I am autistic and I never understood why anyone found me attractive after an abusive and neglectful childhood my self esteem was in the gutter.
i got loads of attention from men (& women) but i often thought it was ridicule or sarcasm!
I never felt good enough and was always getting asked out or catcalled or experienced meanness from other women who saw me as competition.
Im mixed heritage and experienced a lot of bullying, aggression and racism, much centred around my non ‘english‘ appearance / features. I’d have given anything to be pretty and blonde.
I became disabled at the time when I should have been ‘finding myself’ and growing into my older woman’s wisdom and inner peace and instead was fighting terrifying symptoms, medication, mental health, my children’s extra needs and all that comes with that.
its taken its toll and I feel so old, so frumpy and dowdy, overweight and dress for comfort and practicality.
It wasn’t until very recently (I’m in my 50s) that I was looking through old photos and realised that I was beautiful, really beautiful .
i was shocked and sad to realise it, I never felt it and then in the blink of an eye it’s gone!
nobody gives me a second glance now, even when I do dress up and feel pretty, when I see the photos I just look old and fat.
i wish I had been brought up to love and care for myself more and I might have believed people who said I was beautiful instead of wishing I looked like someone else