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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a little bit upset that dp did nothing?

68 replies

deflatedbirthdayballoon · 11/07/2024 09:29

*I am one of those adults who loves and makes a big deal out of their birthday, always have been and always will be. I go out of my way to do things for others every other day of the year but this is my day! No I don't care if that makes me 'childish' 😁

It's my birthday over the weekend but I won't be with dp as my mum has just got out of hospital and I wanted to visit her. She lives several hours away from me so I'll be away for the weekend.

I know we are planning to do something to celebrate my birthday when we get back but it won't be anything particularly special as I get back in the evening and we are both in work the next day.

Aibu to be a teeny bit upset that dp hasn't done anything to mark the occasion before I go? I wasn't expecting a gift or anything but a card or even a note on the fridge would have been something! A text on the day just doesn't feel the same 😞

Idk maybe I am and he's planning something for after but I just feel a little sad that there was no acknowledgment of the day before I left.

OP posts:
Spinet · 11/07/2024 09:33

I am also an adult precious about my birthday and what I have learned in my 20+ year relationship is, if you want it to be special, you have to make it VERY CLEAR INDEED what will suffice. That is the only way not to have hurt feelings on your birthday. If I were you I would even go so far as to request a flower delivery on my birthday, but maybe that's the kind of thing you can only get away with after 20+ years, not sure.

Otherwise you really really have to manage your own expectations because while I'm with you that birthdays are important (I make a fuss of other people's too), it is not a universal truth that it is so, it's just what YOU think. Accepting that is going to make you much happier.

GatherYePearls · 11/07/2024 09:40

I'm genuinely not trying to be dickish but if I want to things for my birthday, which I do, I plan them! I get to choose what I do, which is a real luxury! Don't really understand leaving it to someone else to choose for me based on guessing what I want!

And I wouldn't expect a card before the day - unless i wasnt going to see him on my birthday, in which case he'd give me something to take and open. So yes if that's the case he should have done that, but i imagine he thinks you're postponing everything until you can actually spend time together.

Happy birthday!

Original poster
deflatedbirthdayballoon · 11/07/2024 09:44

Thank you @GatherYePearls!

But yes I'm not going to be with him on my birthday so hence not planning anything, and I would have liked a card to take with me so I could open it on the day. I wasn't expecting a gift because I don't know what he was planning to get and it could have been too large/fragile to travel with.

OP posts:
andfinallyhereweare · 11/07/2024 09:46

I love my bday too but the day hasn’t happened yet maybe he’ll send you flowers on the day? Who knows, don’t create problems before they’ve happened

redskydarknight · 11/07/2024 09:51

I think if you'd wanted something to take with you, you should have made this very clear in advance. It certainly wouldn't have occurred to me that sending a message in the morning and celebrating in the evening wouldn't be sufficient to make your birthday special.

HappiestSleeping · 11/07/2024 09:51

How long have you been together, and has he ever been any different?

My point here isn't whether he should or shouldn't, it's just about managing your own expectations. From the way you have described things, this was an entirely predictable situation, so I think you are being unreasonable. That doesn't excuse any lack of effort as, by the same token, one might take the view that he should have learned by now, but I do think this is partly of your own making OP.

EatTheGnome · 11/07/2024 09:51

The question is always: are they generally a really good partner?

If the answer is yes, I tend to think you dont get it all. If he was the sort of man to do a note on the fridge, he might not be the sort who bends over backwards to help your friends. Noone is perfect.

I think he will.probably do something over the weekend to have something for you when you return. Some people think birthday wishes should be ready befire the birthday, otherwise its late, others think the birthday wishes aren't due until the birthday has happened.

I wouldn't worry until it becomes clear he is doing nothing at all to mark your birthday, then it's fair to be pissed off. Currently it's just not on your timetable.

Coffeerum · 11/07/2024 09:53

YABU it’s not your birthday yet. You even said you will celebrate it later.

Original poster
deflatedbirthdayballoon · 11/07/2024 09:55

redskydarknight · 11/07/2024 09:51

I think if you'd wanted something to take with you, you should have made this very clear in advance. It certainly wouldn't have occurred to me that sending a message in the morning and celebrating in the evening wouldn't be sufficient to make your birthday special.

We won't be celebrating until several days after my birthday as I'll be away.

As with many things I suppose I don't want to have to TELL him that I would like him to make an effort, I'd like him to know me well enough to just KNOW that 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
deflatedbirthdayballoon · 11/07/2024 09:57

We've been together 3yrs and yes normally he is very considerate and makes an effort which I suppose is why I was expecting 'something' and now feel a bit let down 😞

OP posts:
DahliaSmith · 11/07/2024 09:57

Is he a note on the fridge person? Is this a regular occurence? Is he a, I won't be able to wake up with you on your birthday so here's a little something to pop in your overnight bag darling person? Is this the type of thing he does?

Because if not you're going to have a pretty shitty birthday sitting and waiting for a big bunch of flowers to arrive. Don't do it to yourself.

Chickenuggetsticks · 11/07/2024 09:57

I’m someone who doesn’t really care about birthdays. However it’s not unreasonable to expect your partner to be aware of the things you care about and acknowledge that.

Original poster
deflatedbirthdayballoon · 11/07/2024 09:59

Yes, normally he is @DahliaSmith. We often leaves notes to each other on the fridge as we sometimes work opposite shifts. Sometimes it's practical like 'lunch is in the fridge' other times it's just sweet/lovey stuff 😂

He 100% is not sending flowers so I'm not expecting that. He doesn't know my parents' address!

OP posts:
Coffeerum · 11/07/2024 09:59

*We won't be celebrating until several days after my birthday as I'll be away.

As with many things I suppose I don't want to have to TELL him that I would like him to make an effort, I'd like him to know me well enough to just KNOW that 😂*

The second part contradicts the first though. You already know the two of you will be celebrating your birthday later, so why are you making it seem like he’s forgot your birthday or not made an effort when the day you are planning to celebrate on hasn’t even happened yet?

BowlOfNoodles · 11/07/2024 09:59

You know what it's not important that it's your birthday no but he knows its important to you and whatever that important is I feel like he shouid indulge you like you indulge him

Original poster
deflatedbirthdayballoon · 11/07/2024 10:03

Coffeerum · 11/07/2024 09:59

*We won't be celebrating until several days after my birthday as I'll be away.

As with many things I suppose I don't want to have to TELL him that I would like him to make an effort, I'd like him to know me well enough to just KNOW that 😂*

The second part contradicts the first though. You already know the two of you will be celebrating your birthday later, so why are you making it seem like he’s forgot your birthday or not made an effort when the day you are planning to celebrate on hasn’t even happened yet?

Because our planned 'celebration' is literally just a takeaway and an early night 😂

If the situation were reversed I would definitely have given him something to take with or open beforehand and then done something afterwards as well. It doesn't have to be 100% on the birthday itself or 100% on another day, there's a lot of middle ground!

OP posts:
FusilliGeri · 11/07/2024 10:05

Is it actually your birthday as you said it was over the weekend and it's only Thursday morning.

Did you want some acknowledgment days before your birthday, some acknowledgment on the day of your birthday and some acknowledgment after your birthday?

Spinet · 11/07/2024 10:06

As with many things I suppose I don't want to have to TELL him that I would like him to make an effort, I'd like him to know me well enough to just KNOW that 😂

I completely understand this feeling but unfortunately it is unrealistic. Imagine being on the other end of it. You would feel like you were being tested on something but you didn't know what the questions even were never mind the answers to the questions. It has taken me a long time to learn this so I do get it but you cannot expect other people to know you as well as you know yourself without a period of training. I'm not sure there is a sufficient number of birthdays for him to learn this about you but 3 certainly isn't enough. I'm not trying to be a dick or superior by the way. I'm just giving you the benefit of my experience but it is perfectly possible it's one of those things you just have to learn yourself. However once you put yourself in charge of your own happiness life is much easier.

plainjayne8282 · 11/07/2024 10:06

Spinet · 11/07/2024 09:33

I am also an adult precious about my birthday and what I have learned in my 20+ year relationship is, if you want it to be special, you have to make it VERY CLEAR INDEED what will suffice. That is the only way not to have hurt feelings on your birthday. If I were you I would even go so far as to request a flower delivery on my birthday, but maybe that's the kind of thing you can only get away with after 20+ years, not sure.

Otherwise you really really have to manage your own expectations because while I'm with you that birthdays are important (I make a fuss of other people's too), it is not a universal truth that it is so, it's just what YOU think. Accepting that is going to make you much happier.

I genuinely don't understand this.

"Request a flower delivery on your birthday"

I just couldn't derive any pleasure from this.

"Ah, there's those flowers I told my husband to order for me."

There's no surprise, there's no thought went into from him.

What's the point?

Obviously if it works for you, it works for you. And that's great. But I find it strange.

YellowDots · 11/07/2024 10:09

*I genuinely don't understand this.

"Request a flower delivery on your birthday"

I just couldn't derive any pleasure from this.

"Ah, there's those flowers I told my husband to order for me."

There's no surprise, there's no thought went into from him.

What's the point?

Obviously if it works for you, it works for you. And that's great. But I find it strange.*

Me too, it's just creating work for you.

Just buy flowers for your own birthday if that's what you want.

redskydarknight · 11/07/2024 10:10

Unfortunately if you are not going to be spending any of your actual birthday with DP (other posters, like me may have interpreted your OP to mean you will be back in the evening of your birthday, not a random evening several days later) then he is limited in ways to make it special.

You say you would have been happy with a note on the fridge before you left or a card to take with you, but for some reason a text on the day would not be enough. Which seems a bit contradictory! And your birthday hasn't even happened yet. It does sounds like you are being annoyed for the sake of being annoyed about something that hasn't even happened. Personally, I'd suggest if you wanted a big birthday fuss, that you would have been better to nominate an "official" birthday in a couple of weeks where you could both spend the whole day together.

DP may "know" that you like a big fuss on your birthday but is limited by your choices to go to your mum's so he won't be with you on the day, and to get home late on a day that means you can't do much more than get a takeaway (not sure why that couldn't be celebratory enough). I do think YABU.

Coffeerum · 11/07/2024 10:11

Spinet · 11/07/2024 10:06

As with many things I suppose I don't want to have to TELL him that I would like him to make an effort, I'd like him to know me well enough to just KNOW that 😂

I completely understand this feeling but unfortunately it is unrealistic. Imagine being on the other end of it. You would feel like you were being tested on something but you didn't know what the questions even were never mind the answers to the questions. It has taken me a long time to learn this so I do get it but you cannot expect other people to know you as well as you know yourself without a period of training. I'm not sure there is a sufficient number of birthdays for him to learn this about you but 3 certainly isn't enough. I'm not trying to be a dick or superior by the way. I'm just giving you the benefit of my experience but it is perfectly possible it's one of those things you just have to learn yourself. However once you put yourself in charge of your own happiness life is much easier.

This took my husband a while to iron out in our dating years to the point we now have an ongoing joke when we think the other had expectations about something but isn’t being up front and so we clarify “wait, is this a test?” 😂
I don’t mind what takeaway we get … is this a test?
we don’t need to do anything big for my birthday this year … is this a test???

commonground · 11/07/2024 10:11

Does he not want to go with you to your mum's? As it's your birthday weekend?

plainjayne8282 · 11/07/2024 10:12

Maybe he had plans that were disrupted by you going to your mums.

You're doing the right thing helping your mum out, just concentrate on that.

InTheRainOnATrain · 11/07/2024 10:14

This is just setting him up for failure and yourself up for disappointment. I don’t think many people would think that they have to mark the occasion early, especially when you’ve agreed to do something afterwards. And if a takeaway doesn’t cut it then say so! Let him know that you want a meal out, weekend away or whatever and then he can organise it.