Resent husband for earning less

[YouknowmeIdowhatIdo]

DH grew up very poor, social housing, parents out of work. This means he is very risk adverse when it comes to money, as he has a lot of fear around not having enough money which I can understand.

when we met we were earning similar, and over the last 10 years I have grafted and gone for every promotion and every opportunity that has come my way. It’s been a hard slog. I have had to work for some atrocious managers and worked under a lot of pressure. He has often said I can’t handle this. Anyway in that time, I have had two DC and always worked full time after maternity leave. Since having the DC I have worked a compressed week to save on childcare but it’s been a killer and I’m close to burnout after doing 40 hour weeks and a day of solo childcare.

I earn around 50% more than DH (plus save a days childcare for the two DC every month) and I think it’s time to cut back hours but it would take a big hit to our finances. I’ve asked DH to do a compressed week but his boss ‘doesn’t approve them’. I’ve talked to him about moving jobs but he likes to stay where he is where he is comfortable. He doesn’t push on in the same way I do.

im exhausted, the kids were up at 5:30, he asked me if I was going to get up, to which I replied ‘in a minute’ and then began a rant about how lazy I was. I basically told him where to go but I was in so much rage I told him that the reason I’m so exhausted is because I work so much/do so much childcare/housework and I can’t keep going the way I am. Then I told him I resented him for not earning enough money, meaning I’m trapped in the situation I’m in. I know I shouldn’t have said it and he’s obviously fuming now, telling me he doesn’t like the person I am in front of the kids.

I think i am BU but how do I deal with this resentment I feel??

You've pushed yourself to earn more and are now burnt out and miserable. I don't blame him for not wanting that.
I could earn more but refuse to take on extra responsibility at work
It does sound like you both need to sit and and work out a fairer split of jobs at home.

Why can't he do 50/50 cooking/washing? Yeah he takes the bins out but that's 5 second job compared to cooking for up to a hour or washing up for twenty minutes!
Bills is a monthly thing to for a hour each month, not a daily thing.
No wonder you're exhausted he's taking the easy options.

Bins and bills takes a fraction of the amount of time and effort as washing and cooking. They are not even remotely comparable.

Are you doing all of the cooking? And does that include meal planning and food shopping?

He sounds lazy.

Why isn't he doing half of the childcare and the housework? Tell him to get off his bum and do his fair share.

Plus, if you earn more, perhaps he should go part time, and do the majority of the childcare leaving you free to concentrate on being primary wage earner without all the extra load.

Or perhaps point out that since you are doing everything anyway, what is the point of him? I thought marriage was supposed to be an equal partnership! (probably why I'm single)

Good suggestion! In no world is washing equivalent to doing the bins.

Yeah I don’t think it’s purely about money, he isn’t contributing to the household fairly.

Definitely this.

Cooking and washing are a great deal more work than bins and admin.

Thanks for your responses. Don’t get me wrong he does help with childcare, in fact that is where we are equally split, but I am having to do all the life admin, the kids admin and the mental load.

anything I say about how I feel he tells me I am wrong or it’s not true. He is fundamentally a good person but I worry his upbringing has damaged him so badly that he will never change.

i asked him if he even liked me given the way he behaves and he said he is just here for the children and because we sometimes have good times. I have thought about leaving before but I can’t be away from my kids half the time.

So you're not equally split. he looks after the children . I assume that means he's at the bare minimum - keeps them alive?

Bins and admin is NOT equal to washing and cooking.

And the mental load is real. Why can't he take some of that on?

anything I say about how I feel he tells me I am wrong or it’s not true. He is fundamentally a good person but I worry his upbringing has damaged him so badly that he will never change.

My alarm bells are ringing. So he gaslights you. He doesn't do his share (and no, bins is NOT the same as laundry) and he is playing the victim due to his terrible upbringing?

Lots of covert narcissistic traits there I'd say. Also pretty common for these men to select more successful women, sponge off them, and STILL make out that they are the victim.

Make no mistake, he's staying because his life is 10000 easier with you in it - you pay for things, do most of the heavy lifting etc. I certainly can't say he's a covert narcissist based on this thread but if he IS one, then that's another reason to stay - you are his supply and because of the inequality and his uselessness, he gets to play the victim which, weirdly, is what he needs.

It sounds like he is resistant to any changes in the current status quo.

It also sounds like the rot has started to set in and if you don't make some changes, your marriage will hit the skids. Him saying "he's just here for the children" is pretty damning. It's also no way to live. The pair of you being stuck in a miserable and unhappy marriage will ultimately be highly damaging to your children.

Him refusing to hear you is very bad news. It denies and negates your feelings, and minimises your concerns.

Switching the roles and responsibilities as previously suggested is definitely a way forward. Although if he refuses, then you'll know he really doesn't want to "fix" anything.

You deserve so much better than this. You are a hard working woman, bringing up her children with love.

You say that you are concerned that his upbringing has damaged him, is this being passed on to your children?

Totally understand you do not want to have to hand over your children to him for 50% of the time.

Sounds like your children are still young so this situation may last a good few years more.

But is there any way to cut your load? . Don’t do his laundry; leave it for him to do.
I agree with trying a swap. But I doubt he will go for that, or will be so useless at the cooking and cleaning that you will want to take it back.

If not already in place, sort out your finances - maintain a separate account and transfer in your half of the house hold cost. The rest is your eventual freedom fund.

If he kicks off, just walk away. Do not engage in his ‘ never back down from a fight nonsense’ . He is not risk averse he is lazy and unpleasant.

Would it be easier to go back to doing 5 days?

Even if you have to pay more childcare or for a cleaner?

Then leave him and reconsider compressed hours again in future if it works for you.

It all sounds exhausting at the moment.

Resenting him for earning less money is unreasonable so putting the focus on that is just making your points sound invalid.
He still works full time so you can’t just claim you work harder because you earn more.
Who has the children in the morning or evening when you are doing your compressed longer day?
You say you work harder because you do more childcare as you have a full day, but he’s in work then so it’s not like he’s having a jolly.
What does the rest of the time in the evenings and weekend look like? Who does what?

You’re caught in this bad communication and an endless argument of who has it worse hence all the “but I do X!” comebacks from both of you.
Stop looking at it as him vs you. It’s the family unit, what can be done to make everything run more smoothly. Do you need to swap some chores around to play to your strengths more? Does it make more sense for one of you to do X vs Y. Do you have everything as streamlined and automated as possible? Do
you have your favourites set up for an online food shop etc

Erm, that's not 50/50. Bins need doing once a week, do you only cook once per week?
50/50 should be based on chores of equal length of time to complete.

Trust me it is easier to be away from the kids half the time than you think. Especially when you are working full time. It allows you to have a breather, get on top of things like the housework but without the pressure of fitting it around dinner times, bathtimes and bedtime routines etc. that means you are more calm and relaxed when you do have your dc and spend more quality time with them.
Don't let the fear of not seeing your dc for half the week, make you stay in a miserable relationship

He is not a good person—stop saying that! He may have had an awful childhood but that is no excuse for living as an awful adult. He does nothing to break the cycle of abuse and happily benefits from the behavior he learned from his father.

He has imported into your life anger, verbal abuse, controlling and cruel behavior. He relishes fighting with you, insults you, invalidates your feelings, and lets you overwork and burnout because he is lazy, unambitious, and can exploit you.

If you try to change anything he will simply up the abuse to bring you back under his control.

So he's basically told he's only with you because it's easier. Don't stay in this relationship.

He doesn't respect you. And some of your comments about how he hasn't made it as far as you in work also suggest to me you don't respect him (and for unfair reasons - the real reason you shouldn't respect him is how lazy he is around the house).

He might not want the kids 50-50 if he's used to you doing all the cooking and most of the cleaning. He probably won't cope and ask for less. And the time you don't have them will mean you have time to mentally reset like a pp said.

when I moan he doesn’t do any washing, he says he does the bins, when I moan he doesn’t do any cooking he says he sorts all the admin of the bills.

Say that from the start of next month you will be swapping all chores - so he will do the cooking life admin and laundry and you will do the bins and bills. Either he'll be happy with this or he will have to accept that he is not pulling his weight. I suggest that you think about marriage counselling.

Stop allowing his upbringing to be an excuse.

He is an adult now and he chooses how to act. There are so many threads on here about people who had an awful upbringing but made an active choice not to perpetuate this.

If you take his upbringing out of the equation are you still happy to accept his verbal aggression and put downs?

He has told you that he doesn't want to be there. You are already away from the children a good chunk for work. I'm not saying that to be horrible, I know how it feels to not have my kids 100% of the time. You might actually find that you have more quality time with them if you are getting the boring jobs done on the days he is with them, not emotionally drained from living with someone who treats you badly and not carrying his mental load on top of yours and the kids.

Leaving is scary. You would be OK, the kids would be OK.

Upbringing is an excuse. How many people have been assaulted and abused? They still manage to be decent partners? Or they get help for the bits they struggle with.

So many people have excuses. Why doesn’t he think ‘my childhood sucked, what can I do to be an amazing partner and father?’. Rather than ‘I was treated like shit so I’m not responsible for treating others like shit.’ It just seems like he thinks his behaviour and choices are someone else’s fault! His fathers, or yours, or his kids.

There are books galore available at low cost. Counselling if it’s within budget (or he is prepared to cut back else where). Internet help. Why doesn’t he come on here and ask for resources on you tube etc? I bet there are thousands of women on here who know great resources.

But he has to want to change. And he needs to ask for help. But age has made me realise that some people like being horrid and they always have an excuse. You are judging him by your standards. There is a book called ‘women who love too much’. Maybe work out why you want to stay and work on that. You won’t change him and it seems to suit his lazy nature being the way he is, so why would he change?

So sorry you’re exhausted and burnt out. ❤️

It sounds like you only communicate about these issues when it’s a problem. Like arguing about who will wake up at 5.30 at 5.30 rather than the night before or having it as an established thing.

Me and DH used to argue a lot about who did what but we sat down when we were not feeling emotional, wrote a list of ALL the chores and responsibilities and divided them.

We sometimes have to change it but we always try and agree on who’s doing what so it’s fair BEFORE we reach the point of wanting to kill each other.

It’s understandable, but it’s not rational. The real issue is not the wage gap, but the unequal housework / childcare duties. You both need to know where the other stands and what can be done to improve the situation. If you’re feeling burnt out and like you work harder / better than your husband, and on top of that he isn’t pulling his weight at home, then he needs to know all of this. If he’s doing less hours maybe he can do more childcare and housework, just like it is for millions of women where the dynamic is often the other way around?

Agree with this and also remember that compressed hours is a definite no in some industries/workplaces

You can't change him. Fundamentally this is who he is, he doesn't even love you.

And you are modelling a terrible relationship for your children. You'll end up stressed and resentful, he's just Disney dad, and the danger is that the kids will just resent you both once they grow up.

My own mum is wonderful but she was like you, worked 10 hour days then came home and did EVERYTHING. All my childhood memories were of her being tired, on edge, stressed and frankly, hard to be around. I just tried to avoid being around her as much as possible.

Money is not the problem. The fact that you have to work more AND do so much more at home AND that he is fundamentally not a nice person, is the real problem