To be filled with regrets about my parenting choices

[MontyTigger]

Iam so upset with some of my parenting choices and beating myself up so bad.

I wish I could rewind and do things differently to have created better opportunities for my children.

How can I forgive myself?

The important thing here is how they feel. Are they miserable? Unfulfilled? Or just not doing as you would like them to do? Are they young adults having difficulty landing jobs? Because almost all of them are these days and that's not your fault or theirs.

I think it's important to understand how old they are and what it is you feel they've missed out on?

It's interesting because DH and I had a big argument last night, that he apologised for and pulled back from a bit, about DS. Oldest DC (16) is very much an achiever and a 'joiner-inner', strong results, motivated, sings in choir, takes music exams etc. DS (12) has adhd, very little intrinsic motivation, coasting along OK but underachieving and DH admitted he couldn't help comparing them and wanting to push DS harder.

I think it is always worth remembering that all you can ever know is that if you'd done things differently things would have been different- not necessarily better. It is human nature to assume that if we are disappointed with the outcome of any of our decisions then a different decision would have led to success. And maybe it would. But we can't ever know that. It might have led to a similar outcome or even a worse one, you simply can't know so there is no point on dwelling on it.
In the context of "pushing" a child, you can lead a horse to water...beyond a certain age the motivation has to come from within and trying to push a child too hard or in a direction that they don't want to go is often counterproductive.
You are where you are OP, move on. You can of course learn from the past but its much more important to look forwards than backwards.

You can’t be a perfect parent. All the choices you regret not making will have their downsides.

I wonder if there is something wider making you feel like this.
Are they heading to Uni/moving out, and you're feeling not only this guilt on choices but grief at the change of them leaving?

Mine are still relatively young but eldest is nearly a teen, and I do feel a sense of sadness that his childhood "proper" is ending and there are things I would have liked to be different. But I focus on being the best parent I can to him now, in this stage, and enjoying the new bits of parenting him as he grows.

As others have suggested it might also help to tall to your kids. Do they feel upset you didn't push them? Is that actually them defelcting their own guilt or grief at not trying for things? Perhaps they will say they are glad you didn't put too much pressure on them.

Two things which I have found help with intrusive feelings of guilt or anxiety are discussing those thoughts with a real person who can put them in perspective, or consciously focusing on a more constructive alternative narrative such as "I made mistakes but I can learn from them and show my children that it's possibly to grow and change all through their lives"

I have kids very close in age who are now young adults. When they left home, I became introspective and analysed my parenting with some regrets. What helped me was seeing that they were polar opposites! Such different personalities, academic goals and approach to life in general. Same parents!

I reckon, as long as they are given unconditional love, your children will turn out the way they were destined to. We kid ourselves a bit and think we have more influence over the final ‘result’ than we do ;-)

Hi OP I kind of get it, but the fact you feel this way tells me that you did your best for them.

Hi OP - not saying it is what you are going through, but I have been through this type of extreme regret, (verging on self loathing) on parenting and on many of my life choices due to peri menopause and hormonal imbalance on and off over the last 3 years. And i find my children (especially DC2 who is not following the path I had imagined, is neurodivergent and worries me more than the other 2 put together) crystallise those regrets - I can go in mini spirals of despair at times, but some things really help me put things back in perspective . So if you feel you're not quite yourself and know you're in that phase of life, it could be related to that and there is help at hand. Ignore if not relevant, but just thought I'd share...

But what exactly do you think you could you have done differently that would have made a difference?

Ofgs.. unless ypu put your kids in a bin or treated them like shit, you've joined the millions of mothers around the world just trying our best given the circumstances we have been dealt.

I'm sure you kids will be fine ( like the vast majority of children!) Whom I lived and supported.
The rest.. well that's up to them.