Help, I think I'm going to confess to my work crush

[Stuckinlimerence]

Name changed for this. I've had this crush for a year. I work with this guy and I'd say we're friends, but we've hung out outside of work and, although there's been nothing inappropriate, I've felt that there's something there. I was in a LTR until very recently and I know he has a GF. I think it's probably limerence - this has happened to me before and I'm exploring in therapy, but I need to kill these feelings. He will generally ask when I'm coming into the office and can we hang out. I feel like I'm just going to say that I can't and then explain why, i.e. I have feelings for him, not a big deal and I'll get over it, but hanging out is not a good idea. He's a nice guy and think he'll be OK about it, but is it a good idea? I guess part of me is probably hoping it's reciprocated, although I know that I'm not in a position to get into anything serious anyway. I can't ghost him as we work together. Help!

Work through your feelings WITHOUT telling him anything.

He has a GF and you are work colleagues. No need to tell him anything. It wouldn't be fair to him.

I really wouldn't, it just makes everything too awkward and will making working together a little weird for a while. Can't you just be 'busy' after work - make up a new hobby or boyfriend perhaps?

Always mildly curious about limerance (never heard of it before MN) - is it different to just a 'crush'?

Imagine him naked on the loo doing a poo

There's zero need for you to be so dramatic about it. Quash your feelings by ignoring him and move on – otherwise you are just attention seeking. Why you would 'confess feelings' for someone with a girlfriend is beyond me – don't that person. And I don't know why you would ever feel attraction to someone who treated his partner with such disrespect.

He has a girlfriend. The end. Stop fucking around.

Oh my god, why on earth would you do that? You are there to work. He works there. He has a girlfriend. Leave him alone, you crazy woman.

"When are you coming into the office"

"Umm not sure yet, got a few things to sort."

And be very very busy.

"Can we have lunch together?"

"Actually I've already made lunch plans for today sorry!/ Have a dental check up/ Need to go to the post office over lunch".

"Shall we hang out after work/weekend/spend time together?"

"Sorry, as much as I enjoy your company and it would be different if we'd both been single, I don't really feel comfortable spending one to one time with guys who are in relationships. It can get messy and I want to be respectful to your gf. Just a boundary I have. Hope you understand!"

Tried. Tested. Worked for me.

And Reader, he married her not me and I totally got over it just fine!

Thanks all (even the one who said I was bored!). I've really tried to work through these feelings myself - it's been a year. And I don't think he's been disrespectful, there's never been anything inappropriate, just chats and bit of hanging out. I think the thing with limerence is that it's a fantasy and the reality of the situation would probably be completely different to what's in your head. Also that the crush requires no vulnerability with another person, so safer somehow.
You're right that I could do a slow fade, as far as I'm able to seeing as we work together. But we're friends and I'd feel like a dick doing this. Maybe less of a dick than the alternative though. And I have imagined him on the toilet - did not help😣

Always mildly curious about limerance (never heard of it before MN) - is it different to just a 'crush'?

Imagine a crush on speed, lsd and steroids whilst the high trippy person lies on a bed of nails similtaneously being waterboarded 24/7 for several months and it comes sort of close.

Luckily it's all completely self induced and the cure is running in the opposite direction as fast as you can.

Thanks, thats really helpful and I'm glad you came out the other side. I think I need to work on my shit and stop projecting onto him

Well done, you already sound way more insightful than I ever was at the time.

You can do it. I've never regretted not being honest! Just be vague and indifferent (even though it kills you inside and he looks so beautiful and even his poop would probably perfect poop and him on the toilet just makes you think of his perfect peachy arse...). It's really fucking hard for about 10 days and then it gradually gets easier. You'll start to get the ick over little things. Gotta love the ick.

You've got this. Nice, polite. Busy. SO busy.

I really like this approach

Don't make your feelings his problem. Just keep schtum and put spending time with him outside of work on the long finger. Be busy and preoccupied, and have things you need to do after work on office days. A declaration in your circumstances is always nakedly self-serving, as you admit yourself.

I work with this guy … I know he has a GF.

Back off. For multiple reasons.

What else is there to say really.

Telling him is a terrible idea. You've convinced yourself you want to tell him in order to 'kill the feelings'. You know that's not really why you want to tell him, right? Leave him alone - he has a girlfriend. Your crush is not his problem.

For heaven’s sake don’t tell him unless you want a permanent atmosphere you could cut with a knife. This is your problem not his, don’t offload it on him.

I can’t believe how many people are advising you to just back off and not tell him your reason. That would be cruel and hurtful, and he’d be left wondering what he’d done to upset you. This isn’t just a work acquaintance who you can easily ignore. He’s a friend who you spend time with socially.

I think you should either tell him you’re starting to feel more than just friendship for him, or as a PP said, say it feels disrespectful to spend so much time together as he’s got a girlfriend.

I have experienced limerence and it was so awful. Don’t be too harsh on the OP.

in all seriousness I did what the OP is thinking of doing and it was horrendous. I had to leave my job in the end and two hearts were broken. i was only 21 at the time but it has forever affected me.

I have fancied colleagues since then but the phrase “don’t shit where you eat” always comes into mind and I talk myself out of it.

Who wants the twist in the tale? My office crush and I were reunited in new jobs in 2023. A whole decade later. And he’s not aged well and I couldn’t be less attracted to him if I tried 😂 he’s such a whiney jobsworth

Thanks - I know you're all right and appreciate your comments - even the harsh ones as clearly I needed to hear them. Incidentally my therapist thought it was fine to tell him?!

You need a new therapist

Chriiiiiiist don’t tell him! 😱

Yikes. Your therapist sounds a bit bargain bucket.

Your therapist is shit

Do not add to the difficulty of the situation by telling him. He has a gf, you are only just out of a relationship, he's a work person, you have your own issues to unpick.

Just no

I'll be your therapist. Your current one is not fit for purpose.

In all seriousness...my therapist said "Can I ask you a question? Why didn't you just kiss him?!" and then got miffed when I said it seemed unethical.

Turns out she'd ended her own marriage by having an affair and getting pregnant to someone else so didn't see the issue!

To give your therapist the benefit of the doubt, maybe she wants him to turn around and say "my feelings aren't the same" and dash your hopes, thus getting you over him quicker and bringing you back to reality.

Or she's picked up that maybe he is showing some signs of attraction for you and thinks there's a chance he could end things with his GF and end up with you? (That's what mine thought, but regardless of that we wouldn't have been right for each other and I genuinely did want to respect the Girl Code so I'm confident I did the right thing).

I'd ask her why she thinks telling him might be a good idea. She does know you better than us and she might give you an insight that's more helpful than what we've said.

I genuinely think telling him is a terrible idea though all the same!