To think I’ve no hope of making anything of my life?

[Onthescrapheap81]

Name changed as I’m sure I’ll be pretty recognisable IRL from this.

I’m 43, my life history is this - various office jobs from 18-22, then I had my eldest DC. Split from father of child when she was a baby so I was going it alone, a few part time jobs here and there (office/shop work), and then I started a business which was moderately successful, enough to live off anyway.

Then in my late twenties I met the father of my 2nd DC, he turned out to have anti social personality disorder (a psychopath in other words), and made my life a living hell, lots of abuse and I ended up being moved for mine and DC’s safety. The next few years are a bit of a blur, I was fighting in family court to keep DC2’s dad away for 2.5 years, which I successfully did, as well as mentally trying to process what I went through as well as being on my own now with two DC, and very much still in danger from my ex. I’d folded my first business in the midst of all that but started another one 12 years ago, which is more of a side hustle than a meaningful business, it still brings in a bit of money but it’s pocket money really rather than something I could live off. That’s still going now but it’s mostly selling old stock I’ve had for years.

I completed a degree (social sciences) in 2017, and got a 1st, but during that time my eldest was diagnosed with ASD and was really struggling with school, lots of refusing, and ended up being out of school for 1.5 years while I got an EHCP sorted. So my plan of trying to get a ‘proper job’ never happened, especially as then my youngest (who has never been easy full stop) was also diagnosed with ASD in 2019 and started having difficulties with school too.

My health started to take a turn for the worse during my degree, what I’d been through started catching up with me and the stress of living in fear for so many years (still am) as well as managing the DC and life in general single handedly, and I think my nervous system basically collapsed and I got CFS, on top of PTSD. So that’s made life more of a struggle. I was doing odds and ends part time to bring money in (farm work, housekeeping etc) until a year or so ago when I had to stop for my health.

So current situation is - I’m not working (other than my business which brings a few quid in every week), DC1 is 20 and living at home
and needs a LOT of support, DC2 is 14 and hasn’t attended school for 2 years, currently doing round 2 of the battle to get an EHCP, so again needs lots of input in lots of ways from me. My health is shit. We’re just about managing financially at the moment because of UC/PIP/DLA but I’m thinking to my future when hopefully at some point the DC will have some kind of independence, and I really need to be able to support myself. Life has been just getting through each day for so long, but I’m terrified for the next x years of my life - I don’t have much meaningful work experience, no pension, I’m fucked aren’t I?

I would I think be able to do some kind of work or training for work as long as it wasn’t full time and it was pretty flexible (I don’t know when my health will take a turn for the worse and I’ll be stuck in bed for weeks, or when I’ll feel a bit better and can do things). But that rules most things out. I realise my life has been a shitshow (mostly of my own making),
but have I left it too late to at least attempt to make anything of it? Any suggestions gratefully received.

This is why society/the government needs to urgently recognise the human and economic cost of domestic abuse. It's not just about the abuse and the pitiful response of the criminal injustice system.

It's that women & kids are left traumatised for life with ongoing trauma that makes everything so difficult.

And this isn't just about seeing people as workers it's about the torment and anguish and unnecessary suffering.

Lock up these evil men and keep them inside!

I’m not sure childcare is for me, I enjoyed working with vulnerable kids last year but by and large I’m not one of those women who just loves being around kids. Even my own are a challenge 🤣.

That’s good to hear, yes I am going to write a letter this afternoon and gussy my CV up. Another one hoping for a lottery win, you’ve just reminded me I had a dream last night that I won £37k and I was so sad when I woke up and realised it wasn’t true 🤣.

Would also probably help if I PLAYED the lottery…

You are the hero of your life and your DC
Pat yourself on the back
Breathe and explore different options you have many decades to come

It’s very true and the thing I’m most pissed off about, is that in the end he won. How different life would have been if I’d never met him. The toll it’s taken on my mental and physical health is immense…although according to PIP there’s nothing wrong with me 🤔

@Onthescrapheap81 will you let us know when you get something? I genuinely wish you the best of luck you seem so strong and capable, anyone would be lucky to have you!

I promise I will. I do have a business idea with a friend that we are thinking of starting next year (she’s not in a position to do it before then). But will keep looking and applying for things in the meantime.

Your local authority is likely to have employment schemes to help people in situations like yours to get back into the workforce. Some of these schemes are very good, and will provide money for courses with qualifications, equipment for those starting up their own businesses etc, you will get a mentor to give you support and advice, as well as help to get into other support you may need.

These schemes tend to last a few years each and then a new one is set up. So even if there is not a scheme now that suits you, there may be one soon.

Lol. Funnily enough, I don't either. But I really must start!

And as a double whammy not only was I 37k down when I woke up, I was also sharing the bed with a dead bird that the dog had placed there (killed by the cats - they have a system).

Just checking in as I promised I would. No exciting updates I’m afraid. I didn’t end up applying for that job that sounded really good, as I only had a few days before the closing date and I got the most horrendous D&V virus of my life on top of the chest infection/cold bug I’d already had for weeks and I just couldn’t do anything other than lie in bed (when I wasn’t in the bathroom).

I saw another job advertised (again, last minute, in fact the closing date had passed but I emailed them and they said to apply before Monday, and that was Friday). So I spent hours doing the lengthy form and heard nothing back…and I guess I won’t as they said they would be interviewing this week.

I even applied for some temporary work with an agency that I worked for last year, doing a few days work in September, the same thing that I did last year and hated every minute of but that’s where I’ve got to financially. And didn’t hear anything back, even though they texted me asking to apply (a personalised text, not a generic to everyone one). So even a zero skills agency job doesn’t want me.

So feeling a bit meh again, it’s so hard to find jobs that fit in with the fact that I physically can’t do much because of my CFS, and it’s like I don’t want to apply for things because if I get knocked back it reinforces that I’m worth nothing. I’ve also been in a lot of pain for the last week because my back has completely gone, so haven’t been able to sleep much through the pain which makes my CFS worse and I think argh what’s the point of even trying. It’s such a struggle just to get to a basic level of functioning.

I finally started my talking therapies appointments which I only waited 288 days for 🤣, so it’s lucky I’m not of the offing myself disposition. Only had 2 appointments but it’s been quite interesting, she reminded me of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and I realised I’m not even meeting my basic needs, sleep and eating properly (both are really difficult because of my CFS), so I’m unlikely to progress much higher in life until those things are sorted. She’s telling me it doesn’t matter about work and I am doing a good job in being a mum/carer and that that’s important…maybe so but that doesn’t pay the bills sadly.

Meanwhile it seems like there’s something every day that I have to do and none of it is fun, PIP appeal, EHCP stuff for dd, doctors appointments, back clinic, counselling, CFS clinic etc etc. This is what I mean about how it would be hard to fit a job in, bearing in mind I have to also rest A LOT, but my self worth and my finances are in the gutter ATM.

To me, it sounds like you’ve achieved incredible things. You’ve started two successful businesses, you’ve saved yourself and your children from an abusive situation, you’ve raised your children, you’ve obtained a degree. You’re incredible! I don’t know what your next steps are but someone as resourceful and tenacious as you will find your way, I am sure of it.

Can I just say @Onthescrapheap81 you sound bloody amazing. You've not been dealt the best of cards, but your attitude is amazing - quite inspirational. It may be hard to see yourself, it often is when looking at your own achievements, but you are doing & have done amazing things. One thing that stood out to me, is that although you are doing everything you can to support your children, you also have an amazing drive to push yourself forward & be successful for you. I really admire that, I feel that same but it's damn hard when you feel knocked back by life, keep going!!
Hope the talking therapy helps, last year I had a bit of a breakdown & had some great therapy with an amazing counsellor & it helped so much. I found it so interesting & he was able to help me see things & understand myself in a way that many others have failed to. Good luck!

Dear god OP. You are bloody amazing 🙌🏻
You keep being knocked down but you still keep going.

You are a legend 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻

Not an overly helpful reply sorry but wanted to acknowledge how you've managed to triumph.
xxx

Rethink tutoring. You have experience so presumably some teaching skills. Look at school syllabuses and your best subjects - primary or early secondary maths or English, or 11+ maybe. So much easier energy-wise if you WFH. And if your health takes a nosedive one day you can cancel a class.

Concentrate on your health, get tgat sorted and the rest will follow. You've been amazing. Good luck.

Updating as promised. Nothing very exciting I’m afraid. However, things are moving in the right direction. Had 8 weeks NHS talking therapies with an amazing counsellor and I’m feeling so much more positive about things. She reminded me of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs (which I studied both at college and uni so should have thought to apply to my own life!), and I realised that the first thing I needed to do was sort my sleeping out. It’s something that is really hard with CFS and with chronic pain. Anyway, I’ve been seeing a great osteopath who has really helped with the pain, and also been taking magnesium before bed, and my sleep is so much better which has made a massive improvement in terms of what I feel able to do.

I’ve applied for a couple of jobs, first one was a straight thanks but no thanks, and the second one I got a nice email saying I’d made it through to the top 50 out of hundreds of applicants, but unfortunately hadn’t been selected for interview. They were both part-time, remote jobs, which is what I’ve settled on doing. I definitely couldn’t manage full time, at the moment, and remote working would be ideal as the energy it takes for me to get out of the house and get somewhere is substantial, so if I could cut that bit out, life would be a lot easier.

I know my CV is a bit all over the place due to the last 20 or so years of doing part time work (mostly self employed), as and when I can, in amongst firefighting a series of personal life disasters. Does anyone know of anywhere that would look over my CV and help me improve the way it’s written?

One thing that came out of counselling is that I really want to work. I think before it was a general panic that in a few years I’m going to be financially screwed if I don’t, but now I’ve realised that I want to feel valued, I want to use my brain, I don’t want to rely on benefits, even if it means I’ll end up with the same or less money than I get now, I NEED to work.

You are amazing OP!!! It's heartbreaking what you have been through so be kind and patient with yourself. 💗

So glad that the counselling was positive. Keep going with the job hunt, I've applied for jobs in the past where they've not even replied to say no, so although they've not taken you in, you impressed enough for them to convey the message. Keep doing things for you, you can't fill from an empty well.

Thank you, I guess my worry is that for these kinds of jobs the competition is fierce so they’re unlikely to choose someone who doesn’t have any recent office work experience. Maybe I can get something seasonal or maternity cover just to get some experience. I’ve been referred through talking therapies for the employment support service, I don’t really know what that entails yet.