To think I’ve no hope of making anything of my life?

[Onthescrapheap81]

Name changed as I’m sure I’ll be pretty recognisable IRL from this.

I’m 43, my life history is this - various office jobs from 18-22, then I had my eldest DC. Split from father of child when she was a baby so I was going it alone, a few part time jobs here and there (office/shop work), and then I started a business which was moderately successful, enough to live off anyway.

Then in my late twenties I met the father of my 2nd DC, he turned out to have anti social personality disorder (a psychopath in other words), and made my life a living hell, lots of abuse and I ended up being moved for mine and DC’s safety. The next few years are a bit of a blur, I was fighting in family court to keep DC2’s dad away for 2.5 years, which I successfully did, as well as mentally trying to process what I went through as well as being on my own now with two DC, and very much still in danger from my ex. I’d folded my first business in the midst of all that but started another one 12 years ago, which is more of a side hustle than a meaningful business, it still brings in a bit of money but it’s pocket money really rather than something I could live off. That’s still going now but it’s mostly selling old stock I’ve had for years.

I completed a degree (social sciences) in 2017, and got a 1st, but during that time my eldest was diagnosed with ASD and was really struggling with school, lots of refusing, and ended up being out of school for 1.5 years while I got an EHCP sorted. So my plan of trying to get a ‘proper job’ never happened, especially as then my youngest (who has never been easy full stop) was also diagnosed with ASD in 2019 and started having difficulties with school too.

My health started to take a turn for the worse during my degree, what I’d been through started catching up with me and the stress of living in fear for so many years (still am) as well as managing the DC and life in general single handedly, and I think my nervous system basically collapsed and I got CFS, on top of PTSD. So that’s made life more of a struggle. I was doing odds and ends part time to bring money in (farm work, housekeeping etc) until a year or so ago when I had to stop for my health.

So current situation is - I’m not working (other than my business which brings a few quid in every week), DC1 is 20 and living at home
and needs a LOT of support, DC2 is 14 and hasn’t attended school for 2 years, currently doing round 2 of the battle to get an EHCP, so again needs lots of input in lots of ways from me. My health is shit. We’re just about managing financially at the moment because of UC/PIP/DLA but I’m thinking to my future when hopefully at some point the DC will have some kind of independence, and I really need to be able to support myself. Life has been just getting through each day for so long, but I’m terrified for the next x years of my life - I don’t have much meaningful work experience, no pension, I’m fucked aren’t I?

I would I think be able to do some kind of work or training for work as long as it wasn’t full time and it was pretty flexible (I don’t know when my health will take a turn for the worse and I’ll be stuck in bed for weeks, or when I’ll feel a bit better and can do things). But that rules most things out. I realise my life has been a shitshow (mostly of my own making),
but have I left it too late to at least attempt to make anything of it? Any suggestions gratefully received.

I did think about doing a masters but I don’t know if it would be affordable now, when I did my BSc I was on legacy benefits, so it was manageable. But I know UC doesn’t have much truck with people studying, although I am on LCWRA so they’re not expecting me
to work. I think the only way I could justify the time/expense of it is I was doing something which would definitely lead to some kind of professional career, I love studying but I think there would have to be a definite end goal rather than just be more qualified to only be able to get entry level jobs.

Yes that’s the kind of work I’m drawn to, I did work for a few months last year supporting vulnerable kids, but then my health took a nose dive. I was studying to be a SW for the first year of my degree, but then my eldest started school refusing a lot and it became clear I wouldn’t be able to commit to the long placements in the second year. I think I’ve kind of talked myself out of SW now though, it’s an incredibly stressful job and stress is the worst possible thing for my CFS, I don’t think I’d last long.

I was definitely thinking you should do something that would lead to some kind of professional career, @Onthescrapheap81.

So sorry to hear that, yes we are in quite similar boats here. Do you have any ideas for what you might do?

No but I'm thinking about it.... I don't feel I have control or agency over my life because it depends do much on DC22's condition.
Also, the way I have got through the past few years of crisis has been to live in the present, literally from minute to minute, hour to hour. At best, day to day.
This strategy has served me well... and now I need to look to the future and try and plan/ organise a new life. And I'm frozen in this state of emergency.

I've had counselling. But I can't seem to translate vague ideas into action...

Thank you, I’ll definitely look at that. That’s the kind of thing that would work best for me with a fluctuating health condition, something I can do as and when I have the energy rather than set hours.

Honestly, I know exactly how you feel. I can completely relate to every word. We need to form a support group of two 😂

The question is what…when I looked at MSc courses I couldn’t find any that I was eligible to do with the degree I have that would lead to a professional qualification. I’m also a bit limited in terms of distance, it would be very tricky to relocate. I looked at OU but again couldn’t see anything that would be worth me doing, or that I had the right qualifications for.

Wow! You have achieved a lot. Good news is, your kids are growing/grown up and even if they will still need some input for a few more years you can now have the opportunity to shift some focus back to yourself. You have had these two businesses so your CV shouldn't be empty, can you find employment in line with what you are already doing and maybe combine it with something relating to your degree if they can cross over at all? You have probably 25 years or so until you reach retirement, you really can turn this around.

What about a policy type role in health/social services or similar if that’s what you’re interested in? More likely to be able to find WFH/hybrid working which may help with your health/for childcare. Have a look at civil service roles or similar? Civil service has a good pension and if you started paying in now you’d ease off some of that worry. You’ve got loads of experience and a great degree so I’m sure you’ll find something. And you’re still young! You’ve got maybe 25 working years ahead of you, loads of time to build a new career.

The civil service has a scheme for carers called GFiE (Going Forward in Employment) - https://gfie.blog.gov.uk/2022/07/05/a-complete-guide-to-gfie-carers/

I don’t know if I’ve missed it but have you said what your own business is? I just do wonder if being self employed might be your calling (and sounds like you can do pretty much anything!) as you are so self motivated. I wonder if being employed, with all the workplace stresses and politics (even wfh) might just drive you up the wall 🤣. (But any employer should be thrilled to have you.)

Wow, that looks very interesting, thank you, I’ll drop them an email.

My current business is (this will completely out me to anyone who didn’t already recognise me but hey ho 🤣) - I sell rare books online on eBay and Amazon. I buy them at auctions in bulk to sell on.

Op I don't know if you've ruled this out, but you'd be an asset as an early help worker, pastoral lead in a school, or family support worker. The latter is what most people think social work would be - running parenting courses, direct work with children and families, applications to charities for grants etc. Local authorities are usually very open to job share if you needed part time hours, they are also usually good at honouring disability/accessibility policies. They absolutely do take into account experience as a carer, and your experience of parenting children with SEN would go a long way.

@Onthescrapheap81 I did not expect you to say that…sounds absolutely fascinating! Would it be something you’d want to expand? Books have become a huge deal on social media (book tok!), and you do sound very entrepreneurial. I must admit I’m quite jealous of that as a business😊.

@Onthescrapheap81 - we must form that support group...
Interested you're a bibliophile...I'm an academic librarian by trade.

Thank you so much for starting this thread @Onthescrapheap81
I am in a very similar boat and also a book lover!
🌷🌷🌷🌷

The only thing any of us need to make of our lives are the opportunities to find joy for ourselves and to have a positive impact on others. These things can be achieved in countless small every day ways that don't require a Big Job or a lot of money. If you can achieve in a career and accrue wealth and if makes you happy, that's great. But if you can't, and millions of us can't, through no fault of our own, you have to reframe your idea of what a good life looks like. Do the best you can with what you have and play the hand you've been dealt the best you can, and you will have made the best of your unique life.

I do enjoy it, but I don’t really have room in my house to expand it much more (all books are currently in the loft and it’s pretty full up there!). And renting storage isn’t as easy as it sounds, the books need to be kept in a dry, warm environment otherwise they get ruined, as I found out when I rented a garage for a while to keep extra stock in. It’s also great in the sense that I’ll get an email and find I’ve suddenly sold a book for £60 or whatever, but the trouble is the kind of books that are worth money are generally pretty niche. I could have an academic journal on some random insect found in Ethiopia written in 1954 listed for years, than bam, someone buys it. So you can’t really predict when the money will come in, so I wouldn’t want to rely on it as my only income.

Support group of 3 then, @Timebox and @CarerNC. If either of you are brave enough to share your details to form a WhatsApp or messenger group, PM me. I totally understand if not though.

Well today I looked at the civil service jobs site and I won’t lie, it kind of gave me The Fear. Not sure how easily I’d fit into that kind of environment after being self employed for so long. Also, there’s not many opportunities near me (I wrote my dissertation on how difficult it is for single parents to find employment in rural areas, and I was reminded of that today).

But I have seen a really interesting job advertised, 15 hrs per week WFH, supporting parents stuck in abusive situations. I seem to fit the bill in terms of the person specification. The money isn’t great but it would be a start and that number of hours would probably be about what I could manage at the moment.

Oh I’m completely with you there - what’s the saying…some people are so poor, all they have is money. I am grateful every day that my life isn’t the hell it was a decade ago, and that I have a secure place to live, my children are healthy and turning into lovely young adults, I have great friends and a lovely BF (who doesn’t live with me).

Maybe in the future me and my bf will live together, when the kids are sorted in their own lives, he’s just bought a house near me, and he earns really good money, but I’ve never been reliant on a man to support me and I don’t want to have that as a plan, because anything could happen. I need to stand on my own two feet, if there’s anything I’ve learned in life it’s that the only person you can depend on is yourself.

It's not for everyone but i started work in childcare in my 40s. I'm not in UK so don't know the qualifications. Where I am a short conversion course was enough as I had a degree. You'd be amazed what you already know raising a child with additional needs. Its one job where people see being a mother as relevant to work experience! What's funny is no one ever asks about what I did before, I'm much more likely to be asked about my experience with my 2 DS (also autistic). I work term time only and finish before school end so zero childcare costs.

Definitely go for the job supporting parents OP. I've spent my whole career in the third sector supporting vulnerable women. What I lack in wealth, I make up for in job satisfaction and knowing I make a difference. I never think I've made nothing of my life even though I'm far from rich and my pension plans involve hoping for a lottery win!

I read your post and immediately thought “support work”.

I worked in supported accommodation services for children in care for many years before starting my SW degree, would something like that work? It can be very flexible.

Women’s Aid, refuge support workers, family support work…there’s loads out there.

Have a look on indeed and see if anything takes your fancy? Life experience is the most valued attribute in those sort of roles, your degree will make you extra special though.

Good luck OP, you really are amazing x