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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sad or sulking?

59 replies

RhubarbAndFlustered · 09/07/2024 19:30

I'll preface this saying I am was by nature a bubbly chatty person. I love to have a good natter, or to share something I find funny, or to make people laugh. I'm popular with the clients at work (I work in a care role) as far as I can tell, most colleagues too.

Two people close to me said something that's just broken me. Really, broken. As in I'm now unable to chat. My 'natter' just doesn't work anymore.
My chest has a constant pain in it and I feel so damn sad. I don't want to talk. I have no words to say now. They're gone. I don't feel thrilled when my teens tell me something great. I just say, "oh. Okay". Or "that's nice".
As you can probably guess, it was two family members being less than nice and smirking about me telling them something I'd found interesting/funny. It just stopped me in my tracks and I had to leave to find a chore to do or something.

I genuinely feel like I'm being silly and being a sulky cow but I don't mean to. I don't want to be. I just have a constant painful ache in my chest and I don't want to talk. I can't bring myself to strike up conversation or even reply more than a word or two.

I feel like everyone is sick of me and don't want to hear what I have to say.

What can I do? It's been over a week. My son, 12, (who also joined in a bit of the meanness too) has noticed and is trying to strike up conversations and has even apologised so he's well aware of what's taken my voice. I feel even worse now that I can't fake it for him.

Any advice? Aibu to feel this way?

OP posts:

nootropics · 09/07/2024 20:30

OP that is one hell of a reaction to 2 twats smirking at you

LoveWine123 · 09/07/2024 20:33

What did they say exactly?

GoneFishingToday · 09/07/2024 20:33

I think we really need to know what you were saying if you want us to judge whether they were being unfair to you OP.

WhichEllie · 09/07/2024 20:34

I think to really say we need to know what was said and who said it. If it was, for example, your husband and child sneering at you for making chatty conversation then I’d imagine that your confidence would have taken a big knock and you’d feel down and insecure about being your usual self around them.

Tbskejue · 09/07/2024 20:42

It sounds like you need to talk to them and tell
them how you feel although if it was teenage children then you still should tell them but it’s worth with teenagers having a thicker skin

nutbrownhare15 · 09/07/2024 20:57

I'm sorry that happened. If they are family members can you tell them how upset you have been after their comments? It sounds like they are jealous of your popularity.

SeeingRainbowsInTheGloom · 09/07/2024 21:18

YANBU to feel that way. People close have the power to hurt us the most. Hopefully, with time, it will start to fade and I'd encourage you not to do or say anything to further damage the relationship. I don't know who it was, but I imagine there have been times when your children have been talking about something they think is interesting but you've had no interest, and have just part listened. Unfortunately your relatives have just been plain rude rather than feign interest, and that's their failing not yours.

Mouswife · 09/07/2024 21:32

You are hurt OP and it’s taken away your bounce. You will get over it, but it’s ok to be reeling a little when you have felt disrespected and hurt.

you’ll be back to yourself eventually, you just need to remind yourself their issues are not your issues, but you have to get over the hurt first.

Original poster

RhubarbAndFlustered · 10/07/2024 08:15

GoneFishingToday · 09/07/2024 20:33

I think we really need to know what you were saying if you want us to judge whether they were being unfair to you OP.

I'd laughed at a reel and DH looked up questioning what so I started to describe why it was hilarious. DH, late teen (and early teen son to an extent) basically told me to stop talking and started smirking and holding back laughs with each other when I went quiet. It wasn't just them saying shut up but a few sentences about me going on and basically how they're not bothered etc.
for some reason it's made me paranoid about anything I say and unable to speak knowing that I just get on everyone's nerves.

OP posts:

Trickabrick · 10/07/2024 08:21

I’m sorry you are feeling that way but honestly, it sounds like an over-reaction. Have you had a direct conversation with them to clear the air as perhaps that would help.? But to still to be stewing over it a week later seems a bit OTT unless you have other stressors on your life at the moment.

pictoosh · 10/07/2024 08:27

We all get on people's nerves at some point or other.

I understand that you felt disrespected by their conduct...but I'm not quite sure why this particular exchange has hit so hard.
It sounds like it has triggered an episode of anxiety in which you are disproportionately ashamed and upset. It's very unpleasant when this happens.

Agix · 10/07/2024 08:28

It does sound like a bit of an overreaction OP, but from what you wrote it doesn't sound like one you're particularly in control of. This is just how it's made you feel.

And I think that's OK. I don't think you have to fake it. Stay silent if that's how you're feeling right now. They've gotten what they apparently wished for so don't worry about them.

I'd say the only way it would be a problem was if your were faking the sulky-ness to punish them. "Silent treatment" is terrible.

If its not that, then I'd say you probably just have to process it and then you'll feel more like your normal self soon. You can talk to them about how rude they were, if that will help?

Greenlittecat · 10/07/2024 08:33

I think it's okay to feel the way you feel, being belittled is horrible especially by people you are close to.

If it's affecting your children to the point they notice though, I think you need to put a mask on whilst they're around as seeing mum sad can cause a huge amount of worry.

Sending you love, and hope you get your nattering back soon ❤️

Loubelle70 · 10/07/2024 08:33

I had similar from my niece and sister...i said 'thats me...if you dont like it...dont be around me'...DH or DS..Id say same...id stop doing for them too and do more with people who like me as i am......bet they wont smirk when they gotta do stuff u used to do for them.

YourNimblePeachTraybake · 10/07/2024 08:36

It seems that they were mocking/belittling you and you were deeply hurt. I would tell them separately, starting with your DH. Your feelings are valid.

veryCrossMrFlibble · 10/07/2024 08:40

Tell them they upset you and tell them why. Get it off your chest. It's not healthy or helpful to just sit on it in silence while everyone tries to guess what's wrong.

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 10/07/2024 08:41

These are the people you love who are supposed to love you and totally have your back.
. I suggest you take your husband for a walk or somewhere where you won’t be disturbed and have a conversation with him. He ganged up with both his sons to belittle you. That is truly horrible and he needs to totally get it.
He needs to talk to the boys and then you need to sit down as a family and talk it over.
This should never happen again.

aridiculousargument · 10/07/2024 08:43

That would’ve upset me too, teenagers will teenage but your husband joining in past a point of harmless tease - holding back laughs as you were visibly upset/gone quiet/ imagine your face showed how you felt - is not on

valadon68 · 10/07/2024 08:46

Happy, chatty people are a gift to society and in personal relationships, OP. I bet you are someone many people look forward to crossing paths with. Please don't let this change you - it's just not worth it.

Venice241 · 10/07/2024 08:47

That is your gut triggering anxiety to protect you because you know they were very rude and disrespectful of you.
It has cut you deeply because these are your husband and children.
I can understand your upset.
I think if you have carried on doing normal stuff for them, you are disrespectful of yourself and need to stop.
What is your marriage like if this is going on a week and you haven't said anything to your husband?
Not great I would think.
Has this crystallised this for you?
I would tell the youngest that you are very hurt over the rudeness and that you are a bit sad over it, but will get over it.
He's young so I would try with him.
As for the other two....stop doing ANYTHING for them and rethink how much you do.
Tell them both you are very upset at their behaviour.
Neither of them sound very nice.
I think you have put up with unkind behaviour before and this has tipped you over the edge?

KreedKafer · 10/07/2024 08:53

Is there a bigger picture here that you’re not giving us? Because yes, your husband was a dickhead (especially for involving your son) but if this was a one-off, why has this one bit of twattery ‘broken’ you? Was it really a one-off or was it more the last straw? Or do you have past experiences in your life (like bullying or emotional abuse) that this reminded you of, and meant this incident was particularly upsetting?

I just feel like for most people, if their husband was an uncharacteristically miserable git about you laughing at something, they would just tell him pretty sharply to stop being an arsehole. Or at the very least, they’d ask him later “So what the hell was that all about? You made me feel like shit and involving DS was horrible.” So is there something more to this that you’re not telling us, or maybe haven’t even really processed yourself?

RivkaTheBold · 10/07/2024 08:59

That's such an extreme reaction to a nothing event. Even saying things like 'what's taken my voice' sounds absolutely crazy.

How are you feeling in yourself generally?

Wheredidileavemycarkeys · 10/07/2024 09:07

RhubarbAndFlustered · 10/07/2024 08:15

Show quote history

Yeah when I read your OP my first thought was “I bet it was the teens”.
It’s standard issue teenage behaviour. They’ll grow out of it.

Original poster

RhubarbAndFlustered · 10/07/2024 09:16

For those asking, no, they're not usually like that, it's a bright, cheerful loving household. It's new. It was unexpected and it cut deep.

I'm in my mid forties and as someone has suggested, I did grow up with a bully dad. He was mean. His favourite game was "How can I make Rhubarb cry and feel like shit about herself today?" When I got upset when he was in a tirade, shouting at/threatening me for something unimportant (once was because I struggled to get a new CD out of a case out of fear of breaking it) then it would be further berating and yelling about me being sensitive or "oh look, and now she's fucking crying again".
It did stop in my 20's when I went NC after realising I didn't need to hold the phone to my ear to listen to him being mean nor go to his house to experience it in person. I was doing it to myself. We made up years before he died and he never acted so nastily again after finding out that I would not take that crap from him, so it was certainly something conscious and controllable from his side.

Back to now. I'm not giving silent treatment because I'm still replying but I have no stories to tell. Before I say anything I'm thinking "Do they need/want to know that? Why would they care?" And then I just don't say it. I can't physically say it even if I did think they'd be interested. It gets stuck in my chest and I sit there with my mouth gaping like a bloody fish. I've been faking it at work and being cheery and loud (but less chatty) as usual I think but even my colleagues have noticed. I don't think my clients have, thankfully.

OP posts:

Original poster

RhubarbAndFlustered · 10/07/2024 09:18

Yeah when I read your OP my first thought was “I bet it was the teens”. It’s standard issue teenage behaviour. They’ll grow out of it.* My husband is in his late 40's.

OP posts:

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