To be a little bit upset that dp did nothing?

[deflatedbirthdayballoon]

*I am one of those adults who loves and makes a big deal out of their birthday, always have been and always will be. I go out of my way to do things for others every other day of the year but this is my day! No I don't care if that makes me 'childish' 😁

It's my birthday over the weekend but I won't be with dp as my mum has just got out of hospital and I wanted to visit her. She lives several hours away from me so I'll be away for the weekend.

I know we are planning to do something to celebrate my birthday when we get back but it won't be anything particularly special as I get back in the evening and we are both in work the next day.

Aibu to be a teeny bit upset that dp hasn't done anything to mark the occasion before I go? I wasn't expecting a gift or anything but a card or even a note on the fridge would have been something! A text on the day just doesn't feel the same 😞

Idk maybe I am and he's planning something for after but I just feel a little sad that there was no acknowledgment of the day before I left.

Coincidentally it's just been my birthday.
DH suggested doing a number of things.

I said "you know what, we've been out a lot recently and I'm quite tired. I'd just like to get a takeaway and watch the football in peace." DH sorted the takeaway of my choice, commissioned DD to make my favourite type of cake and the whole family refrained from making "what's the point of football" comments while the match was on (I'm the only one in the family that likes football).

I much preferred that to leaving it do DH - he would probably have organised a family meal out, which would have been totally fine, but not what I actually wanted. The pleasure is in having what I want, without having to do any of the organising of it.

As h it’s a hard one. I’m usually totally with people who have shit partners who make no effort for their birthday. But, kindly, this seems like a situation of your own making OP. You’ve chosen to go away for the weekend of your birthday. Obviously for a good reason, as your mums been poorly. But it does mean no birthday with your DH. I consider myself thoughtful and make a fuss of people for their birthday, but not sure it would occur to me to do a “birthday” before they leave in these circumstances? Also he might have planned balloons, flowers, etc for your return if you’ve a takeaway night planned?

It's less about the flowers and more about the specificity of what will make you happy on your birthday. I'm sure the OP's DP is perfectly capable of planning something that he thinks will make her feel special about her birthday but without being told how is he supposed to know that she needed him to leave a note?

On my birthday, let's say receiving flowers makes me feel happy (it was an example but let's run with it). Nobody can know you well enough to know that without you having told them that. They can do all sorts of other things that they think will bring you pleasure and include lots of thought and sincerity but they can't know that not doing the one thing that would make you feel good upsets you unless you tell them what it is.

I really have no interest in getting into a mumsnet-style battle about what is right and what isn't in relationships. I was just giving the benefit of my own many years of disappointment when DH hasn't done exactly as I wanted without my telling him. He has done plenty of lovely stuff that didn't hit the spot though.

If you’re actually going to be home and see him on your actual birthday, it wouldn’t occur to me that you needed to be provided with a card/fridge note several days in advance just because you’re not going to see him first thing in the morning on your birthday.

Totally agree @YellowDots and @plainjayne8282!

If I wanted flowers and I'm not with him I could just buy them myself. Same goes for any gift that I specifically requested. For me, the act of gift giving or really doing anything special for an occasion (birthday, Christmas, anniversary etc) is not the value or the gift itself necessarily but that thought and effort that goes into it. If I tell him what to get then that reduces to 0% and I may as well have done it myself.

I want my family/friends to know me and care about me enough that they know what kind of person I am and what I like well enough to choose something for me.

I had an ex who bought me some nice jewellery but he always had a female friend pick it out for me because apparently he 'didn't know what I liked' 🙄 I was very clear, he just couldn't be arsed and that hurt, I almost wished he hadn't even bothered because of the lack of effort.

@spinet Sorry, no intention at all of getting into a mumsnet battle. Sorry if I came across that way.

I agree with you that if birthdays are very important to the OP and it's her line in the sand, she really does need to make sure that her husband knows that.

For this year though, OP, the situation with your mum has thrown a spanner in the works. Just look after your mum and let your husband knows you'd like a lot of effort made next year.

But for someone who values other people knowing you well enough to what you would like as a present/advance birthday card etc without telling, you seem to have made a habit of getting into relationships with men who don’t know this…?

I want my family/friends to know me and care about me enough that they know what kind of person I am and what I like well enough to choose something for me.

I think this is extremely difficult though. MN is full of people who bought "thoughtful presents" for other people that the other person really didn't like.

I think, from people who know you well, you might end up with something you like, but I'd rather end up with something I love.

@Subfusc sadly yes, although in most cases it wasn't that I didn't communicate or they didn't know me well enough they literally just couldn't be bothered. The year I split with my exH not long after he did absolutely nothing. I don't think he even wished me happy birthday verbally.

Tbf Dp is much much better and maybe I am being unfair to him as we did agree to celebrate after. Previous years we have had a proper celebration and he has made an effort, the timing and circumstances this year are not his fault. I'm also fine with a takeaway! It's a rare treat for us 😁

Surely your mother will be making a huge fuss of you anyway? Seeing as how you're actually spending the day with her. So you should get a nice birthday.

I think if you've chosen to go away over your birthday, he probably reasonably assumes you are happy to celebrate it when you get back...

At the risk of falling into the 'men and women think different' trap, I do think that Dp is a lot more logical where as I am a lot more emotional so he probably did just think

Celebrating another day = nothing required before then

Whereas I am more

Celebrating another day = minimal effort before/on the day, big effort later 😂

Im sure she'd love to but they are tight on money atm and she is still in recovery so I don't expect much tbh. Which is fine as I knew the circumstances when I changed my plans to see them. I just want to see her get better!

It’s really shit of him if he makes no effort.

If he makes little effort then tell him
how disappointed you are.

In future match his effort. If all you get is a takeaway, then that’s all he gets on his next birthday.

Sorry but I think you are being totally ridiculous. You already know you’re being childish and this is mega-childish. It’s making you seem very, very needy.

@paywalled I'll reserve judgement until I get back and see what happens! Maybe I am jumping to disappointment too early.

He really doesn't care about his birthday, in fact I probably care more than he does and I have to actively encourage him to celebrate 😂

Yes, you are being unreasonable.

I completely agree. Reluctantly though! It would be far better if people around us knew our wishes so well that they anticipated things like this, but life experience shows when they don’t think like you, they don’t. And it’s not that we are right and they are wrong, just different ways of doing things. The more I express my wishes clearly the more I get what I want over the years, not romantic but less hurt feelings.

You may enjoy celebrating with him, but if year after year you make the effort him and he does the minimum, you will start to resent it, because he WILL start enjoying the fuss and expect it.

Don’t fall into that trap. Make your expectations clear. And if he makes no effort then make none for him.

If the two of you have such different love languages when it comes to presents and birthdays and want to continue in the relationship anyway, you're going to have to talk about it. You can't expect the other person to just know, especially when it's quite early on in the relationship and you're doing something you've not done before, ie being away. The norms have to be agreed on and established.

I think saying things like mega is pretty childish. Leave it to the teens.

@Miffylou sorry but I just don't care if I am. After years of being neglected, ignored and given barely an ounce of effort or consideration by people who are supposed to care about me on the ONE day of the year I really want to celebrate, I'm done pretending it's fine. It's not.

If that makes me childish then go ahead and order me a bouncy castle that I can eat jelly & ice cream in 😁

Fair enough - up to you! But you asked if we thought you were being unreasonable so I told you my opinion. Hope you have a happy birthday!

Your upsetting yourself by building up Birthdays into big days.
Then when someone who has no idea your expectations so high, doesn't meet your wants you get upset.
You then do massive things for others and resent this is not returned....can you not see this is a you problem.
Talk to him in future, and dial back on gift giving. Do random acts instead because you want to with no expectations, you will be happier.

It isn’t even your birthday!
You aren’t even leaving to go away for the weekend yet!
Now you’re being neglected, ignored and having no consideration or effort shown to you at all from your partner? Jesus OP this is definition of being a drama queen.