Can’t tolerate MIL

[CoralFish12]

Hi all, I am currently pregnant with my second baby. We have a 2.5 year old. When he was born I felt pressured into having In laws (MIL, FIL and SIL) around three days after giving birth. It was an extremely traumatic birth and I was not in a good way afterwards. They travelled a couple of hours to see us, and then spent the afternoon passing the baby round having multiple photos, basically pretending I wasn’t there. I have always felt uncomfortable about them, due to the comments they make about mine and other peoples weight. For example, during both pregnancies they make a comment every time I eat.. IE ‘oh she’s eating again’. I feel like MIL may have got the message about my feelings as she messaged my partner after the last time and asked if she had upset me. My partner responded and said yes/ explained why. There was no response or apology, she just changed the subject.
I feel I have really come to the end of the road of having any communication or relationship with them. This is difficult as I don’t want it to impact on their relationship with my partner or my Children. I have put my foot down this time and said I’ll only have them to visit the new baby when I am ready and on my
terms.

any tips on how best I can cope with the visit, as if it was up to me they wouldn’t come at all. But I know this isn’t fair or realistic!

I'm not sure what advice you're looking for really. Just be polite and make small talk. It's unkind of your MIL to make comments about weight and what you're eating but hopefully she'll stop doing that now your husband has spoken to her.

See her less.

When will your parents be allowed to see baby?

Wait a few days until you are ready. Have DH tell them that you need your rest. Hide upstairs as long as possible. Emerge log enough to drink a cup of tea with them while apologising for being so exhausted. Wave as they drive off. Then no one can say you were rude/ignoring them

I'd not make any plans until the baby's born and then arrange a visit with boundaries ie: the hour before the community midwife arrives, if such a person still exists. Why not arrange for your dh to take them out for something to eat afterwards, anything to create natural boundaries.

How dare your in-laws travel for several hours for a short afternoon visit and on top take actual photos of the baby! Don’t they know MIL’s are only allowed to take the bins out after a baby is born.

Presumably the OP’s parents don’t make digs about her weight…

I understand the comments about your weight are awful and I'd be deeply hurt. Many people do struggle to say sorry and show their apology through a change in behaviour.

I also understand that you had a traumatic birth, but I do think that most grandparents would want to meet their new grandchild as soon as they possibly can. The child is an extension of their family whom they love and want to be around. If your in-laws had to drive so far to meet your first DC, presumably they aren't local and made an effort to meet them. This really isn't unusual behaviour.
I'd be more concerned about family that refused to travel or weren't interested in meeting baby.

I'd try and reframe things in your mind. Consider how much it'll mean to your partner to introduce their child to their family. Set boundaries such as set times and an agreed date for them to meet baby. Since your DP has mentioned about the rude comments, you may find that these stop too which will improve your time together. At least you know your DP will stand up for you if needed.

OP said herself that MIL has got the message. She asked if the OP was upset, her partner explained why and MIL got the message. Sorted.

YABU.

They're travelling a couple of hours to meet the baby. You could take the opportunity to go and have a sleep whilst they're visiting!

Sounds to me you're being a little over-sensitive. If you find their comments unfair, then politely challenge them.

This.

Be prepared to retreat back to your room with baby and wait for them to take the hint and leave.

Really?
I know there is the DH and bla bla bla, however,
I would cut them off.
Such behaviour is unacceptable towards the OP by these "parents" in law.
Wtf do some people think they are??

What behaviour?

In the past they've commented on people's weight which the op didn't like (but didn't challenge directly).

They then came to visit their grandchild and the OP didn't like it that all the attention from them was on the baby and she was pretty much ignored. (which if the OP doesn't like her in-laws much, surely this is a good thing?!?)

She may have got the message but she didn’t apologise and I expect the comments are still repeated inside the OP’s memory.

She doesn’t owe this woman anything.

Her priority is her child, and a child needs a parent who isn’t stressed out and upset.

Thank you, some good advice! Will definitely put in more boundaries next time! :) @TheSerenePinkOrcabehaviour in terms of lots of toxic behaviours from them (which I have challenged but they continued) and yes quite happy to be ignored by them from now on!!

This isn't really relevant, especially as I'm assuming by the lack of mention that OPs parents aren't making inappropriate comments about her weight or eating habits.

who cares? When the OP is ready to see them.

You are obviously not trying to compare her parents, the people who raise her, have seen her at her best and at her worst, who actually care for her and the people she is comfortable with.
You are not trying to compare them with her MIL, a virtual stranger? She might have raised the husband, she sure is not a relative of the OP.

Otherwise you are becoming one of those people making it a competition between grand-parents but proving they dont' actually care about the woman who just gave birth.

I think people are forgetting that the baby is just as much her DHs as they are hers. What if he wants his mum to meet baby ASAP? Does he not get a say?

You're quite within your right to feel as you do but baby is also your husbands, i'm sure he was happy his parents were meeting his child after a few days. How long did you want to leave it?

I'd imagine it's quite hard having to navigate your grown child's relationship and their spouse. Ultimately, although i'm sure they see you as family and care for you, their child just had his first child. I can't imagine they thought they were imposing on you.

Just be polite and upfront with next baby if you're not feeling up for it, but also remember that this family will also love your baby and baby is important to them too.

If I was in your shoes OP, I would potentially agree to meet somewhere halfway when you feel ready so you only travel an hour each, that way you can pre-agree a time limit with your husband beforehand, make your excuses and leave. Eg a pub lunch.
I always do this with anyone I know can't take social cues and will outstay their welcome 😊 (unless you are brass enough to usher them out the door of course)

I’m not saying my partner doesn’t have a say. Despite my personal feelings towards them,
I try to always accommodate them to be able to see my child and partner when they want. I just wanted some advice as to how to cope
with a situation that is going to be very
stressful after giving birth

I don't think anybody is disputing this, but given that OP is the one giving birth which for anyone that's had children will know isn't exactly the equivalent of going in for a spa, I think she is well within her rights if she feels she needs to to have time to recover, rejuvenate, establish feeding if she chooses to without people turning up to play pass the parcel with the baby.

Why is it YOU worrying about the impact on the relationship between them and your hubby and kids , so much so you are worried about what to do but these vile ppl don't think for one minute that they might impact their relationships with their son and grandkids. These ppl make me sick to my stomach where they all gang together like a pack of wolves to make one person feel isolated in their own life. Op don't worry about the impact. Speak up. Call it out. Be selfish if you don't it will be a life time of misery.

Advice to cope with the visit:

When they arrive tell them you have a midwife appointment to attend in half an hour/an hour (or however long you feel comfortable). It puts a limit on how long they'll be there and it's not something they can moan about.

If for whatever reason you don't want to see or hear them make it clear to your husband that when they visit, you will be having a rest/sleep in your bedroom and do not wish to be disturbed and he and only he can bring the baby up for you to feed and then take back later if his parents are still there.

Personally, I don't think you should do this and should be open with his parents with your husband supporting and say that on occasion they have made some personal remarks about your weight and earring habits which have upset you.

I expect you've previously just sat there with face like you're sucking a lemon which has contributed to the poor relationship you have with your in laws.

The best way to sort out an ill feeling is to all sit down and discuss it.

They are making the effort to see their son and grandchildren and it's only a few remarks that you've taken umbrage too, so the least you can do is help build bridges.

If it doesn't work then just say you won't entertain them it will be up to your husband. Then go upstairs. Or go out if you're bottle feeding.