Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex left as I didn't want to commit, says he made a mistake

64 replies

Seeusernamehistory1 · 09/07/2024 19:08

He left me after just over 4 years as I couldn't give him a timeframe wrt commitment. He wanted to marry me, start a family, buy a house, all normal stuff.

I was just hesitant about it all. He'd asked me after 3 years, and I wasn't ready. After 4 years, we had about a month of tearful discussions and then he eventually packed his bags.

I was devastated but knew it was for the best. We've basically stayed very close, now a few months later he tells me he's full of regret.

He says I was the love of his life and he'd just rather be with me than have those things. He says he was really stupid to walk away and would love to try and work things out, and how sorry he is.
What do people think?

OP posts:
summerholidayszy · 09/07/2024 20:14

Chickennoodlesss · 09/07/2024 20:12

He doesn't have to be any of those things. She probably just doesn't love him (enough), her not wanting to commit doesn't mean something must be wrong with the guy.

Show quote history

And how are we then expected to comment, as she asked us to without more info?

You are right that this feels like only OP can tell if she wants to commit to him or not. SO what's teh point of this thread? To reaffirm her feelings to us in a form of a question?

Icanttakethisanymore · 09/07/2024 20:15

It ls impossible to tell from this thread whether you are not ready for commitment, or if he’s just not ‘the one’. I suspect you know though, if you’re really honest with yourself.

summerholidayszy · 09/07/2024 20:16

Icanttakethisanymore · 09/07/2024 20:15

It ls impossible to tell from this thread whether you are not ready for commitment, or if he’s just not ‘the one’. I suspect you know though, if you’re really honest with yourself.

Exactly my point!

tennesseewhiskey1 · 09/07/2024 20:16

You don’t want what he wants - don’t waste anymore of his time.

ManchesterLu · 09/07/2024 20:17

Seeusernamehistory1 · 09/07/2024 19:35

I do love him.. the thought of marriage just feels so final, I don't know. It terrifies me.

Then he's not the right one for you. Honestly. When it's right, you'll want to do it.

I realised I had to split up with my ex when I had a dream about us getting married, and realised that it was a nightmare and I woke up relieved that I hadn't done it.

FOJN · 09/07/2024 20:18

Let him go. Leave him be so he is free to find someone who is ready.

If you don't know why you don't feel ready after 4 years together then you have no idea if you ever will be ready. Maybe it him, maybe you just don't want those things, neither is wrong but reconciling in the hope you will become ready would be selfish.

Do you think it's fair to use the time of someone you claim to love when you know you are not at the same life stage as he is?

seven201 · 09/07/2024 20:20

Have any of your friends done these things? I think sometimes that can subconsciously signal it's ok to do those things too. You're still quite young remember.

For what it's worth I had to talk my dh into buying a flat, getting married, buying a house, having kids. He was terrified of doing all those things but happy after he'd done them! I'm not saying you'll be fine, as obviously I don't know you at all!

Elephant03 · 09/07/2024 20:20

He’s missing you and feeling like he made the wrong decision but in the long term it’s the right choice.

If you were 21 years old I’d say you’re allowed more time to think, but nearly 30 and him being 33 time is ticking. (Not like months but obviously he needs a time frame)

I think if you still can’t decide on these things which by the way is VALID. Let him go and find that happiness with someone else, x

Elephant03 · 09/07/2024 20:21

FOJN · 09/07/2024 20:18

Let him go. Leave him be so he is free to find someone who is ready.

If you don't know why you don't feel ready after 4 years together then you have no idea if you ever will be ready. Maybe it him, maybe you just don't want those things, neither is wrong but reconciling in the hope you will become ready would be selfish.

Do you think it's fair to use the time of someone you claim to love when you know you are not at the same life stage as he is?

This x

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 09/07/2024 20:23

Seeusernamehistory1 · 09/07/2024 20:04

I'm 29, he's 33.
We were renting together but he's in the process of buying a flat in the area now as I was hesitant to buy with him.
I know I need to grow up eventually.

This is not how wanting to get married feels

BirthdayRainbow · 09/07/2024 20:25

I was with someone who didn't seem to want marriage and kids. I decided living together was enough.

eventually I left for other reasons and I was right to.

you'd be wrong to have him back. You're not being fair.

DrFoxtrot · 09/07/2024 20:25

It sounds like he's not the one for you. Don't worry about him, he sounds like a good man who will be snapped up.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2024 20:30

Seeusernamehistory1 · 09/07/2024 20:04

I'm 29, he's 33.
We were renting together but he's in the process of buying a flat in the area now as I was hesitant to buy with him.
I know I need to grow up eventually.

You can grow up alone (buy your own flat) or not at all.

But if you don't want to marry him or buy a flat with him or have a baby with him, don't. And be honest that you have no intention of doing so.

FreebieWallopFridge · 09/07/2024 20:32

You need to let him go, OP. You’re being so unfair to him.

Choochoo21 · 09/07/2024 20:34

Neither of you are right or wrong, you’re just in two different places.

It’s the main reason why I’d be reluctant to be in a relationship with a big age gap, as this is more likely to happen.

Its sad but it’s not fair for him to put his life on hold, waiting for something that may never even happen.

And it’s not fair on you to rush into something you are not ready for.

HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 09/07/2024 20:34

I don't think you can plan too far ahead. However he wants marriage, kids , mortgage etc and you don't. I think it's sad but you should not get back together as you will be prolonging the separation pain.

Wgdici52828 · 09/07/2024 20:35

I think you would know if he was the one you wanted to commit to after 4 years. For both your sakes I think you need to stand firm on the breakup.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/07/2024 20:49

Thing is, maybe you are the love of his life, but he isnt yours.

If he was you wouldnt have had that hesitancy. If you were as into him as he into you, you would be jumping at the chance to take the next step. They fact that you are holding back means your brain is trying to tell you something and you should listen to it.

You can love someone and not be right for them. He is lonely, he hasnt found anyone else he wants to be with yet because he is still getting over you and, with kindness, you are not helping him get over you with staying in touch as you are.

I think that the best thing for both of you is to cut contact altogether. Gives you both time to get used to not having each other in your lives so you can recover. This halfway house of not being together but not being apart isnt doing either of you any favours.

IDontHateRainbows · 09/07/2024 20:51

Seeusernamehistory1 · 09/07/2024 19:35

I do love him.. the thought of marriage just feels so final, I don't know. It terrifies me.

You can always get divorced if it doesn't work out.

Conniebygaslight · 09/07/2024 20:51

It’s not fair to give someone false hope in case you wake up and change your mind, which sounds like what you’re doing. You need to be clear in how you feel. If you’re clear that you’re unsure though,he can decide if he wants to wait around for you. Sounds like you’re both hedging your bets.

JFDIYOLO · 09/07/2024 21:16

If you genuinely wanted to marry him, have a family, buy a home together etc - you'd know. And you'd commit.

Don't waste his time or his life. He isn't your The One.

Tell him so honestly and let him go.

Or if you find after time apart that yes you want what he wants - tell him that.

Itsallabouttea · 09/07/2024 21:41

You don't need marriage kids and a mortgage to grow up - maybe it's not him that's the issue but you just don't want any of those things at all which is absolutely fine. If he does however then it's not fair on him to let him think he might have a chance.

BirthdayRainbow · 09/07/2024 21:42

Don't go into a marriage thinking you can always get divorced. Divorce is expensive, painful and difficult. What a ridiculous suggestion.

Carrotsandgrapes · 09/07/2024 22:08

I've seen this situation a twice with close friends (and more often with friends of friends). But it was always the woman who wanted the commitment and the man who "wasn't ready for commitment".

Cut to 2 or 3 years later, and this same man was married to someone else with a baby on the way! The issue wasn't that he didn't want commitment fullstop. As soon as he found the right woman, he wanted commitment.

It's a cliché, but if you care for this guy, set him free. It would be easy for you to get back with him - you like him, he loves you, and it's nice to be with someone. But you'd be holding him back from finding the right person who wants to commit to him as much as he wants to commit to them.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/07/2024 22:48

IDontHateRainbows · 09/07/2024 20:51

You can always get divorced if it doesn't work out.

Show quote history

So she should agree to marriage with a man she isnt sure she wants to commit to, probably buying a house and having kids too, all on the basis that she can "just" get divorced, like its that easy! With shared property, maybe kids, plus the cost and upheaval of divorce, it really isnt the "oh well you can always get divorced" easy out that you say it is!

The fact that the OP doesnt want to marry unless she is sure it is forever says to me that marriage actually has more importance to her than it does to you!!