Can’t tolerate MIL

[CoralFish12]

Hi all, I am currently pregnant with my second baby. We have a 2.5 year old. When he was born I felt pressured into having In laws (MIL, FIL and SIL) around three days after giving birth. It was an extremely traumatic birth and I was not in a good way afterwards. They travelled a couple of hours to see us, and then spent the afternoon passing the baby round having multiple photos, basically pretending I wasn’t there. I have always felt uncomfortable about them, due to the comments they make about mine and other peoples weight. For example, during both pregnancies they make a comment every time I eat.. IE ‘oh she’s eating again’. I feel like MIL may have got the message about my feelings as she messaged my partner after the last time and asked if she had upset me. My partner responded and said yes/ explained why. There was no response or apology, she just changed the subject.
I feel I have really come to the end of the road of having any communication or relationship with them. This is difficult as I don’t want it to impact on their relationship with my partner or my Children. I have put my foot down this time and said I’ll only have them to visit the new baby when I am ready and on my
terms.

any tips on how best I can cope with the visit, as if it was up to me they wouldn’t come at all. But I know this isn’t fair or realistic!

@Teacherbee85 is her DH recovering from birth as well? Is he bleeding and leaking milk and feeling massively vulnerable?

No? That is why visitors should be when the new mother feels ready to see them. Not when the new father feels ready because he's just been a bystander while she is physically and mentally recovering.

Op just do what I did and say that this time you've decided you want to help your other child adjust and give yourself a proper chance to rest and you'll let people know when you're ready for visits but you might give yourself a week or two. Then you just decide within that when you're ready.

I would make sure dh is there for the visit and maybe he could do it while you have a well earned rest upstairs? If you haven't seen them since dh called them out I'd be inclined to just see them and be polite and make small talk and see if mil has caught herself on. If it gets too much just say you need to go upstairs and do x y or z.

Hopefully when you're a MIL you'll understand being kept from meeting your grandchildren for 2 weeks then.

I hope that if I'm ever a mil I don't lose complete sight of my dil because a new baby comes along and that I can be supportive of her needs at a vulnerable time. And I hope that means I can forge a closer relationship with her and my gc than ops mil has done by railroading op.

Well I imagine @Lavender14 wouldn’t be a monumental bitch to her dil and say she is overweight and comment on her eating habits.

It isn’t socially acceptable to say this (and is also cruel and unkind) and the mil well knows this, she just knows op is polite and doesn’t react angrily.

If mil wants to have a close relationship with ops children she needs to be at a bare minimum civil op.

For all the people saying op needs to sit down and talk through with mil why she’s upset, why should she? Mil knows she’s saying unpleasant put downs, op isn’t responsible for educating her that it’s nasty, mil knows (unless she has an extremely low iq) this and is doing it on purpose.

If you are not comfortable with a visit like last time so close to the birth, this time say you would like visits after a week (for example) and stick to that. Giving birth can make you feel vulnerable if it didn’t go that well but also sometimes powerful too. Focus on being assertive with your in laws (but not rude) eg if mil says ‘oh, she’s eating again’. You could say something like, ‘ mil, i feel judged when you comment on my eating habits and please don’t talk about me in the third person when I am in the room, it is not kind’. I know it is hard but she will have much more respect for you. If she doesn’t, then you go lower contact. But may be a shame for your DC not to have a fuller relationship with grandparents. I would try and work on the relationship first if possible by you ‘staying in your power’.

My PIL live abroad and came on the day I went into Labour and left two weeks later! This was ok but I have had to learn assertiveness with them as I don’t see them for 3-6 months and then we are together for two weeks. So different issue. I make sure we have time on our own within that time and arrange an afternoon/evening out for myself at least once in that time etc…Phrases like, ‘Thank you for your advice, I will think about it’…’it works for us!’ came in handy. My mil has some good ideas and I want to learn from her culture but she has sine very old fashioned superstitious ideas too such as if a woman touches raw meat while menstruating, the meat goes off!! So while I listen to all advice and don’t think I know everything, I take it with a HUGE pinch of salt and remember my own core beliefs. Work out your own core values which you don’t negotiate on and then maybe some you are willing to compromise on.

The weight comments are unacceptable, your DH should have made her apologise before allowing her to enter your home again.

They travelled a couple of hours to see us, and then spent the afternoon passing the baby round having multiple photos, basically pretending I wasn’t there.

I think your DH should have told everyone that due to the birth being traumatic, you need a few weeks to yourselves before visitors. However, regarding their visit, what was the issue with what they did? Presumably you were resting and DH was hosting them? Maybe they just wanted to let you rest? Or are you saying they actively ignored you and didn’t speak to you at all?

I think you’re forgetting that the last birth was a traumatic one. It’s the person birthing the baby who should decide when they’re ready for visitors.

Or do you just see your daughter in law as a birthing machine?

None of this would be like this had the in laws not been toxic and rude.. They need to own their behaviour, cruel words and toxic attitude.

Op has been friendly and courteous but has now drawn a line when she has been at her most vulnerable.
Of course most in laws want to see their own gc but how many snatch baby and ignore mum.

No flowers? Little gift? I would do a hamper of treats including some essentials. Flowers, choclate etc.

If the in laws hadn't been rude and dismissive then perhaps op wouldn't be feeling like this.

Op have a tight conversation with your partner.. Make it clear he needs to say something if they mention weight or anything negative or rude.
Then have a code signal or word if you need them to go immediately.

Darling can you open a window it's stuffy = start to ask them to go. You say your tired and take baby and go to upstairs.

A virtual stranger?? This is the child’s grandmother. Maybe time she was welcomed into the OP’s cosy little family.

@Pottedpalm rude judgemental in laws have been welcomed into her home and this is how they treated her. Disgracefully.

This is always difficult as generally it’s different rules for in-laws than parents. You need to consider your husbands feelings too in this. I had my in-laws show up at the hospital both times and second time they brought DP’s brother and SIL 3hrs after I’d given birth and we had to order pizza in as they needed dinner. To be honest it was good to get their first visit done. If you don’t want any visitors, including your parents then let everyone know you want 2wks with no visitors. It might annoy people but if you and your DH are both on board with it, they will have to suck it up

@Teacherbee85 her dh hopefully understands that mum is the most important person in babies life right now. So mum is queen.
He needs to protect the mother of his child for her sake and the sake of their newborn.

It's extremely sad that he would have to protect his partner from his own parents and I'm sure his causes him embarrassment and sadness.

It sounds like you are being oversensitive. It's pretty usual to let the GPs see their new DGC straight away. The mum is usually recovering from birth. You are allowed to be in your PJs and in bed and looking ill. It's to be expected .

You might be different with your second and bounce back quickly. I made a point of being up and dressed the day after birth with number 2. I took him out on the 2nd day of his life whereas I was in hospital for 5 days with my first.

No one is ready for visitors after giving birth. Usually the husband can field the family and friends who come to visit the baby.

My parents and in law's arrived at the hospital unbidden. Drove 1-3 hours there they gave me a hug because I was crying (hormones) but otherwise just saw the baby then drove home. Can't your family make a flying visit without you getting all worked up ahead of time?

Zen nudist.. Did her in laws give her a hug?

Ahh OP I can massively relate, my first baby’s birth was quite traumatic and both times so far (I’m pregnant right now) I found day 3 after the birth the hardest day for some reason. I think it might be when adrenaline starts to wear out and the exhaustion kicks in.

Boundaries are important. If they’re rude to you or about you, they should be expected to stop right then and apologise. Your partner needs to back you up at the time on this. There’s a lot to be said for getting this first visit out of the way sooner rather later but if you’re not up to it, then the baby will still be there at a week old or 2 weeks old or whatever. My second child’s birth was a breeze compared to the first- hopefully this happens to you too- so it might not be too tough this time. I will say I’ve never been able to go for a lie down/nap without my newborns. I’ve needed to be with them constantly. I assumed that’s normal but as that’s been suggested on here maybe it isn’t.

for the rest of the child's life, for sure. Right after giving birth and for however long OP (or any other mother) feels like: she gets to choose who she is around/who visits her. And that includes having her own parents/siblings around because they are her natural family and of course she is more relaxed around them.

After that, MIL gets a look in.

If she can be respectful and kind yes.

No!

Of course he does. But he also has to manage the visit so that the baby's mother is cared for and considered, doesn't have to do anything, and the visit isn't too long.

Three days is okay as long as the visitors recognise that their four hour journey might only result in an hour's visit.

When my in-laws came down, they went straight to a garden centre and cafe, and waited until I was ready (baby just fed, n me feeling comfortable, DH ready to do so the hosting)

When mine were babies and FIL wanted to visit (I do not see or speak to him) I just went and had a sleep/rest in the bedroom. DH brought the baby to me when she needed feeding. After that point DH has just taken the children to see FIL and I don’t go

I think 2 weeks is too long but I will only ever be the paternal grandmother- if I’m lucky - and I do not expect a DIL to want me there as early as she wants her DP and sister. I had to remind DH when he commented on a similar situation that it is not a fairness issue for grandparents but a health and comfort priority for a new mum who is still bleeding and hormonal.

And that is how it should be done - sensible in-laws and a DH stepping up.

OP doesn't mention dickhead behaviour on their part.

Babies are pay per view after a fashion IMO. The price is being kind to the woman who just carried and gave birth to them.

FWIW, I saw my ILs first. My FIL was horribly rude as ever. MIL told him to piss off and gave me a hug. Guess who is welcome to visit and who isn't?

Usually a first baby gets a lot more fuss than subsequent ones.
Not sure why, but it's a common theme.