To ask for feedback from my date?

[Iaminthefly]

Just recieved a polite "thanks but no thanks" after a date a few days ago. We are both female and I actually thought things were going well!

I'm honestly tempted to message her and ask if there's anything I can do to make myself more appealing. I know people say just be yourself but it's clearly not enough.

The last person I dated ghosted me after six months. I've been single six years since my husband left me. I'm starting to think I'm just unlovable.

Don't do it.

No, don't do that

Another vote for don't do it. You just need to be yourself otherwise it will not work long term anyway.

@Sprig1 I am being myself and it is not working!

I don't intend to develop a whole new personality. I'm just starting to wonder if I'm doing something off putting that I'm not even aware of!

You poor thing. So sorry you feel unlovable. I wouldn't ask for feedback as you're unlikely to get something honest/useful, and will possibly be hurt. It's just chemistry a lot of the time. Work on your confidence instead?

It doesn't matter if you are. Re-frame it as a subconscious filter for those who are not right for YOU. Never be somebody you're not to try and attract/keep people. It's just not sustainable in the long term when you start 'being yourself' again and the person you're with wonders where the person they first started dating went.

Be yourself. Always.

I'm really sorry this happened to you but it's ok for her to decide you're not for her. Maybe she just didn't feel it. This happened to me. I met a truly lovely man and we went on several absolutely brilliant dates but I just didn't get a spark from it at all. I really enjoyed his company but not romantically. He was really upset but it was nothing he did at all! Fortunately we've remained really great friends and he's now married and has a couple of kids, something that wouldn't have happened with me so it worked out fine.

Perhaps the next one to come along will be a better fit? I'd try and work on your confidence first and foremost. Don't ask this one for feedback, it just wasn't right for her. Good luck

@Evaka On the surface I have lots of confidence. I can talk to anyone etc.

I always ensure to ask my date lots of questions. I was making her laugh loads and it all seemed to be going really well.

It's hard not to feel unlovable when you keep getting rejected. It's getting to the point where I wonder if I've got some massive flaw I can't pin point!

Op it’s not a job interview. You can’t get feedback to improve your ‘performance’. It was a date, it didn’t work out. Unless you reeked of BO, or was unpleasant and offensive, or ordered the lobster and champagne, refused to split the bill and then vomited in her handbag, I think it’s safe to say the chemistry just isn’t there

@DatingDinosaur It's not that I want to change my personality. I'm just honestly wondering if there's something about me that put's people off! Do I have an annoying laugh? Am I overbearing? There must be something cos this keeps happening!

"On the surface I have lots of confidence"

Interesting statement. "on the surface"... implies you're trying to be someone you're not. Fake it til you make it sort of thing. Maybe it comes across as TOO confident and people are intimidated by that. Which is fine if under the surface you have lots of confidence too...

It doesnt matter if you are. Eventually someone will come along who loves those things. Thats who you want in your life.
Imagine oh I dont know, you inhale food while snorting loudly.
Your not aware of it. Trying to stop doing it is going to fail at some point.
Wait to meet the person who also inhales food while snorting or is enamoured by it.

I will add I'm full of cold and hungry, and literally shovelling food in whilst trying to breathe. Aka snorting. Partner hasn't left me yet.

@Babadook76 Hopefully none of those things🤣🤣

I actually tried to pick up the tab. She said let's go halves and I knew my fate was sealed.

That's really frustrating. Could you get the perspective of a friend perhaps? If you're overbearing or whatever they might have a view because they know you well x

What one person adores another would find unbearable.
I also think it’s down to subtle nuances which we find attractive.
Your date probably wasn’t feeling it with you.
Nothing you can do Tbh.
Better luck next time.

No don't do it .Sometimes you just don't have chemistry with someone, it doesn't mean you have done anything wrong.

Someone will like you for exactly who you are, you just haven't found that person yet!

@DatingDinosaur I've worked on appearing confident as it's vital for my career. Making others feel at ease is part of my job role!

Obviously I'm not that confident underneath or I'd not be here wondering wtf is wrong with me🙈

It's not a flippin job interview 😂

@Evaka My friends all tell me I'm lovely and there's nothing wrong with me. I guess that's what a friend would say though!

@Ineedaholidayyyy Not sure that person exists tbh. I"m mid forties and still haven't found them.

No no no. No. Do not ask this. For every one person who thinks you are fantastic there will be another 10 who don’t find you appealing to date. It’s a completely useless exercise as it’s irrelevant – it does not matter what it is about you that does not appeal to these people. You are just you and you will attract some and not attract others.

When I was internet dating, there were heaps of people who clearly didn’t want to date me at all, but my (now) husband thought I was the most amazing person he’d ever met.

But it will for the right person!!!

imagine acting in a way not like yourself on the date. Goes well, start to go out. How do you then go back to being yourself again? Or do you stay as this persona forever?

I used to think like you, I really did. I was almost a pick me girl when I was younger.

when I met my husband i was completely and utterly myself and he loved me for it.

the right person will love you for you. Don’t settle for someone you have to change to impress!

I’m definitely ‘too much’ for some people - that’s ok! I’m 💯 myself from the get go as I won’t be changing who I am. I actually don’t think I am too much, but I know my mind, have boundaries and am successful in many ways so that can be intimidating for some people. It’s good to filter out people.
I date men and women, I definitely have women wanting a second date far more than I do, but that’s ok too. They haven’t done anything wrong, I just haven’t felt the attraction.

OP, you sound very self aware so I'm sure you're not doing anything "wrong". I mean, you'd know if you were picking your teeth or saying fuck every other word! Don't ask for feedback, it will creep her out. There are so many women on this forum, and in real life, of all age groups who can't seem to find a partner. It's the way of the world at the moment. Society seems really fucked up to be honest.

OP I think your question is a good one and it’s really not true that everyone should just be themselves and they will eventually find someone who loves them exactly as they are.

Many people have aspects to themselves which are off putting to others and taking the attitude ‘I am what I am and fuck everyone else!’ is quite immature and anti social. For example, a good friend of mine who is gorgeous, charming and successful nevertheless sniffs loudly and constantly and sometimes wipes her nose on her sleeve apparently without thinking.

I am sure you don’t do that OP and you sound lovely, but I think it’s reasonable to ask if you are doing anything to put men off. The problem is, we don’t know because we haven’t met you,