to ask if you've gone through your autistic DH's unmasking process...

[WetBBQPants]

and if so, what behaviours, attitudes, narratives did you notice? Did it change things for you, as in feeling you hadn't married the person you thought you had?

If someone learns they're autistic and then uses it as an excuse just to be an arse that's not the autism that's the man

If most men genuinely had these traits (which they don't), then they would be considered to be normal male traits. If that were true, wouldn't your refusal to accept them be considered sexist?

yes the unmasking process (or specific events) is very hard. You need your own support if you can find it OP.

THIS!

@BlahBlahBaa And it’s a lot easier now we can frame some of his key drivers in terms of looking for a dopamine hit

Can you explain more about this? I feel like this is one of the missing pieces in my understanding DHs behaviour, but I can't explain why. It just feels like he's looking for... something

Dh is currently going through an Autism and ADHD assessment, ds 7 has ADHD.

the poster above who mentioned that dh is separate from the rest of the family is something I can relate to.

he has mental blocks, and rings me when he’s out and about as he’s forgotten how to do simple tasks.

for example he’s not fuelled the car up for years (I’m the main driver and always do it) but he was taking the car for the day. He rang me at the fuel station as he was stood there and couldn’t think how to put fuel in the car. He couldn’t remember if you pay first, or afterwards, what fuel to put in etc.

you’ll ask him something and he will reply with yes, when he means no as he’s not thinking about what you’re saying to him.

he gets distracted very easily, he will sit in the car waiting for us to go out in the car with him, but not think there is a list of things to do before we even get in the car, get all the children’s stuff together etc.

he needs constantly reminding to give ds his medication (it’s given with breakfast and he does the breakfast). I get mad at him for forgetting stuff all the time, he wants me to keep asking him if he’s given him the medication. It winds me up that I have to do all the thinking in the house, the children etc and he has one bloody job and still needs reminding to do it!

I get very stressed thinking for him and me and the kids

OMG this describes our situation properly.

We met as teenagers over 30 years ago and I loved his quirky ways. When DS was diagnosed with autism it still didn't occur to me that DH may also have traits, but in the last few years the penny has dropped.

Now it all has fallen into place like a big reveal in a detective story.

But also, it makes no difference tbh, he is who he is and he's isn't going to change so soon I will need to decide if I am going to stay or leave. Because over the years I'm finding it harder to cope with.

Fortunately my husband pretty much read over.my shoulder as I did a (they're free i definitely recommend looking one up) course on understanding autism. So whilst we are both recognising ourselves.and navigating our coping mechanisms etc we both know enough that it's about our own development / learning / processing and how to balance the need to navigate the world with managing stress and anxiety. As well as being accepting of ourselves and going easy on our internalised pressure. So we talk about things, how it can impact us/ each other/ household.

I was clearly being a bit tongue in cheek but no I don't think the culture we live in where men expect women to do home and emotional labour is sexist towards men..
Men are brought up to not see these things as their role. It's slowly happening but it's a cultural shift that's needed.

Anyway many men behave this way autistic or not.
If you have an autistic man in your life that's using his autism as an excuse to be a poor father and partner then that's shitty.

When you've been undiagnosed with an ND condition right into adulthood, you have developed all kinds of coping strategies and masking, most of which are actually stressful and/or maladaptive. In order to create new, functional coping strategies, the old, maladaptive ones need to be unbuilt and unlearned.

This is so, so true.

I described as him acting like the Sun and the rest of us in the family were just satellites revolving around him. For years I railed about it , never being able to delegate , trust him to remember a task , make good decisions. Couldnt understand how he held quite a high paying and responsible job.He was very happy though to be led by me and never disagreeable. But I had always imagined that my marriage would be shares responsibility. Felt guilty as I worried about emasculating him . Also thought others saw me as pushy or a nag.
Knowing what his issues are has been a huge relief to both of us . Still not easy but at least I am sure that he is not doing it to disrespect me or ignore me .

This feels like a good time to admit I have only been to one petrol station in the last 10 years because I know 'how it works'. I would have no idea what to do if I needed petrol somewhere else. I know this makes me a ridiculous adult but I wish I could put into words how this feels on the inside.

I do genuinely appreciate how difficult it must be to live with someone like me, but it is incredibly difficult being someone like me too.

Undiagnosed, female... youngest child just been put on diagnostic pathway, which came as no surprise to me knowing that there is a genetic element at play.

Wishing the best for you and your family OP.

My own autism results in poor social skills, a dislike of busy/noisy spaces, difficulty in identifying nuances in conversation, needing to know what the 'rules' are and needing to know all the details before I can do a job/make a decision. I also prefer my food to be in certain positions on my plate, not on top of other things, and sauces etc served separately. I managed for 60 years not knowing I was autistic and just thinking I was a bit weird. I was often uncomfortable in social situations or about my meals, but just sucked it up. It is much more comfortable now that I know there is a legitimate reason and I am able to do something about difficult situations. My family are top of my agenda and are the centre of my life... but I think maybe too much? I don't see them all the time or interfere with their decisions, so maybe not too much!

Define decent.

Autism varies hugely from person to person. Relationship difficulties aren’t just about expressing emotions. When you are diagnosed if you get support you are told to be kind to yourself.

The ND course I’ve just been on spent a good part of it on looking after yourself and being kind to yourself. My husband and I are having therapy to help with it. He needs to learn how to support my ND. He manages it with our children( as do I) so not sure why my ND needs just don’t count. He

Most definitely, 100% THIS.

Your husbands aren’t shit because they’re ‘autistic’.

They’re just simply shit husbands, like so many neurotypical men.

Define shit

I have been through this and it is nice to share as I don't tell people. Over the tears I gradually realised that he was autistic, our son got diagnosed and the penny dropped for him. He was devastated and thought about all the things that had ever gone wrong in his life and realised why. Depression and irritable outbursts got worse, this had always been and issue for me, spending holidays being bellowed at because he was overwhelmed. Anyway, he is now on sertraline and it has been amazing, a lot less bothered by things and we get on better. However, my mentality now is that we rub along as housemates and I do my own thing. I don't expect any of that from him (nice days out, holidays etc) Works for me.

I'm a bit confused what you mean. Of course we all need to make accommodations to support ND people. But that doesn't mean them getting to completely check out of parenting or housework.
It's about finding ways that everyone can contribute equally.
Your struggles are as important as his.

Refusing to do any housework, refusing to be a part of raising children. Not seeing either of those things as their responsibility.

It’s been really hard. I can see that we have so many incompatibilities that would have been quickly revealed had he not masked. Now we are in so deep it’s hard to know what to do. It seems the expectation is for me to accommodate, which I can do partially, but I cannot do endlessly, I need some space to be authentically me, also.

Everything is autism-related now. I’m seeing that my expectations of having an ‘us’ are not really shared, we are not really a ‘team’ in the sense that I’d like, where things are deeply co-shaped together but more parallel players. It’s daunting, the terms of marriage have changed, ND is a forever thing. I don’t know what I can hope for.

That’s not what PPs are describing.

It’s more, that it doesn’t occur to him that my opinions may be different and need to be taken into account. He’s very organised, so tended to have bought my babies’ first birthday and Christmas presents months before without discussion. So we had duplo train set when I’d have preferred the wooden one and so on.

Nothing was ever discussed because he always knew how it should be.

So there’s no mutual decision making, just arguing for our own preference/position whenever it arises.

He will vacuum every day- more- but never clean a bathroom.

He’s not lazy or selfish. He just really forgets that there are other ways to do things/think and rushes in regardless.

Perfect example- if I need to take something with me when I go out I put it ready near the door so I remember to take it.
He will put it away without wondering why it’s there, or how it got there.

When I pointed that out to him, he said I should have told him why it was there. But he wasn’t in the house when I did it, and put it away as he entered the house, so when could I have told him?

It’s all really petty, but it accumulates into loneliness because you have to carry the burden of all the accommodating.

Obviously everyone with autism is different and some make fabulous partners and their struggles are very different.

There a some who share certain qualities that make relationships hard for their partners. I should emphasise DH is very happy. I’m not making him unhappy, he’s not impacted by the gap between us.

Lacking executive function due to neurodivergence can make you ‘shit’. It makes me shit at times when everything is descending into chaos and I dont know where to start to sort it. It takes so much more effort for someone like me and my ex to function in things that comes easy to others, what is actually shit is recognising it and not taking any steps to manage it.

Agree and I’m really, really concerned this is going to be the new get-out clause for abuse, essentially. God forbid the family courts get wind of this and have another reason to hand children over to abusive, crap fathers

It took me ages to to work out what was masking, what was being a sexist twat, and everything in between. We divorced.

I still feel sad though because as well as being (now) absolutely sure he was a deliberate abusive dickhead he was also utterly baffled a lot of the time which then contributed to the dickheadery.

We have neuro divergent kids and I see their struggles and my heart aches. He however cannot see that, and blames their difficulties on my shortcomings as a mother whereas because he pays the maintenance on time, his parenting job is done.

The dissonance is agony. I oscillate from feeling so so so sorry for him (as my friend said - “he knows he blew it and bail never find anyone like you”) and then I see his behaviour around the kids and think “I hope you die screaming, you useless faking cunt.”

And then I think “what if our kids turn out like him?”

Around it goes.

I am absolutely the same, but we’re in danger here of attributing general misogynistic ring-fencing of men’s time and valuing their time over the family’s their partners etc to austism