to ask if you've gone through your autistic DH's unmasking process...

[WetBBQPants]

and if so, what behaviours, attitudes, narratives did you notice? Did it change things for you, as in feeling you hadn't married the person you thought you had?

There to do the cleaning and listen? Not allowed to sing or be happy?

As well as the much more reasonable 'not allowed to kick off'.

Again only speaking from my experience, but it was awful when my ex used to get overwhelmed and have meltdowns over things. He would smack his hand against walls in a ‘I’ve watched too many tv dramas’ sort of way, but it still made me jump. I felt I was always walking on eggshells, I could never be negative in my tone or raise worries in case I triggered it. And I could never say anything that could be deemed to be criticism of him, I’d have shouting, crying and even foot stomping. If I did snap over something , he wouldn’t let me get my feelings out, he’d follow me around shouting at me because he wanted me to just stop being angry as it was triggering him. I was worried it was teaching my autistic children that it was ok to blow up when not dealing with something well.

Who said it was constant? It depends on the levels here. It could be he doesn't allow any human emotion good or bad.
If it were constant I doubt him disapproving could prevent it anyway.

Refusing to accept behaviour from a partner that negatively affects you is the way forward. If together you can't work out then you split up. I echo an earlier poster who said that boundaries should be taught in schools.
I'm sorry for the poster who said he partner refuses to accept it but in al honestly, very few would or should allow themselves to live with a partner who can create chaos in their lives.

I also have to recognize the earlier poster who perfectly described the difficulties of living with "the sour face and monosyllabic answers".

Nobody is entitled to a relationship and inflict themselves on a person.

No I wasn't like this all the time or even weekly, it was just occasionally. I can get very irritable and upset when my depression is severe. I never do the silent treatment or anything like that. I recognise that problematic behaviour causes upset to others in the house so I'm okay with taking medication and keeping it under control. Meltdowns are distressing and I don't want those.

My dh doesn't really do any emotion and I noticed years ago that when I'm happy he seems to resent it. Ds is the same. They both seem more accepting of me when I'm bland and even a bit miserable. When I'm happy I'm enthusiastic, want to go to places and I sing songs to the cats. I'm not manic or anything. I think as long as I'm quiet they're happy.

Ds does do the irritated, monosyllabic response thing and I find that very difficult to live with. He gets away with far more poor behaviour than I ever have. I think men do though don't they?

I think most parents will tolerate behaviour from their children that they won't tolerate from their partners.