To ask for feedback from my date?

[Iaminthefly]

Just recieved a polite "thanks but no thanks" after a date a few days ago. We are both female and I actually thought things were going well!

I'm honestly tempted to message her and ask if there's anything I can do to make myself more appealing. I know people say just be yourself but it's clearly not enough.

The last person I dated ghosted me after six months. I've been single six years since my husband left me. I'm starting to think I'm just unlovable.

Some people just want to date and not take things further unless it’s 100% totally feeling right,

some people might be dating more than one person at a time and have a better connection with the other person.

I agree that you should be yourself and not ask this person for feedback.

that said, have you got a good old friend you could ask if you’re worried there’s something major that you’re not aware of? Or something that’s easily fixed?
I think people are right you can’t pretend to be something you’re not but it’s great to want to do self improvement and be more self aware

But… you realise that the majority of people you meet in your life aren’t going to be right for you, surely? You wouldn’t expect to meet lots of people and find that they all want to be with you, would you?! I doubt that you have some weird mega-flaw that nobody can tolerate! Most of us could probably be rejected by a dozen dates and, if we asked for feedback, get a dozen different answers. I dumped someone after a couple of dates for the sole reason that he announced he believed ‘there must be something in it’ about astrology. That doesn’t mean he should never express that view to anyone else, though. Some women would agree with him. It was just me that didn’t.

The issue almost certainly isn’t you, so much as just the statistical likelihood of two random people both feeling a spark for each other.

Haven’t you ever met someone for a date and thought “Ah well, she’s nice but not what I’m looking for”? Surely you don’t fall for every single woman you meet? And if you do, do you think perhaps you might be making the mistake of just looking for any girlfriend, rather than the right girlfriend? You’re allowed to be picky too, you know!

Don’t ask that OP.

If you really want to encourage feedback maybe say hope I didn’t offend you or anything?

Or something like that ..?

I definitely wouldn't do this! I have a friend who did a fair amount of online dating and he said he met lots of women who were perfectly nice and good company but there was no 'spark' , just no chemistry or physical attraction. I don't think these things can be forced, it's either there or it's not. So she probably thought you were nice but just didn't feel that spark of attraction. Don't worry about it, keep getting out there and meeting people and you're bound to hit it off with someone 💐

Chances are she probably just didn't feel a spark and that's pretty normal. Would you have honestly wanted a second date with all the others you've met if you were being picky? What about a third?

Don't ask, I don't think she'll tell you the truth if it is something substantive (which probably won't be anything serious, maybe she spends a LOT of time at a hobby/ I don't like the way she eats/ her humour) as that would be not right for her, not the next person.

in asking this question I wondered if your studied confidence is pretty evident seeing as you mention it. That can be noticeable and come across as brittle.if you're leaning on your learned behaviour on a date, maybe tone it down as that isn't quite the real you .

Sorry to add more!! Just remembered who this reminds me of but it's a gentleman I went on a date with before DP. Extremely nice, interesting, successful man, had a lovely time. He was open after a couple of drinks about getting some professional confidence counselling and voice modulation.

However, unfortunately you could tell, and it was off-putting as there was something false about his manner even though he seemed lovely and had kind eyes.

I didn't judge, I got it. He just wanted to do well in life. But from what I gathered, he had worked on appearing confident rather than actually being confident in his own skin so there was a slight disconnect. This kind of thing shows very subtly as in I'd have noticed something amiss even if he hadn't said.

I believe that one has to "kiss a few frogs" until you find the right one !

It is like viewing properties to buy, when you walk into somewhere & it feels like home, that is the one that you buy. It is a similar feeling with people.

I do think that dating is a bit like interviewing for a job, but that YOU have to be the one with what Natalie Lue calls the 'recruiter mindset'. So instead of trying to find out stuff about the other person and put them at their ease so that they will choose you, you instead look to see if they fit into your life, if they share your values, and if you feel a spark with them.

This allows you to take a step back and means you aren't twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to be what someone else wants.

Additionally, people take you at your own valuation. Having a recruiter mindset subtly indicates that you value yourself, and so others place more value on you too.

Of course, it's not a guarantee, but you are more likely to choose someone who really suits you if you come from that place.