Ex left as I didn't want to commit, says he made a mistake

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He left me after just over 4 years as I couldn't give him a timeframe wrt commitment. He wanted to marry me, start a family, buy a house, all normal stuff.

I was just hesitant about it all. He'd asked me after 3 years, and I wasn't ready. After 4 years, we had about a month of tearful discussions and then he eventually packed his bags.

I was devastated but knew it was for the best. We've basically stayed very close, now a few months later he tells me he's full of regret.

He says I was the love of his life and he'd just rather be with me than have those things. He says he was really stupid to walk away and would love to try and work things out, and how sorry he is.
What do people think?

I think if you weren't ready to commit after 4 years, then he wasn't the one for you - sorry.

I think after 4 years if you weren't ready to commit you were probably just stringing him along, even subconsciously. Nobody deserves that, let him find someone who wants to give him the commitment you couldn't.

I think so too.

He says all those things now because he's likely feeling lonely and finding it difficult to adjust to his new life. If marriage was important enough for him to walk away then, it's likely important to him still and history will repeat itself.

He needs to find somebody who wants the same things.

It was stuff like buying a home too.
He says he will wait until I'm ready and he should've done this before.

But can you be honest with yourself and ask yourself why you don't want these things with him?

What happens if you're never ready? What will he do then?

Do you actually want him back? Why does what he want matter most?

I just don't know what to do.
Yes I do want to, I'm just scared of wasting his time. I know I can't expect him to wait forever.

I would tell him to please stop wasting his time.

Why?

You weren't ready after 4 years. That's a large chunk of that man's life you have wasted.

Because there’s something holding you back and it’s probably that you just don’t love him enough. Which is fine, but you need to admit it.

I do love him.. the thought of marriage just feels so final, I don't know. It terrifies me.

Well, what do you want?
Do you really want to spend the rest of you life with this man?
Are you thinking something better is going to come along?

If the idea of marriage is so final? So what? What's holding you back?

Okay, so that's how HE feels. What about you? Do you regret breaking up? Do you miss him? Or until he said he wanted to give things another go did you think that breaking up was probably the right thing to do?

If the two of you aren't on the same page, it's probably better to break up. You sound like you don't know what the hell you want and that's okay for you, but it's not fair on him after all this time.

I also think that if you wanted him, you'd know that by now and not be unsure.

I think he’d be mad to come back. You don’t want what he wants.

And if you don’t want it with him after 4 years you need to go your separate ways.

how old are you both?

what stages of your lives are you at? - work, renting, deposit etc

How old are you?

Then he’s not the one for you. You won’t be frightened to commit to the right one.

If he left but without staying close like he has this time, if you never saw him again, how would you feel?

I'm 29, he's 33.
We were renting together but he's in the process of buying a flat in the area now as I was hesitant to buy with him.
I know I need to grow up eventually.

career progression? earnings?
what do you like about him? etc things you have in common.

It is strange you rented together and you are still unable to put a finger on what is making you hesitant? Is he immature? Not house trained? Goes out drinking into teh early hours? Possessive? You need to tell us more if you want to hear what 'we think'.

I think if you're still not sure then he's not the one for you. Don't string him along any more - you may never be comfortable with the idea of marriage and children and that's what he wants. Essentially, you're incompatible.

Me and my finance split when one day he came home and declared he no longer wanted children. He'd been so excited about it in chats, but kept putting it off. Turns out he didn't know whether he wanted them, when he realised he didn't a few weeks before the wedding, he left.
I was absolutely devastated and for a time, thought I could give up the hope of a family just to be with him. That he'd be enough.
We tried again but it became clear fairly early on that I'd forever resent that decision to give up what I wanted.
6 years down the line I've got my beautiful family, I'm happy, he's happy, we're still friends.
It was so so hard at first so I get how he's feeling. But honestly if you truly don't want those things, you've gotta make that clear.
From the other side it feels like you could love someone enough to make it fine. But I'm not sure it ever really is. I still thank him for making that call and ending things.

Equally maybe he sat down and thought about it and doesn't want all those things. Just liked the idea as that's what people do. Who knows!
Perhaps more of discussion about why he's come to that decision. Did he realise it was just "how people did things" or is he giving it up for you?

He doesn't have to be any of those things. She probably just doesn't love him (enough), her not wanting to commit doesn't mean something must be wrong with the guy.

Unless you can fully commit you need to let him go.