To ask for feedback from my date?

[Iaminthefly]

Just recieved a polite "thanks but no thanks" after a date a few days ago. We are both female and I actually thought things were going well!

I'm honestly tempted to message her and ask if there's anything I can do to make myself more appealing. I know people say just be yourself but it's clearly not enough.

The last person I dated ghosted me after six months. I've been single six years since my husband left me. I'm starting to think I'm just unlovable.

Ahh, yes, but you're not at work when you're dating so it's okay to be yourself. I'm confident in my job and utilised that in social settings to hide my nerves. Thus attracting the wrong people to me because they think I'm this outgoing, confident, ballsy person when, underneath, I'm actually a lot more introspective and introvert. I'm allowing this side of me out in public more

I know dating seems like interviewing for a job sometimes but if all you're giving off is a Professional Front then it could be offputting in a social/emotional setting... maybe food for thought?

As long as you’re prepared for a negative response. And negative could be silence, blocking, a snarky response, or genuine feedback..:but keep in mind it’s just that one person’s opinion. You’d have to go on many dates and then turn it into a study whereby you ask for feedback and see what is commonly said. In the process you might find your ‘one’, you might find some serious problem that is fixable, or you might end up with your self esteem in tatters.

@DatingDinosaur I do sometimes wonder if I give off vibes of being that 'strong' that I don't need anyone.

But then whenever I've made myself vulnerable in the past it's worked against me. So I just don't know how to behave anymore...

Oh OP!
Dating is hard. But you either click with someone or you don’t. Don’t let it put you off!
One of my best friends dated 20 people via Tinder back in the day; the 21st she is now married to.

@leopardski It's almost impossible to even get a date when you date women. I think it would take me ten life times to date twenty🤣

I was once asked for feedback. The reason that I didn't want to date the guy was he had greasy hair and dirt under his finger nails. I am pretty sure he knew those points and didn't need me to suggest he washes. I just said I didn't feel we were compatible that's my point it mattered to me but won't to someone else. Honestly when I got a request for feedback I found it annoying.

Hopefully I don"t have greasy hair or dirt under my fingernails🤣

This is a good example of why people on here are wrong to say that everyone is perfect as they are and they will eventually meet the right person. Some people are great, but they haven’t noticed something about themselves that is off putting but could easily be fixed. The problem is few people are willing to tell someone what that thing is.

But it really isn’t helpful to believe that everyone is perfect.

Don't do it. You won't get an honest answer.

I'm dating and just given men very vague and polite 'just not my type' messages when calling it a day. The real reasons I've not followed up with dates have been very different -
One man lied about his height and said he was 5'9" when he was the same height as me and I'm 5'5".
One man was a boring bastard who never left the house except for our boring date
One man called me flower and petal (ick)
One man ordered me doubles instead of singles at a bar
One man didn't like a TV show I loved (it was the final straw TBH!)
One man asked if I own my own house (I very much felt like I was being interviewed for a wife with him)
One made a jokes about gingers (DC is ginger)
One asked me why I didn't put a kiss at the end of a text message when he had put one at the end of his.

I'm allowed to have my own albeit weird standards without needing to explain myself to others!

@Babygrootsdad But I didn't do any of those sorts of things! For both dates I dressed nicely, did my make up etc. Took a genuine interest in her, asked lots of questions, made her laugh and offered to pick up the bill!

I was honest on my OLD profile. All recent pics etc.

I genuinely don't think I'm an offputting dick head yet nobody seems to want me. If I'm doing something wrong I'd like to know what!

Hi OP, don't ask for feedback, you are feeling bruised. FYI, I joined a dating agency along time ago and frequently went on dates that I thought went 'well', only to be told they didn't want to see me again. It's relatively common and natural to want to find out why. Don't do a pm on the situation. Be yourself and you will be OK

@Despair1 I am being myself and I am not doing okay😅😅

I'm going to go against the grain OP and say that I would text. But only because it's female to female.

I think you'd get a more honest and considered response than from a man.

But I wouldn't ask for feedback as such. Maybe dating advice.

I mean, what have you got to lose in doing so. If she was lovely and you got on well then you're unlikely to get an unkind reply 🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe something like

'hey, thanks so much for you message and it was a great evening but I really appreciate your honest text! I wonder if I can be a little bit weird and ask for any dating tips. I've not had much luck if I'm honest and doing a bit of a reflecting on things! I obviously don't want to change who I am but any tips that might improve my chances of a second date in the future would be amazing 😊'

But Im a little bit forthright and tend to do weird things like this 😝

Maybe give off 'unavailable' vibes instead. That seems to draw people in like moths to a flame

Honestly OP, there's nothing wrong with you. You just haven't clicked with anyone yet. If you're meeting through OLD then that just intensifies the expectation that Things Will Work Out from the start and, equally, intensifies the disappointment when it doesn't.

Thing is, it might be nothing to do with you. She might have someone else in mind, or just got back together with an old flame, or just not be feeling it for some reason right now. It's unlikely to be anything you did on the date, anyway- it's just sometimes you don't want to take things forward, that's not a judgement on the whole person forever.

I don't think you should ask- sometimes it's unquantifiable, and you just don't want to go out again.

Maybe you are trying too hard? It can put people off...

Perhaps completely wrong but could she have been put off by the fact that you used to be married to a man?

Maybe concerns about how serious you might be etc?

I agree, when you're focussing on the having been rejected part of this interaction, it seems so important to know whyyyyyyyyyy and i've been in these shoes, you can obsess over it like all the answers are contained within. But it might be something even they aren't aware of, like ''well, I could tell that you liked me and as i:m avoidant but in denial about that i only chase people who don't like me back''

Exactly. Focus on whether you like them enough to see them again, whether they suit you etc. Not ‘Am I good enough for this person?’ or ‘What could I have done better?’ like an underconfident job applicant.

If being you isn't working then you aren't finding the people who find you attractive/appealing.

If you are after a relationship rather than a one night stand then continue to be yourself and be patient. If you are after a one night stand then asking someone who doesn't want a relationship is futile.
It's ok to be who you are!

Don't do it.

It's really disappointing when you think a date went well only for the feeling not to be reciprocated. At least they gave you the grace of a message rather then just ghosting you which seems to be the norm these days.

Welp, I have been on about a kazillion first dates OP. I would say in about 60% of cases neither of us are into the other, 25% of cases they like me but I don't like them, 10% of cases I like them but they don't like me, and in 5% of cases there is a mutual spark.

There's nothing more soul destroying than sitting across the table from a person and watching the interest drain from their eyes. Except watching their interest kindle, with that sick feeling in your stomach that you'll have to let them down at the end of the date.

It's just the way dating is. Most people aren't going to click with most people.

I clicked with someone last night. Second date, and we were snogging on the doorstep of the pub. That's the first time it's happened in two years, and a good 20 or so dates.

The only feedback I ever got (kind of accidentally) was "Your voice didn't sound like I imagined, and your fingernails were painty" (I'm an artist). Turns out he had a near phobia of chemicals, including paint. Probably not a great match for me then! 😆

Are you feeling low in mood? Isolated/depressed? I am wondering if you may need some emotional support from somewhere? I may be completely wrong but why do you feel you aren't doing OK by being yourself?

Do you follow Matthew Hussey? He has some quite good dating advice. On one of his videos he was talking about how people could have any number of random reasons why they didn't want to carry on dating someone. One of the real life examples he gave was 'they had just bought a horse'. No further explanation given. It could be something as absolutely random, and nothing to do with you, as that.

My 2 pence. Maybe you are overly enthusiastic? I think it's better to show interest but be laidback at the same time... kind of go with the flow vibe