. She's also complaining that I was the one that wanted a dog (true, but he agreed) and am now expecting him to do all the work (false, I walk and train the dog, he's only supposed to do one walk per day whenever I'm not home and feed him from time to time, and we've agreed on it beforehand).

I'm seriously fantasising about taking the dog and leaving, but I know it's going to be difficult. I don't want to leave and I honestly hate it that everything has become so shitty so fast, just because of a (slight, potential) change in circumstances. Why did he have to involve his mother in all of this? I had a feeling that we could have solved this, but I'm not so sure now.

His mother and I have issues, obviously. See my previous posts on MN.

@GelatinousDynamo he's grinding you down. My exH did the same. Interrupting me at work so I couldn't focus, get home upset, then he could tell me I'm neglecting him and prioritising work over him.

Gosh posters are so over the top.

He's feeling a bit insecure, women who stepped back sometimes feel twinges if this when a former Co-worker gets promoted past them. It's natural. He's feeling a bit disappointed; wondering whether he should have hacked it out

It's a problem if he doesn't get over it. Less so if he does..,

Ridiculous people are screaming divorce him

Spoke too soon...

Let it settle but who goes crying to their mother.

Doesn't bode well for the future..!

In a similar position, I ended up leaving my EXDP. The more successful I became, the more resentful he became. By the time I left him, I was earning more than double what he was (and he earned a very good salary), but he didn't know it as I had stopped telling him about payrises etc because it made him more cross.

He became emotionally abusive, and would put me down with sharp comments about my work, and during some memorable times during Covid, he would send DC (then aged 3 and 4) into the room when I had work meetings to sabotage them. Very challenging and stressful when you're part of a group leading a 2,000 person organisation and finding our way through Covid, and that's going on at home. I ended up having to lock my work room door!

In your shoes, I would go for marriage counselling, and quickly, so these issues can be discussed in a non-confrontational way, and a third party can help you work through them. My EXDP refused therapy, and as things got worse with his attitude towards my success, I left to save my sanity. I now live in an area that he said we couldn't afford (what he meant was he couldn't afford), and have a very nice lifestyle.

Your DH needs to want to save the marriage as much as you do, and not let his ego get the better of him, otherwise it'll all be over.

He's not on your team, and he sounds like a pathetic mummy's boy who needs her intervention, take the dog and go be successful without this loser

I initially said give him a minute. And now I'm fuming on your behalf. It's absolutely outrageous that he would go to his mum to complain and I assume ask her to intervene especially knowing that the two of you have issues.

Start getting your ducks in a row. I'd probably offer to try counselling if you really don't want to leave and think it may be fixable. In the longer term if he doesn't change his attitude youll never be happy. It's not 'just' about earnings and your job. Gradually you'll be expected to play down all your successes and happiness and that's no way to live.

Men who celebrate and support do exist (I found one before I knew it was needed) but mores the point you're better being alone than being with someone who wants you to be small for them to feel big

His stag horns have taken a massive hit. He sounds like he's coming from a 'he's the man and should be providing for his family' place, especially with you saying about selling up and moving 'to the city' as you'll be able to afford to now with your promotion. His ego is dented and as much as people say in this day and age it shouldn't matter and he should grow up etc etc. It is still an ingrained thought process that the man is the provider.
He is also looking out for you by saying about you handling the pressure of it, you do state yourself you are worse than him for handling it.

Congratulations! And no, fragile male egos should not be catered to.

How much do you need a husband who either can't stop his mother ringing you at work to moan at you, or else wants his mother to ring you at work to moan at you? Why does she have your work number and why would it even occur to her to ring you at work outside of an emergency? "Sorry I can't talk just now I'm at work, bye" should cover it.

You don't have children to worry about. You are independent. He already has one mother to massage his ego and he seems to expect you to be another. If what he wants from you is a lifetime pussyfooting round his ego then leaving with the dog would be more than a fantasy, it would be more of a grow up or else.

Congratulations, you are smashing it and should be so so proud of your accomplishments 👏🏻 everyone experiences professional stress and life stress differently and differently than others so don't let those seeds of doubt unnerve you. You continue in this way, it'll be right for you as an "I" and you both as a "We". Remember, it's not bragging if it's bases on facts!

I'd apologize for the ugly comment, made from his behaviour and your hurt feelings. Talk to him about it.
But explain that you're not feeling cheerleading and support as you've always supported his choices and the digs, and reactions he's had has really made you feel unsupported and that's what caused you to say what you said and you're sorry. But the sudden pitty party is not attractive.

That you're happy to talk about his career aspirations, it's not too late, and you'll support him if he wants to pivot but you don't agree that he should be a house husband if you're going to stay where you are you'll need his and you salary to do works needed at a minimum or relocate. You value him but you feel he's not valuing himself and you can't change that for him but you can give him space to figure it out. More importantly yiu don't feel he's valuing you. But he needs to stop the passive aggressiveness and criticism as it's not fair. Be a team, and talk about your combined future and options you have. Keep having conversations.

Note: my ex used to derail me before interviews as he didn't like the fact i was his equal. It's funny as I was high earner for half of our relationship, he retrained (I supported him while he was out of work and starting at the bottom) but as soon as he met me, and then overtook me the dynamic changed and he resented my success as emasculating and not being the provider. Honestly, it was bizarre because I'd not seen any of this chauvinism in those early years, when I was the ATM he was fine with it! If it's him feeling sorry for himself that's one thing, if it's genuine jealousy then he needs to do the work or it'll feaster and get worse with time.

Be honest with him and own your choices, and feelings, but expect the same from him too.
Good luck, and congratulations 👏🏻 👏🏻 don't deminish yourself and make yourself smaller to make him comfortable. Shine brightly!

Your in your mid 30's and he is 10 years older. Of course he was going to be further on career wise when you met. He decided to leave a junior partnership and become self employed.
You got your exams, changed jobs a few times and now work is going well.

You told him that your boss is very happy with your work. They want to put you on the partner track so if things continue to go well you get that major promotion in the next 2 to 3 year's.
I say he was a bit stunned with this news and realised that now you're going to be in a better position than him. Almost immediately he had to say it could be harder than you think or something to that effect. I thought when you said this he was taken back and automatically had to put a damper on this. He then said he could become a house husband when you get the big promotion.

He then ring his mother and stated to complain about all the work he was doing at home and about your job. Your mil rang you in work and started to complain to you about how you were treating her son. To be honest I say his mother was probably expecting you to have a child and or of course it your job to do everything in the house and to make his life easier.
The fact he did this to me shows he is not happy with your news. He owns and is paying 2/3 of the mortgage on your current home, he had a bigger down payment and income when you bought the house.

I would be thinking long and hard after what he said, his current behaviour and ringing his mother do you really want to stay with him. Do you want him resenting your success and your better income? Do you want him giving up work and expecting you to support him?
Along with this your job is going to get busier and you could be working longer hours on occasion do you want to be doing 2 hours travel a day when your in your work office?
I think it will get to a stage in the next few years that you may want to live closer to work and he might not be willing to move either. He would also have to get his business new clients in a new area if this happens.

I would continue to work hard in your job but unless his attitude changes I would not be staying with him. I know a lady in a similar position to you and her husband moved abroad years ago with her to enable her to move up the ladder. She then organised and sorted out childminding ect when they moved back to the UK when he set up a business with a few other people. Today she has a very senior post in her company and his business is doing well. They would not have achieved this unless they both helped each other out in the past.
A supportive spouse is essential for a happy marriage and to enable you to step up career wise also.

The MIL intervention is weird and unnecessary... is that a common thing?

I can have some sympathy for your DH, my DH also I sense has wrestled with feelings as my career has continued (we both started in the same org now doing different things, he was more senior, I am now a partner)

Yet it’s not got to the point of outright issue - we’ve always tried our best to discuss it, our careers how we sustain them, and overall I would say it’s been about us as a family and how do we achieve our shared financial goals - although my sense is many men feel under heavy social pressure to be the higher earner

You have every right to be supported and celebrate your career and achievements

I was all for giving him the benefit of the doubt and seeing if he eventually realised he was being a twat. The mil thing pushed it over the edge for me.

Complaining to her knowing you have issues is a dick move of the highest order. If she had any fucking sense, she’d have asked him what he was doing to support you while you are clearly so busy but because she’s another misogynist she jumped straight to ‘you’re not looking after my pathetic fully grown man son properly’. I’d fuck the pair of them off and get a dog sitter. You will be happier in the long run.

I actually would take the dog and leave and tell him to think about whether he can handle it or whether you're making it permanent and starting divorce proceedings.

A sharp shock so he makes an actual decision about supporting you or not sinyou don't end up dealing with spiteful comments for years to come.

Not to mention the hypocrisy of him sulking about "never seeing you" and not wanting to discuss a move to give you a shorter commute and time at home.

The age gap may not have been relevant before but its clear he sees himself as the adult.

I’m not sure this is envy, it’s easy to read it like that, but he’s had this job and he walked away.

i think he’s reminded of how he failed at it. Worried you will succeed where he failed. Outgrow him.

if you do get it, and it’s a long way off, and then you succeed at it, which I suspect you will, then it will show you both that he wasn’t capable of what you are.

so less envy and more it shines a light on his failure.

My DH and MIL are weirdly enmeshed, in the past she's been pretty much the only source of conflict in our relationship. Whenever she pulls some sort of stunt, he will speak to her and back me up, but then she cries and everything is forgiven, MIL can do no wrong.

This time as well, they were apparently speaking on the phone (not unusual, they speak 2-3 times per week) and she - according to him - noticed that he was feeling a bit down. And so he explained the abovementioned reasons... He is appalled that she's called me at work and had a go at me, says it was not his intention and that he will speak to her... But we all know how those conversations end, she cries because she only "wanted to help", they hug it out, and we're back where we started. Oh, and it was rude of me to hang up on her while she was speaking (I did tell her I'm busy).

I don't even want to think about my MIL any longer, she's an evil witch and this relationship will not change, but now I'm wondering what else he's been telling her behind my back.

I'll try to get him to agree to counselling.

Oof the MIL intervention...that is so unattractive. Aside from that, he has behaved badly but I don't think it is unsalvageable at this point. It is likely his own worries and fears coming out - that he isn't doing as well as he could be, that you may not need him any more, that you'll have less time for him, that you want to move house so more change etc. I would leave it for a few days and then explain that you have felt a bit hurt as it feels he has been making digs rather than being proud and excited. I do think some people need to feel 'needed' so maybe there are ways you can show you do value him (that don't involve pandering to him or making yourself smaller, and I wouldn't make it work related).
It would probably help if he can recognise his own jealousies/worries and own them but you may not get that out of him!
Maybe ease off on talk about moving house etc until he has got his head around it all. And don't answer your phone to your MIL during work day - tell her if it is urgent to text as you can't pick up calls.
Most importantly congratulations!

Some of this advice is wild.

He is entitled to have his feelings, regardless of how misplaced and childish they may be. You don’t just waltz away from your marriage because your partner was jealous one week ago and hasn’t moved on from it. You talk through it and likely once he has processed those emotions and isn’t reacting childishly he will move past it. I would also say this is likely less about you and more about him. He’s being faced with his own decision and maybe regrets it or regrets that he couldn’t handle the pressure. Maybe he feels a failure because he couldn’t succeed where you may if/when you may partner.

His comments on the house are again childish. Yes he is jealous. chat to him and talk through it.

If he is otherwise a supportive husband and the relationship is good then deal with this.