Help, I think I'm going to confess to my work crush

[Stuckinlimerence]

Name changed for this. I've had this crush for a year. I work with this guy and I'd say we're friends, but we've hung out outside of work and, although there's been nothing inappropriate, I've felt that there's something there. I was in a LTR until very recently and I know he has a GF. I think it's probably limerence - this has happened to me before and I'm exploring in therapy, but I need to kill these feelings. He will generally ask when I'm coming into the office and can we hang out. I feel like I'm just going to say that I can't and then explain why, i.e. I have feelings for him, not a big deal and I'll get over it, but hanging out is not a good idea. He's a nice guy and think he'll be OK about it, but is it a good idea? I guess part of me is probably hoping it's reciprocated, although I know that I'm not in a position to get into anything serious anyway. I can't ghost him as we work together. Help!

On a serious note you could make his life super awkward by working with someone who fancies him. If someone I was friends with at work told me they fancied me it would make me feel on edge at work and make me distance from colleague especially as I have a partner.

Even if he does feel a bit for you, he has a girlfriend and you could be treading on toes and be seen as the home wrecker at work. Not a good look.

I’m very shocked a therapist would tell you to tell someone with a partner that you fancy them. They should be talking you through your feelings and how to move through them, rather than cause bad mental health for 3 people

Basically you have 2 options.

1. You confess feelings in hope he might leave GF. I have seen someone do this BUT he had already told her he was unhappy in current relationship. She said if you break up then we can date (as in she wouldnt date him if he was not single). My friend and him are now married and just had a baby. She was very serious about him.

1. Don't tell him and live with it. I had a work colleague crush, I never told him. He married the GF. We stayed in touch. I actually forgot I'd had a crush. Then 20 years later he told me his marriage was not going well. I didn't say anything but about a year later he then confessed he had a huge crush on me back then. It wasn't particularly helpful information. He is married with young kids. I have now reduced contact and lost who I thought was a friend.

There is a middle option which is the messed up one - don't go there.

Yes I'm kind of thinking your therapist wants to keep you going to therapy? Is he enjoying it?

I can't speak for her, but I think because I phrased it how I have here, i.e. not "oh my god I love you" but "I've got feelings and so need to step back from this" that she thought it wasn't an unreasonable thing to do. I did tell her that I clearly had hope that he felt the same though. It was only my second session so she doesn't really know me at all yet - just had a splurge about the thing that has been most on my mind. Yours sounds a bit messed up! I guess they're just as flawed as the rest of us

I'll PM you...

What and now your the Mumsnet Police 🤣 just sad

Absolutely do what you need to to get over the drama you're creating, without saying or confessing to anything! Why would you put yourself out there at work, and potentially embarrass yourself and a work colleague with a girlfriend. Give your head a wobble - super bad idea.

Your therapist is wrong

Do not do it.
You will be accused of 'hitting on him '. Loneliness can play weird tricks on the mind and you will end up with Egg on your face. Listen to this sister!!!!!!!!! You probably got disrespect in your last relationship snd the fall out is exploding and will cause you embarrassment. Phone a friend and tell her but NOT HIM.!!!!! IF YOU OPEN UP TO HIM its reeking of desperation. You will be humiliated in your workplace and will feel two inches tall. Go and get therapy. Dont be a willing victim in this.

Therapist dont want HEALING or they lose customers.

The guy's done nothing wrong.

There's been nothing inappropriate

I got involved with a work colleague years ago and it was one of the worst decisions ever. He didn't keep it private and before I knew it the whole office knew about our business - it was terrible. I called it off, it died down but my god it was always awkward when we passed each other.

It’s really not a good idea. It’s only going to make things a lot more awkward for you both. I am confident you would regret it.

He will generally ask when I'm coming into the office and can we hang out.

We’ll have to agree to disagree on whether this is appropriate behaviour towards a work colleague when you’re in a relationship. I would accept my partner having this level of investment in a woman at work.

I'm curious about how the therapist phrased this, did they actually say "I think it would be fine to tell him"? Or whether it was more them reflecting back what you were saying about your inclinations. Not just because of this particular scenario, but giving their own view on the merits or not of any decision you're making is not really their role.

This is such a bad idea.

Just imagine if someone did this to your fella at work ?? It's disrespectful when you know he has a girlfriend , go find your own man and get some self respect , harsh I know but your a grown woman , I'm presuming and it's no way to behave.

Limerance is something for when married women (I know the op isn’t married) have a crush or feelings for someone else they can use to justify why it isn’t their fault/they aren’t out of order. Of course, if a married man was having those feelings, he would just be a scumbag….

This

You wouldn't like your partner asking when a colleague is in the office? So they can catch up and have a chat?

Do you not have any male friends, colleagues or acquaintances you like to chat with?

Yes I have male friend and we catch up every now and then. No I wouldn’t text male work colleagues asking when they are in so we can see each other. I see them when I see them and we chat then.

Yes so she can keep taking money off you for the next six months at least ...

It doesn’t feel like it but it will pass. Then you’ll wonder what it was all about and what you saw in him…

OP, how are you doing now? I'm in a similar boat.

That wasn't the question.

The question was "would you mind your partner asking when a colleague is in the office so they can catch up for a chat"?