Suddenly Invisible

[user1490442269]

I'm having a hard time realising I'm becoming less visible to the opposite sex. I'm 42 and I have become aware of less attention.

What I have noticed in my late 40s is not so much being invisible completely but being invisible to certain age groups. Like, I dont get attention from young guys but older ones (eg 60 and above) I get lots of attention and it makes me feel a bit gross tbh. Why on earth would I be interested in a 70 year old bloke?

Nothing wrong with being older but I am not interested in men 30 years older than me, thanks.

Wait til the menopause hits you, not getting noticed will be the least of your problems.

I have noticed this more recently! I'm 39 and still get attention from younger men but a lot from older guys recently, especially when on holiday. It doesn't bother me tbh, but at some point I expect I'll be invisible to the younger ones at some point. Definitely not interested in someone 30 years older!

That isn't helpful as it isn't true for everyone by a long chalk but puts unnecessary fear into people

Really? Have you tried saying not all men are violent rapists and murderers or that you voted tory?

It's almost as if different threads attract different posters and not all views are the same......

I LOVE my new super power of invisibility. Makes me bolder. I say what I actually think now and don’t give a xxxx what some random bloke thinks. I also see right through their ridiculous behaviour. Has anyone else noticed the ‘performance banter’. Eurgh.

It was meant to be tongue in cheek, I guess yours took your sense of humour to.

I'm nearly 60, it only gets worse. Cars don't stop to let me cross, I struggle to get served in a busy bar etc. I feel like I'm in Sixth Sense!

It doesn't bother me though.

I never understand these threads. I’m in my fifties and definitely don’t feel invisible. I’m no supermodel either, but keep fit, make an effort, and smile

My thoughts exactly.

I hated getting leered at. Give me invisibility and anonymity any day.

Well, in my eyes you're lucky that men used to look at you. I'm as unattractive as hell, I've never ever had men look at me (well apart from looking long enough to make 'hilarious' comments to me / their mates about how ugly I am). Honestly most men are shallow, selfish arseholes.

I have not voted as you are not unreasonable to feel as you feel. For many the loss of the male gaze comes as a relief and a liberation. It did for me and I’m years past that now. Both of my DDs (aged 23 and 20) really struggle with unsolicited male attention and in the case of DD1 it was a significant factor in her becoming seriously unwell with anorexia. So there are certainly down sides to it. But we like what we like and you are not wrong OP to be sad if you enjoyed the attention.

And if you really want still to attract admiring glances I sure this is still possible. It may just be less often than before.

Lots of posters over 40 have commented on not being short of attention when on a night out. I have no doubt of that at all. Women on a night out where there are single men will pretty much always be able to gain some attention. I think what the OP is referring to is the casual attention when just going about her business. I think that it is inevitable that that drops off significantly with age. It’s a case of making peace with oneself I think.

Oh I do understand this. I have been invisible for years, in fact I’m not sure I was ever visible to be honest. I’d probably pay for a compliment from anyone at this point, man or woman 😂People will find that pathetic but that’s how I feel.

Why do you need so much attention/validation from men in general?

Women are much more than just their physical appearance...

If you think that your worth depends only on your looks then that is bound to make you rather unhappy.

By random men who pass you on the street?
In my 20s/early 30s I used to occasionally get random men trying to chat me up or telling me to cheer up (ie ordering me to smile at them) and i can’t say I miss it tbh.

It's good to have the constancy of knowing you will always pop up to complain, though.

I’m assuming sometimes that women that get upset by this are on the look out for a partner?

I had this when I was about 43… not particularly about sexual attention from men but a general sense of invisibility. Despite being 10 years on now I can remember walking to the station after work through this underpass ( grim) and I was wearing a beige shirt and I passed this guy going through the other way whose eyes didn’t even flicker on me as I walked by. ( I don’t mean he didn’t fancy me I mean he didn’t even see me). What I realised that this was largely about the kind of energy I was giving out. I felt tired and drab. Since then I’ve revamped my life a little bit ( I’ve improved my social life. I’ve taken up some sport I enjoy and got a dog) - my
outlook is different.

I agree with posters who noted that most men in the 40+ bracket are likely to be married or in a relationship and therefore not really paying obvious attention to other women. The group of single or intentionally unfaithful straight men might show more interest in you.

If you really just want some male attention, you could try signing up for online dating apps / sites and let yourself be amazed, overwhelmed and/or appalled at the quantity of men apparently attracted to you on the basis of a few photos and outline information, regardless of your age.

I tried OLD in my mid-forties for about six months expecting a handful of matches and was deluged with unbelievable enthusiasm for proceeding directly to the bedroom despite a complete absence of obvious compatibility or any profile information provided at all by many guys. (I'm very average looking and physically unexceptional.) I didn't have the time or energy to sift through so many replies and eventually deleted all my profiles and returned to my single but believable real-world life where men are largely just impersonally polite to me in my late forties.

By strangers? No, it isn't.

I agree with posters who noted that most men in the 40+ bracket are likely to be married or in a relationship and therefore not really paying obvious attention to other women. The group of single or intentionally unfaithful straight men might show more interest in you

I agree with this too. I'm in my 40s and have been married for ages. I dont pay attention to attractive men my age or otherwise unless they are absolutely stunning because why would I? I am happily married. Obv if I see a man who is extraordinarily attractive I would notice him (I'm married, not blind lol) but I wouldnt ogle or make it obvious. But generally speaking, I wouldnt be paying any attention to men because I'm not looking to date anyone and am happy in my relationship so it wouldnt occur to me to be looking at anyone else. Sure, if I was single and looking to date I probably would be paying more attention to it as its something I would be actively looking for.

How liberating, and how much safer it will feel not to be 'seen'. Unfortunately this hasn't happened to me yet and I'm a good few years older than you, OP. Frankly, I can't wait: public male attention is nothing but a nuisance and I couldn't give a monkey's what complete strangers think of my physical appearance.

But peer reviewers respect my work. When I deliver papers and keynote speeches, people sit up and listen. And they are responsive. That's what I want to be noticed for.

I've seen this protestation about invisibility numerous times on MN and don't blame other women for these feelings. We are taught to esteem ourselves on the basis of how we look, are told we are 'pretty' as girls, and society is conditioned to view us likewise. Men heckle us if they value our looks and mockingly bark 'who let the dogs out' if they don't. Many of them simply can't resist sharing their opinions of what they think of us.

But who cares? Women are not put on this planet to decorate it for superficial, vacuous, shallow men. As a society we value completely the wrong things.

I agree with this. I think it’s attitude and a bit of oomph. And there’s a big difference between being ogled and being invisible

No one needs a leery look in their day from some random guy to feel good. OP, put on a nice outfit that you like and head out into the world, regardless of who is or isn’t looking.

Men will always look at younger women 🤷‍♀️