to ask if you've gone through your autistic DH's unmasking process...

[WetBBQPants]

and if so, what behaviours, attitudes, narratives did you notice? Did it change things for you, as in feeling you hadn't married the person you thought you had?

It’s really not.
Why can’t you hear what we are saying? It’s so frustrating when you write off people like my husband as ‘shit’. He isn’t. He’s got many great qualities. It’s still not easy being married to him.

My kids- one of whom is ND- can see it. One has chosen not to be in a relationship.

I’m not writing off YOUR husband as shit. Where did I say that?

Why can’t you hear what I’M saying, that so many misogynistic traits mirror what you’re saying. As the above poster wrote, it’s hard to tell sometimes what is what. So your husband has ASD. Great. But many are just plain useless, selfish and abusive MINUS the ASD but the traits are so similar, I can guarantee this will be the next big anti-feminist “we’re men and can’t help it” trend.

Please look up Zawn on Facebook to make sure you know exactly what you’re dealing with. Already on this post someone has put down an exes ABUSE as being due to neurodivergent

Being useless, selfish and abusive is not similar to autistic traits. That is a really awful thing to say and hugely ignorant.

It explains a lot (he said to me he didn’t think anything was wrong with him until I pointed it out) but at the same time it makes me angry because I made the choice I did. I was very young 22 and I was in a different place, I think I was taken in by his family and generally how they were better off than me. I put them on a pedastal and him.

Now I’m different after years of therapy I can see how his need for control has affected me,

There is an intersection where a man’s mask may be based on patriarchal tropes and he may end up being particularly stuck in patriarchal behaviours. He may feel he must don’t and she must do y because that’s what society expects, and find it even harder to let go of those expectations.

Sinking, I think you are underestimating the ability of women on this thread to tell the difference between your ‘average shit husband’ and our partners whose autism makes it harder for them to be responsive husbands and parents.

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As this is in AIBU I am going to have an opinion. I don't know anything about it and hadn't even heard of it but what I don't get is why anyone would get together with someone who behaves that way regardless of whether they are diagnosed or just an asshole. Is it just the old fashioned need to fix the man or is there something outstandingly attractive about these men who behave like oddball toddlers. I like men a lot, I especially enjoy sharing my life with one. But if he wasn't a strong capable adult, a soul mate and equal friend and able to provide and protect his family I would never have engaged with him.

Autistic people behave like odd ball toddlers.What a truly awful thing to say and completely untrue.

My husband brushes his teeth without being asked. He doesn't go silent or behave coldly when he's uncomfortable. He just lives his life, ups and downs. I am only responding to the slightly indulgent tone of posters who seem to want to celebrate behaviours that aren't actually very nice.

I don’t do any of those things, neither does my daughter or my two sons. We’re all adults with autism. Your sweeping generalisation and ableist language re a disability is not ok.

@Valeriesimpleton I’ve reported your first post because it’s a very unhelpful attitude towards a really sensitive subject.

Some people with disabilities need carers. Sometimes elements of that core are taken on by romantic partners and yes, it can be hard to adjust.

If you lost the ability to clean your own teeth would you expect your husband to leave you?

I have ASD. I’m not saying it, that’s what pp have said the unmasking equates to

Fucking hell, I can really tell you don't know anything about autism. I have ASD. I have had people like you openly ask me if I don't like people, don't have any emotions, don't have any empathy.

To which I reply: fuck you.

Being ND means we process information differently. In a myriad of different ways; the ND family is as diverse as any other. So, I actually love people, love socialising, love my kids, have a great relationship with DH, and have a huge, huge well of empathy and love (that can tip over into something unhelpful, yes, a kind of over-empathy which is a known ASD trait). I also have a huge drive for social justice and fairness, also an ASD thing.

My point is: it's not all Rain Man. The 'traits' so depressingly trotted out here as autism are in fact Just Shit Men. With a great fat side serving of ableism.

Yes, I struggle - I see the world differently to NT people and sometimes find you all a bit weird. It leads to misunderstandings. Sometimes I don't 'get' something straight away, but I usually get there in the end. I have had to work hard at communication in my marriage and with my friends. But do I act like an unfeeling, horrible robot.

No, I do not.

Please read up on what autism and ND actually is before spouting such hurtful, awful comments. I have a disability is all; it doesn't mean I am not deserving of basic respect and - oh the irony - empathy.

Exactly that. I thought my (now ex) partner was shy - it turned out he was just completely uninterested in other people - including me.

OP, I'm ND (ADD) married to an autistic man. I dated many before him. Always been drawn to ND people.

Just because something is a manifestation of a certain erm neurodiversity, doesn't mean you have to put up with it. If the person doesn't suit you - bin. They're not a random member of the public you need to be inclusive towards.

My husband and I think in similar ways so we are happy together. We like lots of space (also cuddles!). The only thing is he doesn't like going out as much as he claimed to since we dated but I don't really care. It's difficult fore to juggle a lot of things like housework etc and so many would consider my house a tip but hey who cares.

I know I'm difficult to live with and quite frankly was prepared to be single. Nobody is owed a relationship.

I'm the autistic one in our marriage and my dh doesn't tolerate me unmasking. I have to take medication in order to behave myself and appear within acceptable limits. My difficulties are mainly related to menopause and depression though.

Ds is 20 now and autistic and he is a very difficult person and I can't see him maintaining a relationship unless he makes a big effort and develops some self awareness and maturity. He hasn't had a girlfriend yet. I worry about this. He might be better off with an independently minded autistic female who can just shrug off his moods and poor attitude.

To be honest, I think that autistic men are probably more difficult to get along with than autistic women. I have two autistic female friends and I find they're pretty good. The autistic men I know seem to struggle far more, need more help, guidance and supervision and have more problematic behaviours. Is this due to socialisation or what? I don't know. Female autists seem more independent and have more initiative too. I think a lot of men have poor attitudes and add autism into the mix and you might be struggling a lot. I can see this.

My ex masked (evidently heavily) when we first dated. With undiagnosed men I think two things happen when they recognise they’re possibly autistic - depression (which mixed in with sensory issues can lead to poor hygiene) and the sociological side where women are expected to ‘carry on’ despite struggling themselves. Men will not be seen to be struggling with executive functioning if they’re putting all their effort into one area (employment) and not have anything else left to give in other areas. It has until recent years been either excused or unnoticed because women were expected to take care of the home anyway.

You can of course have an opinion, but to have one on conditions and situations you evidently don’t know anything about, how they can develop or fluctuate, can make you seem like you aren’t very intelligent.

I agree with this - men get a lot more slack in general. ND women are often masking to the point of complete burnout but being ND isn't a get out of jail free card for anyone - I know you're not saying it is by the way and I'm ND myself

In my case, raised by a narcissistic mum I am a very talented people pleaser and facilitator. So I’m great at working around him. And missed the warning signs. Also, when I was his special interest he appeared more considerate than anyone had been before.

It was just a bit bewildering and lonely when his focused changed.

What does he not tolerate you doing? What medication is there for autism and what does it do?

He doesn't tolerate me getting angry, upset, having a meltdown, being sarcastic, argumentative or being angry about bureaucratic stuff, like bills etc. I don't think he likes me being happy or enthusiastic either and the singing might get on his nerves. I have an alter ego that I call 'Mrs Bland' that I'm supposed to be and if she goes missing I have to go and find her. I pretty much there to do the cleaning and listen to him droning on about stuff. The medication helps me with that as well.

The medication shuts me up makes me calmer and not so angry. I can also concentrate better on it.

Is he allowed to do those things? Human emotion isn't exclusive to ND people.
What medication is it?

Um, he doesn't really do emotion. The medication is venlafaxine.

@iliveintrumpton your husband is abusive. I'm sorry. Please seek help.

It's he though?

"He doesn't tolerate me getting angry, upset, having a meltdown, being sarcastic, argumentative or being angry about bureaucratic stuff, like bills etc. I don't think he likes me being happy or enthusiastic either and the singing might get on his nerves"

I wouldn't want to live with somebody, or have my children around, a partner that was constantly angry, upset, having meltdowns, being sarcastic, getting angry about nothing -e.g. bills.

If @iliveintrumpton was describing a man behaving like this, you'd almost certainly say the man was abusive.