Ex left as I didn't want to commit, says he made a mistake

[Seeusernamehistory1]

He left me after just over 4 years as I couldn't give him a timeframe wrt commitment. He wanted to marry me, start a family, buy a house, all normal stuff.

I was just hesitant about it all. He'd asked me after 3 years, and I wasn't ready. After 4 years, we had about a month of tearful discussions and then he eventually packed his bags.

I was devastated but knew it was for the best. We've basically stayed very close, now a few months later he tells me he's full of regret.

He says I was the love of his life and he'd just rather be with me than have those things. He says he was really stupid to walk away and would love to try and work things out, and how sorry he is.
What do people think?

Cut to 2 or 3 years later, and this same man was married to someone else with a baby on the way! The issue wasn't that he didn't want commitment fullstop. As soon as he found the right woman, he wanted commitment.

I agree, I've seen it myself. In fact I was the woman who the "commitmentphobe" married (was a nightmare, should have said no!) and had a child with. If they "dont feel ready" then they never will with you, but will often leave for the woman that they will marry eye wateringly quickly and be revoltingly happy with, after using you as a place holder for years.

@Seeusernamehistory1 This is potentially what you could do to him, arent you better than that?

Tell me you’ve never been divorced without telling me you’ve never been divorced 😆😆

Don’t be so bloody stupid. You shouldn’t marry unless you are fully committed to that person.

It doesn’t sound like he’s not your one, even if you’re apparently his. I think four years is more than enough time to know if you wanted to be with him. And if you don’t want children or marriage at all then it’s not fair to make him wait for something you might never feel. I don’t think it’s about “growing up” more than you don’t actually want those things with him if you’re honest. I just don’t think actually staying in contact has helped either of you figure out what you want and has possibly kept him strung along unintentionally more than you realised. He’s panicking he’s now approaching mid 30s and not “settled down” but that doesn’t mean you have to jump back in and fairytale it for him.

How do you know if you don't want those things in general,vs not wanting them with him?

Doesn't matter. He wants them. With you. You either don't want them with him, or you don't want them at all. Its not fair to continue to waste his time, 4 years without any interest in commitment isn't going to be enough for most people.

Don't go back. You don't want to spend the rest of your life with him.

Marriage is hard enough without starting it on a compromise. You will know in your heart when you are with someone you really do want to be with for the rest of your life.

Well if you wanted them with him then I would say with almost certainty you’d have definitely felt it at least at some point by 4+ years and so much time apart to miss him. You didn’t, seen as he’s wanting you back and not the other way around.

In terms of knowing if you want those things at all; what do you visualise for your future? Do you imagine the joy of independently buying your own home, or imagine living with someone? Have you thought about a wedding? Do you picture yourself with children? I think how you see yourself is the most important thing. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting those things either. But I think you need to figure out what would make you content before embarking on any relationship.

OP I don't think it's about you needing to grow up.

I think its about not being right for each other. It's ok to not be right for each other. It's also ok for you to not want marriage & a mortgage etc. You shouldn't feel pressured into those things.

Where do you see yourself in 5,10,20 years? Do you want children, marriage, to own a house etc?

If so, then it sounds like you just don’t want these things with HIM, which means you definitely shouldn’t get back together.

If you’re not sure you want these things at all, then you also shouldn’t get back together as he obviously does. It will just cause more arguments down the line.

You need to have a long hard think about what you actually want.

Does he regret it though?

If you have remained close, he hasn't really given himself a chance.

And really seems like he wants certain things and you don't. And you haven't actually cut the cord and separated properly. So he is still holding on. There's not been an actual break.

I don't want to get married and dp knows that. If dp really wanted to get married it would be cruel, imo, if I stayed with him knowing that's what he was always hoping for when I don't want it. I want dp to have the things he feels is important, even if it's without me.

Wether you mean to or not you have strung him along. Thinking it's time to grow up isn't the reason to marry someone.

And be honest, is the fact that he is his carrying on with his plans without you, making you consider getting back with him?

He wants things that you don't. He obviously loves you and therefore, for him, wanting those things with you is natural. But you don't want them, so let him find someone else who does want those things. He is heartbroken now, but he will find someone more suitable in time. Don't waste any more of his life.

At 29, after 4 years, you know. If you're not feeling it you're not that into him.

You'll know when you want them and maybe you never will, and thats ok. But you dont want them with him, so he isnt the one for you and more importantly, you are not the one for him.

I think most people know whether they'd like to be married or not, but the key is finding the person that you want to do that with - some people can't imagine getting married until they meet that special someone.

Your ex wants to commit to you, he thinks you're that special someone, but it's obvious from what you've written that you don't feel the same way. That's okay. There is no rule that says just because someone thinks you're 'the one' that you have to agree. Unrequited love is a well-known thing! But you should be honest with him, don't string him along, let him go and lick his wounds and look for someone else who will want to marry him. And maybe you will find someone who makes you want to commit to them too - but you'll never know unless you let your ex go, once and for all.