To expect husband to contribute more to the trip

[Anuta77]

We rarely go on vacation because we have a lot of expenses.
DH needs to go to a professional conference in an interesting city in another country. He has to pay the conference fees (he needs to go to get points to stay in his professional organization), and obviously accomodation, car rental, etc.
He suggested that I go with him, so we have a vacation without the kids.
Im totally fine with paying for my plane ticket and half for car rental and accomodation, however I realize that by coming with him, hes saving compared to going alone and he will be able to write down these expenses in his tax report. Not me.
Somewhere deep down, I feel that he could contribute more to this so called vacation. It isnt really a convenient moment for me, its not my first choice for a destination and I have to make arrangements for the kids which is really stressful for me.
AIBU?

‘Sure honey, could you make arrangements for the kids’? My Dh and I do not only get out because I’ve arranged someone to look after the kids, why can’t he?!

is there a deeper issue that you carry everyone all the time so have a heavier load, or that you have separate finances so it sucks that you’re paying more than him for this vacation he is dictating? Tell him you’ll come if he books and pays a nice dinner, there’s no tax write off for you in this.

Our money is joint so it would come out of our joint account but i wouldn’t be paying for accommodation or car hire as those amounts would be the same if I was there or not. Only expense would be cost of flights and food.

We have a common account and personal accounts. All the expenses are coming out from the common account.

Thats what Im thinking he should have proposed. Unfortunately, he never proposes to invite me unless its my birthday or mothers day.

I the real crux of the matter that the money just isn’t there? Be in the joint account or your individual account or his account money is tight due to bills?

We have enough for this, its not luxury by any means and he needs it for his professional organization which helps him bring clients. Obviously, will have to be more frugal afterwards.

All the expenses are coming out from the common account.

I'm so confused. What's wrong with this? Are the personal accounts much bigger and unbalanced in his favour?

I don’t really get the drama, it just sounds like you don’t want to go, things like “making arrangements for the kids” being stressful just sounds like a weak excuse.
If you want to go then go, if you don’t then don’t. If you have a joint account surely this just comes out of that? Unless you split every expense down the middle from personal money usually?
He’s hardly making a profit by adding more expense to the joint account if you and the kids go, I don’t understand your thinking there.

We put money into the joint account 50-50. So whatever hes adding is for his own expenses and me, for mine.

I dont know how much he has in his personal account. Do other spouses check each others personal accounts? I only know what we put and that is half half. He makes somewhat more than me.

What’s the point of a joint account?
Surely this issue sound who pays for what has come up before since you’re married and have children? How do determine what is a personal expense and what isn’t?

If he earns more than you he should be putting more in the joint account, not 50:50. Usual way is you have equal personal spends but split bills according to income

Are you putting in 50/50 into the joint account despite him earning more? What goes in needs to be based on your income, so 70-30 as an example is he out earns you.
yes I know how much is in my dh’s accounts hobby account and pension.

If the trip is coming from the common account and you don’t join him, aren’t you still paying half of his travel expenses?

I'm confused.

It was ok for him to pay for his work trip out of the shared account when it was just him.

But now it's both of you it should come partially from his personal account?

So it’s coming out of the joint account?

But as you contribute equally you want him to pay towards it out of his own money. Even though, despite saying ‘I am paying for the flight’, it’s coming out of joint money?

When he uses this in his expenses it means that he won’t be paying tax in his portion. Which is the same whether you are there or not, doesn’t it?

Also he earns more, but make the same financial contribution to the family as you.

But you sort all the childcare for your shared children, so you are making a greater non-financial contribution.

I'd start invoicing him for the time you spend facilitating his life.

No, then the trip would be his personal expense.

No, its only coming from the joint account because Im coming.

If we contribute 50-50 and our tickets cost the same, its the same thing as if each of us was paying for the ticket from our personal accounts.
If he goes alone, he pays car rental and accomodation from his personal account, i.e. alone.
If he goes with me, the car rental and accomodation come from our joint account, i.e. we are paying for it 50-50, so he is saving 50%.

Yes, because we are a blended family and its really difficult to determine what is fair. He pays maintenance for his children from the previous relationship and I have a son who lives with us full time as the father abandonned him. And I get some money for the kids from the gouvernement.

When you return if the joint is short ask him to chip in extra from his savings account because on any other trip the whole of the expense would come out of his account. Or request his trip be paid for as usual from his personal account and yours from the joint.

Honestly I’m having a tough time following your explanation here, but this is what the split should be if you actually want to go:

-All of the expenses he would pay if he were traveling alone on a business trip should come out of the account he uses for business expenses. This would include his flight, accommodation, rental car, conference fees, and his food. These are his business expenses.
-Additional expenses added on only because you came should come from your joint account. Your flight, any per guest hotel supplementary fees, entertainment you go out on together or alone, your food (or half your joint meals), etc. These are joint vacation expenses.
-Assuming these are your children together, childcare costs should come from the joint account, with him taking point on making arrangements since he proposed the trip.

You should be paying into joint expenses/accounts proportionally to your income - so each putting in 60% of what you make, for example.

Bigger picture, this does not seem like a healthy, content partnership financially. It sounds like there’s an underlying feeling of unfairness & inequality on your end that should be addressed more directly.

It sounds like this isn't really about the trip but about the fact that your financial setup isn't working for you.

If you're married the fairest thing is for you to each pay all your income into the joint account and then transfer out an equal amount to each of your personal accounts for personal spending. That way neither one of you has more disposable income than the other.

Could you suggest this to your husband?

Ah ok I get it.

I agree with you OP. He should pay for flight, car, accommodation out of his own account, as he was planning to. Any additional expenses that occur because you are coming should be either from your account if only you benefit and from the joint account if you both do.

So your plane ticket- your expense
Dinners out together- joint account.

I'm surprised you find this hard to discuss with him. You must have had so many conversations about money before given your family structure?

The children being cared for- are they yours alone?

Just raise it with him that you think this trip is primarily a business expense. You're just tagging along. It's not like it's a romantic holiday that you've planned together. If you don't benefit financially from the success of his business then you shouldn't be subsidising it.