Sad or sulking?

[RhubarbAndFlustered]

I'll preface this saying I am was by nature a bubbly chatty person. I love to have a good natter, or to share something I find funny, or to make people laugh. I'm popular with the clients at work (I work in a care role) as far as I can tell, most colleagues too.

Two people close to me said something that's just broken me. Really, broken. As in I'm now unable to chat. My 'natter' just doesn't work anymore.
My chest has a constant pain in it and I feel so damn sad. I don't want to talk. I have no words to say now. They're gone. I don't feel thrilled when my teens tell me something great. I just say, "oh. Okay". Or "that's nice".
As you can probably guess, it was two family members being less than nice and smirking about me telling them something I'd found interesting/funny. It just stopped me in my tracks and I had to leave to find a chore to do or something.

I genuinely feel like I'm being silly and being a sulky cow but I don't mean to. I don't want to be. I just have a constant painful ache in my chest and I don't want to talk. I can't bring myself to strike up conversation or even reply more than a word or two.

I feel like everyone is sick of me and don't want to hear what I have to say.

What can I do? It's been over a week. My son, 12, (who also joined in a bit of the meanness too) has noticed and is trying to strike up conversations and has even apologised so he's well aware of what's taken my voice. I feel even worse now that I can't fake it for him.

Any advice? Aibu to feel this way?

That's rough and I can totally empathise with how you've taken it. Honestly, sounds like a) they've been unnecessarily mean about 'something annoying mum's done' and b) you're now embarrassed/ashamed/humiliated. Now, those feelings are really unpleasant to sit with but you might do well to acknowledge them so you can move past them.

You've been your usual self, they've made a mean, humiliating comment designed to be spiteful and it's worked. This leaves you questioning your 'usual self' and whether all of you is annoying/daft etc or just bits if you.

So, my advice would be sit with that for a bit. Then speak to both of them (or all of them) and say, "do you know what guys, when you took the piss out of me the other day for me describing that reel, I really felt that. I do that kind of thing all the time so for you to laugh at me has left me questioning whether I'm even likeable, and whether I should just shut up all the time, Now I don't necessarily want an apology but please explain where the issue is. Is it frequency, just teen cringe, what?" and go from there x

Oh OP how awful- as pp have said its maybe excusable from the immature DC but not from your DH. It was a real show of contempt which is so destructive in a close relationship. You're not overreacting- it sounds like it's hit on a painful wound from your dad's bullying. It's good one of your children has twigged and apologised. I would want an apology from your DH too. What has he said about the change in you?

@Newnamesameoldlurker he's not said anything. Life is still normal but I think he's enjoying the peace of not having to listen to me prattle on about my day.

reread your OP

do you honestly think your reaction to this is anything other than quite shockingly over sensitive

I'll preface this saying I am was by nature a bubbly chatty person.

and extremely over sensitive

The above is great advice. I have nothing wiser than that to suggest but just wanted to say I'm sorry they burst your bubble like that💐

You poor thing. I completely understand why this has winded you. Teens can be thoughtless and make mistakes in social interactions but your DH is another matter.

In your shoes I would speak to your DH separately and say regardless of how he feels about your chattiness it was simply not on for him to belittle you, especially in front of your sons who will take their cue as to how to treat you, and other women, from him. If he has an issue with you then he should discuss it privately with you and not take the mick out of you in front of other people. He also needs to insist generally, that your sons appreciate you and what you do for them and treat you with respect.

It’s understandable that you’re now questioning your normal way of behaving and finding it hard to be yourself around them. I would try and shift your focus to outside the family. Enjoy your interactions at work and maybe go out with your friends more and have fun and be your chatty self with them. You might get your mojo back with people who like you the way you are and your family might appreciate you more

Good advice from @EmilyDickinson.
OP, you forgive your father which was huge of you, because he sounds like he was utterly viciously emotionally abusive.
I would definitely think you have trauma still from that time.
There is no way an apology Graces years of horrific emotional abuse.
Your husband showed you nasty contempt and it has clearly triggered you, unsurprisingly.
He has carried on as normal.
That is not on.
You need to stand up for yourself.
I have two sons and I certainly wouldn't tolerate being disrespected like that.
Do you do too much?
If you do, stop it.
A dose of zero tolerance and zero doing anything for them is due.

We teach people how to treat us.
Do not tolerate this or it will happen again.

Sometimes in life someone can treat you poorly, like your teens and DH did, and rather than being able to shrug it off, it almost wounds you. It gets through every day to day defence you normally have

I would take to your DH, as @EmilyDickinson rightly put, the teens took their cue from their Dad and behaved very poorly. You said that this is your normal behaviour so your chattiness was not out of character for them to behave is such a rude way.

Bloody hell, love. Sounds like you had an awful time with your dad, and that certainly does shed some light on why this has affected you so much.

The term 'triggered' is massively overused these days, but I think its original meaning is pretty much exactly what's happened to you. Your DH suddenly being a bit of dick like that has triggered memories (even if only subconsciously) of being bullied by your dad as a kid. And that is pretty understandable. Being bullied by a parent like that (in what sounds like a very sadistic way, honestly) is genuinely traumatic.

FWIW, I thought I was pretty unscathed by a traumatic experience in my own past, until years later, my generally very calm, affable and mild-mannered DP was at the end of his tether with a technology-related issue and was getting really tense and irritated, to the point where he threw an instruction manual across the room. And suddenly I felt nauseous, came out in a cold sweat and my hands started shaking, and completely shut down and just went and sat upstairs. Basically, his behaviour had triggered memories of a former partner who had a horrific and violent temper (despite the fact that my DP wasn't cross with me at all and had just been muttering furiously and threw an instruction booklet across the floor).

It sounds to me as if what you've gone through is very similar - a seemingly minor thing has reminded you of a much more major thing, and it's really affected you. It's a PTSD type of response.

I think you need to talk to your husband and explain exactly how you feel, and most importantly, why. I would guess that, if this was out of character for him, he didn't mean to hurt you, and has no idea that you would be affected like this - so I think you need to tell him. I don't mean by having a go at him, but just an honest conversation about how your childhood seems to have affected you. If he's usually kind and caring towards you, he'll want to know what's up, surely, and he'll want to know how to avoid hurting you like this again in future.

I think perhaps you might want to read the OP's follow-up posts about her childhood.

Just nasty.

I had something like what you're describing when I was 10 OP. I had noticed by then that conversations with my mother followed a pattern: I'd talk to her about something that bothered me, and she'd listen sympathetically at the time, but then later on when angry at me she'd use those details to lash out. I.e "Well THIS is why Julie doesn't like you, because you do things like this" sort of thing.

It got to the point where even the thought of sharing information about my day with my mother made me freeze up, even if I wanted to make an effort or if it was low-threat information. Unfortunately that freeze response never really faded for me. However you're an adult so I'd be more hopeful that it will resolve (also I'm autistic so that might have been a factor).

Sorry you're feeling so deflated OP.

That sounds awful and I can see how it really punched you in the guts after the childhood you had. A family member of mine married a man who, along with their sons, belittled the shit out of her. They treat women horribly now as adult men, and the family member (well rid of the nasty ex) has terrible self confidence and is nc with her sons. This is a very extreme case, but it's up to your dh to nip this in the bud before those kids of yours start thinking that its the way to treat the women they love.

I guess it’s you doubting your everything, your place, your existence, your personality and contribution to your family in life. I’ve been there and it’s horrible (also a happy chatty at home person). It’s them not you and they might not even realise what they’ve done to you but maybe you need to tell them. Just hopefully your dh isn’t awful and he’ll be sorry. Either way You can’t lose your lovely self xxxxxxxx talk to them but also make sure you do some you stuff music wise or comedy or just chatting to friends, or your kids, getting out/ awayetc . Whatever you need to be you xxxx

Getting an authentic part of yourself shot down is the definition of gutting.

My OH once got really frustrated with how excited I get, and how I express that excitement, which I feel is very much a part of being me. I spoke to her about it and said that I get excited, it's my nature and she said she gets annoyed and it's in her nature. We both reflected and now she tolerates it a bit and I tone it down a bit because ultimately we do still love each other very much even if there's some stuff about each other that we don't like all of the time.

I recommend talking, an explanation might reveal a level of annoyance much lower than your mind is going to

I get it OP. I was once telling my then boyfriend something and honestly hadn't been talking long when he suddenly said 'Shh now, you're boring me.' I was really shocked. We split up not long afterwards and that was nearly twenty years ago but I still feel intensely aware of the need not to talk for too long if I'm telling someone something.

Horrible isn't it? Just shuts you right down and makes you not want to "bore" anyone again.

You’re being over-dramatic. You’re not "broken", just sad and perhaps embarrassed. Your confidence has taken a knock. They were rude and unkind, but I doubt if they ever intended it to be taken to heart as much as you have done. Tell them how you feel.

OP, I haven't RTFT but I've read all of your responses. I'm really sorry that you're feeling so sad about this. Since your reaction seems to be out of character for you, I wonder if perimenopause might be worth checking into? One of the first symptoms for me was mood swings and oversensitivity.

You need to sit your DS down and have a word with him . You’ve got an opportunity here to teach him how to treat other people - he needs to learn it. It founds like he’s already realised he has behaved badly, which is a good start.

Ideally you’d also talk to your DH, calmly but firmly. If I’m honest i wouldn’t be able to - I’d be so angry. I’d focus my teaching efforts on DS and basically ignore DH. I’d stop doing anything for him until he asks what is wrong. Then I’d give him the bollocking of a lifetime.

I suppose I’d be thinking that DS is my child and not yet an adult - even if 18/19. My feelings towards DH would be very different.

What they did was hurtful - and your DH should have the maturity to realise how badly he’s screwed up. It doesn’t say much for him that he hasn’t.

'Over sensitive' is a phrase used often by the belittlers and mockers

I've pondered this since yesterday.

Their behaviour was VERY hurtful.

Being chatty is a big part of your personality and your H has clearly been criticising and mocking you privately with your DC.

I'm not sure I would be able to truly forgive my H for clearly thinking so little of 1, who I am, 2, mocking me to the DC.