To be filled with regrets about my parenting choices

[MontyTigger]

Iam so upset with some of my parenting choices and beating myself up so bad.

I wish I could rewind and do things differently to have created better opportunities for my children.

How can I forgive myself?

More info needed OP… what were the choices, what was the context those choices were made in and what was the result for your children.

You need more context

We can only do the best we can at that time, with what we've got. Hindsight is easy . . .

How old are your children? What did you do?

What kind of opportunities? Can you start doing them now? Who or what are you comparing yourself to?

Every day is a new day with children.

It's never too late to repair - say sorry, do things differently now. That will still make an impact on your children and their relationship with you. We can't change the past but we can learn from it. Try and be kinder to yourself.

Choices of schools
Pushing / encouraging focussing /excelling at specific activities/ music/ sports

Also agree that it depends on the context.

1. I sent/didn’t send them to private school is probably salvageable.
2. I’m still with an abuser who abused them too, and I knew it. Not so much.

What do you feel have been the negative outcomes of these choices?

Again is it that you feel you wanted too much or too little?

Its hard to say op as your posts are pretty vague. In the grand scheme of life though, there's plenty worse parenting than choosing the wrong school

But also, if the children as adults feel you messed it up. Then start with an honest apology.

Are your children under 18 or are they now adults?

If you want advice you need to be much more specific: what exactly did you do in terms of piling the pressure on? Encourage them not to give up a hobby half way through a term or make them feel inadequate?

Why were the schools so bad? Bad fit/bullying? What did you do to support them and resolve this?

Most importantly, what do your children say about this? What's the impact on their childhood and lives?

Thanks for replies

Wishing I had pushed them harder
Am so furious at myself
I did my best based on what I knew at the time
But now full of regrets about certain choices at certain moments don't know how to forgive myself

What outcome would have pushing them harder achieve that they didn't achieve?

Also, there could have been negative unintended consequences of being pushier in certain areas.

You’ll never know if they would have taken a blind bit of notice. If they are now adults and unhappy, it’s within their power to change things. I’m sure you did your best at the time, but now it’s their responsibility.

Do your children feel that you need forgiveness? Do they blame you for how they were raised and the choices that were made?

Can I be completely honest?

You have to get over it and move on from the past, nothing you can do can make you go back in time and change things. It’s impossible.

Focus on supporting your children now to live their dreams and offer support if they need it

By living with regrets you are just taking away the joy and support that you could be feeling now!

Pushed them harder?

In the nicest way possible… children shouldn’t be pushed. Especially not hard. They should be encouraged to try their best, try new things and if they don’t like it then that’s okay. Academia is not the be all and end all of life.

You sound quite hysterical over this. How old are they now? Has something happened to make you feel this way recently?

You can only do what you believe to be best at the time. Good decisions can have poor outcomes, you can't predict the future.

This absoloutely. excelling at activities is not important in the great scheme of life.

You can't change the past so no choice but to focus on the future.

I got a good primary for ours- only to find it poor at support for my kids so had to put in in at home which at time felt awful and even now despite them doing well academically I do wonder if I should have just enjoyed them more.

When we move no choice over primary and it was one locals avoided - but it was a hugely positive experience. Secondary I did loads of research - lovely place - it changed while my DC were there. I do think it's adversely affected my kids - I think our daughters grades would be higher at another school - DS mainly home support that kept him on track. We were lucky regional college open up campus we could get to - and that's worked well for A-levels.

I did when they were younger often wish we could get them to, non drivers - and afford more activities for them but in end they got more opportunists than I did. Even music we got so messed around by council service - we gave up and couldn't get them to private lessons. I think youngest wished for more there - but she can take it up when older if she chooses.

Eldest is ND - other likely to be as well - but never got past blocks put up to assessment routes and couldn't afford private route - had negative comments on here about that - but we really did our best.

I wish I could have given them everything - but we are where we are - DD1 is at uni on a course and campus she likes - and DS on track - and DD2 should be okay we'll see.

Thank you for replies. Really appreciated.

I know I need to get over past choices , whoch were made with best intentions and knowledge i had at the time, and support them as they are now.

It just feels very very hard to forgive myself.

I think it’s natural to look back and feel things could have been done differently but you’ll never really know if the outcome would have been better.

Academic success isn’t everything.