To expect husband to contribute more to the trip

[Anuta77]

We rarely go on vacation because we have a lot of expenses.
DH needs to go to a professional conference in an interesting city in another country. He has to pay the conference fees (he needs to go to get points to stay in his professional organization), and obviously accomodation, car rental, etc.
He suggested that I go with him, so we have a vacation without the kids.
Im totally fine with paying for my plane ticket and half for car rental and accomodation, however I realize that by coming with him, hes saving compared to going alone and he will be able to write down these expenses in his tax report. Not me.
Somewhere deep down, I feel that he could contribute more to this so called vacation. It isnt really a convenient moment for me, its not my first choice for a destination and I have to make arrangements for the kids which is really stressful for me.
AIBU?

At right. I understand.

He should be covering the expenses he would have covered anyway. If he would have rented a car, he should cover that cost anyway. If he wouldn’t have rented a car if it was just him it should come out of joint.

Is the accusation costs exactly the same if you go?

When you say he earns ‘somewhat’ more, that’s a bit vague. Is it a lot more? And after he pays CMS is there a difference?

I understand now! In my view, he should pay what he’d have had to pay anyway from his account and your bit out of the joint account

Yes, its hard to discuss, it always ends up in an argument.
One child is mine, another is joint.
I guess I am too desperate to go on any vacation and I can pay my part, but Im just sad that he can never propose to put more than me, especially in this case where he needs to go anyway and me coming helps him financially.

Is he self employed? Or will his work expenses be reimbursed?

If they come out of joint account and then get reimbursed into the joint account then it doesn’t matter does it? It’s just cash flow. If not then he needs to pay whatever he would have paid for with out you there from his personal account, and then your additional bits from your personal account.

I am often on work trips when my meals are covered and take my DP out with me when I am there (think regional city and London, he splits his time between our city and London). I would pay for dinner and then claim my half (I would be treating him), sometimes we split the bill and sometimes he pays (him treating me) and then gives me the receipt and I claim my half. All comes out in wash and we don’t account to the penny. We have a joint account too but meals out aren’t something we pay out from there.

So you don't know if he asked you to come just in order to be able to use the joint account.. is he normally stingy? This would make me not want to go as I don't know if it's my company he wants or just the cost reduction. Tell him you want to plan something for both of you when it's more convenient for you to leave and to a destination you would really like to visit. I mean, if you need to be frugal after a holiday atleast make sure you enjoy it!
Another thing: if your DS was abandonned by his father how come your partner has not adopted him if he's young. It would make sense and your DS wouldn't feel different from your other DC.. just a thought..

but Im just sad that he can never propose to put more than me, especially in this case where he needs to go anyway and me coming helps him financially.

Does it really help him financially though? Before he paid for the hotel and car rental with joint money, which then was a tax deductible expense or covered by his employer it’s not really clear.
Now your plane ticket and meals, attractions etc to make it a holiday and etc are all coming from the joint account on top of his expenses coming from the joint so it sounds similar to if he was paying for just himself.

If she wasn't coming he'd have paid for it from his personal account.

Now she's coming, he's decided to treat it as a joint expense, so he's effectively getting a 50% discount on everything - PLUS he will presumably be tax deducting the entirety giving him a further financial benefit.

He's very miserly if he hasn't suggested treating her in some way IMO.

But all the additional expenses of OP coming and making it a holiday will be shared on
top … so counteracting any “saving” he is making surely?

Op don’t go then.

@Coffeerum

He'd be paying 100% himself if paying from his own account.

Hes now decided he's using the joint account. The joint account is funded by them both equally- so using those funds it provides him with a 50% subsidy for expenses that are unchanged by her coming - ie his plane ticket, car transportation and the hotel room.

It makes the trip much more cost effective for him.

Don't go.. use what you might have otherwise paid for the trip, for you and the kids, even if for a movie and popcorn... do things that make you happy... It doesn't sound like you want to go.. and I agree that organising childcare can be a pain when you might be perfectly happy to spend that time with your children.

Let the miserly man go by himself and pay 100% of his costs 🤦🏾‍♀️.

Use the money that would cover your flights and food to treat yourself to an experience you can do by yourself.

Would you even really enjoy this while seething at the stinginess...

But then on top of that is OP’s plane ticket which is a shared cost, as would the meals, any attractions, if they are staying for longer etc. The suggestion by him to turn it into a vacation together surely carries much more costs than a basic work trip for a conference for just himself? Room
service for one is a lot cheaper than a nice 3 course date night out for 2. So it’s not like he’s making a profit on OP’s attendance.

It’s a no then. Don’t go. ‘I’ll happily go if the business is paying, but our joint funds are limited and thats not a location I want to put funds to visiting. I really really want a holiday, but not particularly there just because it’s convenient for you.’

Can you take some time off on your own op? Without the stingy fucker, it sounds like you need it.

I know its not just for the money, he wants my company, but he also wants the price reduction. Yes, hes not known to be generous, but its not to the point of ridiculous. I think he really thinks that its fine to put everything as joint expenses and he doesnt feel the need to treat me (with money), other than for my birthday or mothers day.
He has his own 3 children and again, hes not the warmest man in the world and my son was/is very shy, so the adoption question never occured to anyone.

No, if both plane tickets come from the joint account where we both put 50-50, its the same thing as if each of us paid from our personal account. So at the end, its equivalent to everyone paying for himself, but if I didnt come everything would have been paid from his personal account.

Hahaha, a 3 course date nights out LOL. Im laughing because it doesnt occur to him and in reality its sad.
Of course, if hes alone he would eat whatever and with me, it would be nicer, but it would be shared and that is normal (for me). He is still getting a price reduction for accomodation and car rental and in reality, its about offering to treat me at least for something.

He's not generous towards you with money. That's very hurtful and disappointing.

You can only control yourself though, you can't make him something he isn't.

It's primarily a work trip, you didn't choose the destination and presumably he'll be occupied during the day with his conference or training for a significant part of it.

I'd say to him that you think it would be more appropriate for the expenses to come from his personal/business account. You're happy to pay for your own flight from your account and then split meals etc with him. Because you're tagging along on a work trip, not planning a vacation of your choosing. Plus the tax thing is a bit of double dipping.

Does he have a lot of good qualities?

You should be able to talk about money without arguing, that's not a good state of affairs

So not only will you be paying 50% he'll be claiming tax deductions from his half. Everything that's tax deductible should come from his personal / business account and you can pay for flights and extra food etc. Otherwise let him go alone. He sounds very mean.

Why can he not just pay for all the things he'd have to pay for if he was going alone and you pay for your flight?

I don't see why you should be subsidising his work trip.

I'm guessing he'll tax deduct the entirety of the hotel etc. the receipts will just have the total on it.

So he'll be getting a tax benefit on money she paid.

Bloody hell, good point!

All these posts about penny pinching are so shocking. Im speechless , these people are in MARRIAGES......Will you also be having meals on the trip ????? Im soooooooo confused!!!!!!!!!! Will you be having ' Afters ?'....... Some people dont have any self worth. Ive had more input from casual friendships. And as a Married woman with family I NEVER PAID A PENNY towards anything financially. Mind I did everything in the house and even had granted allowance.

I think )accountant)
He pays his flight and accommodation
You pay your flight
Then you share food /going out
Only changes if actually the hotel he'd book on his own is bargain bucket cheap and with you it will actually be a different nicer place.