Resent husband for earning less

[YouknowmeIdowhatIdo]

DH grew up very poor, social housing, parents out of work. This means he is very risk adverse when it comes to money, as he has a lot of fear around not having enough money which I can understand.

when we met we were earning similar, and over the last 10 years I have grafted and gone for every promotion and every opportunity that has come my way. It’s been a hard slog. I have had to work for some atrocious managers and worked under a lot of pressure. He has often said I can’t handle this. Anyway in that time, I have had two DC and always worked full time after maternity leave. Since having the DC I have worked a compressed week to save on childcare but it’s been a killer and I’m close to burnout after doing 40 hour weeks and a day of solo childcare.

I earn around 50% more than DH (plus save a days childcare for the two DC every month) and I think it’s time to cut back hours but it would take a big hit to our finances. I’ve asked DH to do a compressed week but his boss ‘doesn’t approve them’. I’ve talked to him about moving jobs but he likes to stay where he is where he is comfortable. He doesn’t push on in the same way I do.

im exhausted, the kids were up at 5:30, he asked me if I was going to get up, to which I replied ‘in a minute’ and then began a rant about how lazy I was. I basically told him where to go but I was in so much rage I told him that the reason I’m so exhausted is because I work so much/do so much childcare/housework and I can’t keep going the way I am. Then I told him I resented him for not earning enough money, meaning I’m trapped in the situation I’m in. I know I shouldn’t have said it and he’s obviously fuming now, telling me he doesn’t like the person I am in front of the kids.

I think i am BU but how do I deal with this resentment I feel??

Resenting him for earning less might be a bit unreasonable. If he is lazy and not bothered then fair enough to resent him but sometimes it's not as easy as just grafting to get a promotion (you work for a a company cutting jobs etc)

But you SHOULD resent him for failing to do his fair share of the childcare and domestic labour.
Why on earth isn't he getting up at 5.30am?
Why are you doing almost all domestic labour?

You work a 40 hour week so it is full time regardless of how many days it is over.

You should be angry at him but over his failure to pull his weight domestically

It doesn’t sound as if you resent how much he earns. It sounds as if you resent the fact you’re both the main breadwinner and the main child carer (and everything else).

When he asked you if you were going to get up, was he already up? Or was he staying in bed?

I don't think the problem should be who earns what, it's that he is not supporting you or the family in doing what needs to be done to get through a week. He should be stepping up with help, Chores etc etc and taking the pressure off you that way. He certainly shouldn't say things about you being 'lazy' cf. But I should imagine it cut deep saying to him you resented him. I'd resent him for no support rather than the money

Agree with earlier posters.

Do you even want to work less, as you're clearly driven? Or do you want less stress and more equity with the childcare, chores, mental load and emotional load?

Check bridging the gap community on Facebook.

And make a journal. Is it a pattern that he puts you down?

I’m not sure I do want to work less, I enjoy working it’s what I’m good at. I feel less good at the being a mum bit though and feel guilty I don’t spend more time with them or cut down my hours like a lot of my friends do. I don’t know.

my DH insists on everything being 50/50 and when I moan he doesn’t do any washing, he says he does the bins, when I moan he doesn’t do any cooking he says he sorts all the admin of the bills.

puts me down and insults me whenever we argue. Grew up in an abusive home and literally was taught by his abusive father to never give up in a fight and to do whatever you have to do to tear the other person down. He has worked really hard to sort alot of this out but we fight all the time.

Tell hime you'll swap your 50 for his 50. You do the 'bins and admin'. He gets to do the cooking and washing.

He sounds horrible and you sound miserable- nothing to do with what he earns but how he acts.

Money isn’t the problem here though, the problem is he’s being an arsehole to you.

puts me down and insults me whenever we argue. Grew up in an abusive home and literally was taught by his abusive father to never give up in a fight and to do whatever you have to do to tear the other person down. He has worked really hard to sort alot of this out but we fight all the time.

what would you tell your child to do if this was their relationship?

All this is much more of a problem than how much he earns. Bins and paying bills take 5 minutes, washing and cooking? Hours.
He insults you and puts you down, is there anything about him you actually like?

Not being unreasonable at all. I think DH sounds like a prat.

I’ve seen something similar with my mother although I was grown up by the time stepfather came on the scene. My mother is even now still working in a managerial role full time and works way too hard. My stepfather could have followed the examples of colleagues he started with and increased his earning potential at least fivefold. Instead he has coasted and been in the same role for 20+ years.

Understandably you feel resentful and why shouldn’t you? DH is not pulling his weight. The comment he’s made about applying for compressed hours has a bullshit smell to me. Unless he’s working for a one man band it’s not necessarily a case of, “oh the manager won’t approve it.” If he goes through a flexible working application process, if his boss says no he’ll have the option of appealing their decision. I’ve known a few get overturned, much to the line manager’s annoyance.
I helped a mate apply for permanent home working 18 months ago and their line manager wasn’t supportive. However, low and behold the outcome was it was agreed and the line manager did so clearly with gritted teeth. The same thing could happen with DH.

Couples’ counselling maybe? Alternatively have you got any mutual friends who are more on your side, who would be prepared to have a word?

This might sound childish but if it was me I think I’d go on strike after him saying you’re lazy. Is it worth trying to force his hand by saying you can only continue being the breadwinner if you have some additional help and therefore you want to get a cleaner, for example?

Reading experiences like these and I get now why I’ve known of other women, who abandoned ship and left the family home and the kids with the husband.

Your poor DC to be witnessing this OP. This isn't about the money this is about your crap marriage.

As others have said, I don't think the problem is what he earns, but his lack of work in the home and with the children.

For context, I earn a fair amount more than dh. He's not particularly ambitious either, but has always worked, and worked 5 days a week. He also pulls his weight around the home and with the children. I commute a total of 8 hours, twice a week, so he has to pull his weight. But I currently work 3 days, because I know I'm prone to burnout when I was working more than that (dd is nd which can be a strain at times). I've never, ever resented dh earning less than me. Because he does his share of cooking, cleaning, dropping off and picking up the children.

Cooking is a big time consuming job and is not equal to putting the bins out which takes minutes and zero mental load. Or paying the bills. I mean how much effort is setting up a direct debit and sorting insurance quotes annually?
Cooking plus laundry (if it includes sorting, folding, putting away) is massively unbalanced and no where near 50:50.

So he is insisting on 50/50 around the house, despite the fact that you work longer hours and do more childcare? And then he doesn't even do his half anyway? There is no way that a bit of admin is equivalent to doing all the cooking! And he's horrible to you as well?

You have more problems here than him earning less OP. He sounds awful.

I would say I agree we should do 50/50 and I apologise. From now on I will do all your household jobs and you can do mine, this will help me understand your point of view. Then do the bins, the admin and no doubt take the car through the car wash.

Hes a lazy arse. Bins and admin😁. Do you food shop too?

Are you in a position to split up. He doesn’t sound much fun.

He puts the bins out?

Way to go.

my DH insists on everything being 50/50

But it's not 50/50, it doesn't sound like it's even close!

You are both doing a full time job but then you are doing a day of solo childcare, washing, cooking and early morning getups (daily tasks?). He's doing the bins (a weekly task?) and bills (a monthly task?). And on top of that he aims to break you down in arguments? You have plenty to resent here although I don't think his wages should be top of the list!

Sorting the bill admin and doing the bins takes up waaaaayyy less time and energy than the laundry and cooking.

Emptying a bin takes 5 minutes;prepping the ingredients,cooking a whole meal and cleaning up afterwards takes at least an hour.

I doubt he needs to empty the bins or do the admin daily yet laundry and cooking now needs to be done daily.

It’s more than “we are 50/50 on housework”, even if that is true eg:
are you 50/50 on hours worked?
are you 50/50 on early mornings or overnight wakeups with the kids?
are you 50/50 on leisure / relaxing time?
are you 50/50 on lie ins?
are you 50/50 on drop offs, pick ups, bathtimes?

I would be furious to be told I’m lazy for not jumping out of bed at 5.30am by someone who was also awake and could presumably stagger out of bed themselves.

The aggressiveness and arguments are more concern than the salary differential.

You're not 50/50 on housework though, bins are weekly at most and takes 5 minutes, paying bills need set up on direct debit and even if not they are monthly or quarterly and a relatively quick task.

Cooking and laundry is daily and time consuming.

I think you feel resentful because you're working incredibly hard both professionally and at home and it feels like the other person is coasting. Considering what you've outlined I don't think you're unreasonable.

Quite honestly, who does he think he is speaking to you in an abusive manner? If he understands the reasons behind this behaviour, it doesn't mean he can use it as an excuse. He's perfectly self aware and does it because he can.

Then swap, say fine I will do the bins and admin. Let him crack on with the daily and longer tasks, then he may appreciate the inequality.

He really doesn’t sound a very nice person. Life is short. Think about what you want.

This is a good idea. My husband and I have switched roles every so often and it does mean you get to check that it's an equal burden....plus change is as good as a rest and all that.

my DH insists on everything being 50/50 and when I moan he doesn’t do any washing, he says he does the bins, when I moan he doesn’t do any cooking he says he sorts all the admin of the bills.

Easy, swap tasks if it's so fair. I'd love to do the bins and the admin of the bills vs washing and cooking.

You have a DH problem here - it's not about th emoney. It's about him contributing less overall.

It's not about him earning less though. It's about him not pulling his weight in regards to housework and admin.

Taking the bins out takes 5 minutes. Doing all the dishes every day plus cooking must take 2 hours?!

Doing the bills takes maybe 20 minutes every couple of months if you have to switch suppliers.

He's taking the piss.

Was he already up at 5:30? Or did he want to stay in bed?