To think I’ve no hope of making anything of my life?

[Onthescrapheap81]

Name changed as I’m sure I’ll be pretty recognisable IRL from this.

I’m 43, my life history is this - various office jobs from 18-22, then I had my eldest DC. Split from father of child when she was a baby so I was going it alone, a few part time jobs here and there (office/shop work), and then I started a business which was moderately successful, enough to live off anyway.

Then in my late twenties I met the father of my 2nd DC, he turned out to have anti social personality disorder (a psychopath in other words), and made my life a living hell, lots of abuse and I ended up being moved for mine and DC’s safety. The next few years are a bit of a blur, I was fighting in family court to keep DC2’s dad away for 2.5 years, which I successfully did, as well as mentally trying to process what I went through as well as being on my own now with two DC, and very much still in danger from my ex. I’d folded my first business in the midst of all that but started another one 12 years ago, which is more of a side hustle than a meaningful business, it still brings in a bit of money but it’s pocket money really rather than something I could live off. That’s still going now but it’s mostly selling old stock I’ve had for years.

I completed a degree (social sciences) in 2017, and got a 1st, but during that time my eldest was diagnosed with ASD and was really struggling with school, lots of refusing, and ended up being out of school for 1.5 years while I got an EHCP sorted. So my plan of trying to get a ‘proper job’ never happened, especially as then my youngest (who has never been easy full stop) was also diagnosed with ASD in 2019 and started having difficulties with school too.

My health started to take a turn for the worse during my degree, what I’d been through started catching up with me and the stress of living in fear for so many years (still am) as well as managing the DC and life in general single handedly, and I think my nervous system basically collapsed and I got CFS, on top of PTSD. So that’s made life more of a struggle. I was doing odds and ends part time to bring money in (farm work, housekeeping etc) until a year or so ago when I had to stop for my health.

So current situation is - I’m not working (other than my business which brings a few quid in every week), DC1 is 20 and living at home
and needs a LOT of support, DC2 is 14 and hasn’t attended school for 2 years, currently doing round 2 of the battle to get an EHCP, so again needs lots of input in lots of ways from me. My health is shit. We’re just about managing financially at the moment because of UC/PIP/DLA but I’m thinking to my future when hopefully at some point the DC will have some kind of independence, and I really need to be able to support myself. Life has been just getting through each day for so long, but I’m terrified for the next x years of my life - I don’t have much meaningful work experience, no pension, I’m fucked aren’t I?

I would I think be able to do some kind of work or training for work as long as it wasn’t full time and it was pretty flexible (I don’t know when my health will take a turn for the worse and I’ll be stuck in bed for weeks, or when I’ll feel a bit better and can do things). But that rules most things out. I realise my life has been a shitshow (mostly of my own making),
but have I left it too late to at least attempt to make anything of it? Any suggestions gratefully received.

I will not be much help but you are frigging AMAZING!! The business, the degree, the things you’ve come through?! If anyone can figure something out it’s you x

Good grief woman, what you’ve achieved is amazing! You’ve conquered so much rubbish and got a great degree to boot!

You can work this out!

I don’t know if this would be helpful in your particular situation or not but a lot of autistic behaviours can be perceived are abusive or narcissistic. And autism is genetic so your children have either got it from you or their dads, their dads may also have high support needs. There isn’t regulation for what you spend pip and dla on but they are for the extra costs associated with their disability, not really to pay the basic costs that you should be Really be converting yourself as a parent. But it would be hard to work if you’ve got mental health issues after what you went through and trying to bring up disabled children. Just try to prioritise your mental wellbeing each day start with small habits

@Onthescrapheap81

What everyone seems to have said.

If you just look again at what you have achieved, despite all the things you've endured/are enduring then you are one strong person.

It is never, ever too late, and with the strength of will it looks like you possess, then I think you'll make it.

Hopefully, you'll get some more meaningful advice from posters soon, just wanted to say how great you seem.

Good luck.

It’s not too late at all.
Look at what you’ve achieved while being dealt a rough hand! Businesses, a degree, raising two boys with extra needs. You just need that belief you already have and that next wave of energy. What did you do your degree in? Is there a way of taking that forward? There’s loads of possibilities. Make a map of them. Which direction do you want to take?
I know health can be limiting, but where doable, start sending applications - it’s where the possibilities begin. Back yourself again. Good luck!

That’s very kind of you to say, I’m definitely what you’d call a problem solver 🤣, but unfortunately when it comes to jobs it’s difficult to get any of this across without it sounding like a huge pity party. Application forms want to see experience of the workplace, not how I’ve navigated through a nightmare. I’m still very much at the coal face of it in terms of the DC but equally having visions of me eating out of bins as a pensioner (if I make it that far).

Yes to what @stayathomer said. When I was reading your post, I was wondering how on earth you set up businesses and completed a degree with so much going on in your life. I was also really struck by your courage and resilience and hard work to keep your DC safe from your ex. Also battling for an EHCP and supporting your kids when school has been too much. Blimey!!
Have you had any support for PTSD/CFS? Given what you’ve been through it makes sense that your body is on high alert for danger; like you say that has an impact which will affect your capacity to work, so if there is anything that you can do (be it therapy/massage/acupuncture, whatever works for you) to calm your nervous system, I think that would also be really important.

Onthescrapheap81
maybe try to forget that any pity could be involved and look at your competancies- try to tap back into your business way of thinking! You are kickass! Best of luck X

I would say that “making something of yourself” doesn’t ultimately need to be job related. You have cared for your kids under difficult conditions and that is a fantastic achievement.

Your life isn’t a shit show as you have 2 kids that love you.

Regarding work, once your kids are on their feet, you could look at working in fields related to what you’ve done for your kids, as you degree is related and you are good at it.

Thanks all, you’ve literally brought a tear to my eye.

To answer a few things, I know ASD is genetic and with the DC having different dads, I’m the common denominator here and I’ve learnt through having autistic DC that I am also very much on the spectrum. So that’s another thing, I get peopled out very easily and being stuck in one place with the same people is a challenging prospect. I also have a real lack of confidence in myself, maybe that’s ASD or what I’ve been through in terms of abuse or a combination, but I have real imposter syndrome.

Degree is in social sciences - I did a bit of private A Level tutoring after I graduated for a few years but I feel like I’ve forgotten too much now to do that.

I know I need to do something to repair my nervous system, but I don’t know what, and I don’t have any spare cash to throw around really.

I just feel completely left behind in life, and lost at sea.

@Montydone I’ve had a lot of counselling over the years, CBT and am currently under the CFS clinic. I feel like I’ve processed what happened but it’s been a LOT, for a lot of years, and it’s taken its toll on me. And also until my ex dies I’ll always be in danger, that’s not in my head (he’s been in my house in the middle of the night, still hacks into my stuff online etc). He is a psychopath, he won’t forgive or forget.

You could see if you can get a referral for talking therapies on the NHS, may be rather a long wait but could be something in the pipeline.
What about some yoga on YouTube to help your body (yoga with Adriene is good) and there are also some free mindfulness apps, I like ‘Smiling mind’. Anything which gives your body a bit of a rest. Also if there is anyone in your life who could keep an eye on the kids for you so you can have a walk or a long bath with candles, whatever works for you.

Sorry posted before reading this one - good to hear that you’ve had support and I’m so sorry that you continue to be threatened by your ex.

How do you know he's a psychopath?

I don't think it's ever too late. It's really hard to plan when you are in crisis mode though. All your energy is directed into putting out all the little fires that keep on cropping up. If you can you need to mentally step back and see if there is any way to get ahead of things.Then you can plan for the future.

It was determined by psychiatric assessments ordered by the family court that he has antisocial or dissocial personality disorder. It stacks up, trust me on that.

Civil service is a very good employer.

1. Competency/success outcomes on application form and you can can use real life rather than work examples
2. Great support with workplace adjustments, sick pay, etc.
3. Lots of interesting jobs and easy to move around
4. Best pension out there

You're awesome - don't lose sight of that.

I just wanted to say that this situation is definitely not of your own making OP. You have heroically put your childrens' needs before your own - and obviously fought like a tiger to keep them safe- and that needs acknowledging. Don't ever let anyone undermine your achievement.

I'm just sorry that it's been at such great personal cost for you.

I completed a degree (social sciences) in 2017, and got a 1st

On top of everything?! As you are clearly brilliant, might you consider using your very fine brain to study for a Master’s degree? Part time. You would need to navigate the UC / loan situation but a Government Postgraduate Loan would cover your fees. That way, by the time you’re in a position to work again you’ll have a fresh new qualification, new contacts and revived confidence to re-launch yourself.

Government Postgraduate Loan

You already ARE making something of your life.
You are living your life with courage, determination, strength, resilience and, most of all, love. It's not the life you would have chosen but you are giving it what you've got. Everything you have achieved is more valuable because you have struggled for it. Every daily task - cleaning the bog, making some tea etc should be seen as an act of love- for yourself or for your DCs. Your life already has meaning. You've just got to see it.

I'm trying to tell myself this too.... Our lives have some similarities. My DH committed suicide when my DC were young. I've brought them up alone. DC22 has serious mental health issues. I haven't been able to work for 6 years. They just took their PIP away( he only got the mobility element)...and my pension is dire. DC2 turns 18 soon so I will lose child benefit etc too.
10 years til pension. I need to get out and bring in some money. But am traumatised by years of DC's psychosis/ self harm/ multiple suicide attempts and have no up to date skills/ experience/ referees.

It’s never too late to change things. I keep telling myself that one day I’ll be all the things I want to be but for now my job is to get my babies to adulthood safely and happily and I can focus on finding the life I want afterwards.

you sound like you’ve overcome so much that this will be one more thing to figure out but you’ll definitely do it ❤️

Maybe think about coding? 42 runs free peer taught coding courses. 42 are worldwide. There is a 42 London, but it's online so you wouldn't have to live there.

There may be another 42 closer to where you live.

Further to this, you could also have a look at Code First Girls who offer free tech training to women wanting to get into tech.

Forgot to direct you to this board, @Onthescrapheap81:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/mature_students

which you may find offers some inspiration or ideas.

Hiya I think you have done amazingly! Change the record. You bought up 2 DC and got a degree. It sounds like you need to spend the next 6 years focused on the DC and getting them set up in life and then turn your attention to earning more for a while to set yourself up. About 10 years at good earning and careful saving and investing and you will be fine. I can't stress enough- forget your age. Focus on health.

With a social science degree I would look at the statistics route maybe - data analyst type roles will be an area that is around for a while with lots of flexibility to WFH I should imagine.