Can’t tolerate MIL

[CoralFish12]

Hi all, I am currently pregnant with my second baby. We have a 2.5 year old. When he was born I felt pressured into having In laws (MIL, FIL and SIL) around three days after giving birth. It was an extremely traumatic birth and I was not in a good way afterwards. They travelled a couple of hours to see us, and then spent the afternoon passing the baby round having multiple photos, basically pretending I wasn’t there. I have always felt uncomfortable about them, due to the comments they make about mine and other peoples weight. For example, during both pregnancies they make a comment every time I eat.. IE ‘oh she’s eating again’. I feel like MIL may have got the message about my feelings as she messaged my partner after the last time and asked if she had upset me. My partner responded and said yes/ explained why. There was no response or apology, she just changed the subject.
I feel I have really come to the end of the road of having any communication or relationship with them. This is difficult as I don’t want it to impact on their relationship with my partner or my Children. I have put my foot down this time and said I’ll only have them to visit the new baby when I am ready and on my
terms.

any tips on how best I can cope with the visit, as if it was up to me they wouldn’t come at all. But I know this isn’t fair or realistic!

Understandable, they sound insensitive and landed their visit on the the exact time baby blues tend to set in. YANBU.

Set your boundaries. Either push back their newborn visit to when you want it and be very firm about this or just don't tell them you've given birth. There's nothing wrong with keeping it quiet for a few days whilst you find your feet. They'll get over it

Match their energy on the visit, if they act like you're not there... Then don't be! Have DH set up to feed and go for a gloriously long nap or take DC1 out for a potter to the nearest coffee shop for 1-1 time.

DH is crucial as he needs to have your back and should be communicating with his family

If the OP came on here and said "when I was pregnant, my H kept calling me fat and telling me to eat less, then after a traumatic birth I got home and he wouldn't let me hold the baby, or sleep, I had to sit in the lounge and make polite conversation for hours.
I told him his behaviour and comments hurt me but he just shrugged and said he got the message, but his behaviour towards me didn't get any kinder or more caring and there was no apology." Posters would be telling her to LTB.

All the MIL has to do is say "Christ, I was such a bitch to you with your first born, I'm so sorry. I never should have commented on your weight, I should have let you rest post birth and just cuddle up with your baby, I promise to give you some space this time and visit when you're ready and well enough for it." And I'm sure the OPs attitude would change.

But the MIL has been a bitch, she's been told her behaviour has upset OP and she doesn't care, she certainly hasn't apologised for it. Normal people feel guilty and rush to apologise when they find out they've hurt someone; self-centred and unkind people don't.

I can see why OP doesn't want to be around this woman, regardless of who she is.

My IL came after 3 weeks and we get along fine. That was when I felt ready and able to have people over. Thankfully they have enough brain cells to realise the baby isn't going anywhere and the mother's recovery is just as important. Also they lived far away and needed to stay over and it was only then that I felt able to host. Also they didn't sit back and wait on me to cater for them, they pitched in and dh took over too.

🙄 obviously that's not what OP is saying.

She wants to feel respected and secure with boundaries that are understood. Coming into an environment where a new mother is still convalescing and bonding with her baby needs a bit of understanding... Which you sound like you have an abundance of.

OP, do what is right for you. Your husband can explain to his family that he will let them know when you're ready. You need his complete support in this and be aligned well in advance. I hope you're MIL and family can be more sensitive to your needs this time x