Inheritance argument with DP

[Closie]

I’ll start with some background. DP and I have been together for 14 years, lived together for 10. We were both married before and had a son each from our previous relationships. His son is 28, my son is 27. I got divorced, my ex is alive and involved with DS always has been. DPs wife passed away.

Our current home is the home DP and his wife bought together before their son was born. When his wife died the life insurance paid off what was left of the mortgage, covered his sons uni costs and took them on holidays etc.
When I got divorced we sold our marital home, I saved my half and lived in a rental for 6 years as I couldn’t afford a mortgage alone. The money I saved has since been used for DS’ uni costs and gap year.

DP has decided we need to get our wills in order and a point of contention is the house we currently live in. He believes it should be left to his DS in entirety when we both die, his argument being that it was paid for first by his and his late wife’s hard work, then by his late wife’s life insurance so I haven’t actually contributed anything. I disagree, I’ve lived here for 10 years which has prevented me from having an asset of my own and I’ve contributed to upkeep and repairs. I think at the very least it should be 25/75 though ideally 33/66. We have agreed though that however it is split I should be allowed to continue living here if he were to die first.
He also thinks we should leave everything else we have (life insurance or pensions) to our respective children, I think I’m ok with this.
Now I’m not sure if this is clouding my judgement so I will mention that his
DS has recently inherited from his grandparents on his mother side, a 7 figure sum with which he has bought a house outright. Now I know that technically isn’t relevant but it certainly influences how I feel.

So AIBU to think the house should be split between our children in some way, or is he right?

@paywalled

Why do you say he financially supports her? OP could be paying rent to him and half the bills

I said he financially supports her because a previous poster asked her ‘Do you know how much money you've put into the house over the years vs how much money you've been able to save through not paying for rent?’ And she replied ‘I couldn’t say for certain how much, we haven’t done anything massive, but general decorating etc. has come from our joint income’ You’re absolutely right, she could have been paying rent to him as well as half the bills. But I think that if she had been paying rent and half the bills, she would have mentioned it there, rather than just alluding to a bit of casual decorating. She also said that she has gone on some very nice holidays and has been able to go part time. She hasn’t done that, paid him rent and half the bills of a very nice house on a civil service wage, I can guarantee you that.

She could be the one doing most of the domestic work She absolutely could be. And what a good deal it would be in return for living rent free in a nice house and being supported to go part time, just because you want to, rather than because you have to raise a family and childcare is prohibitively expensive.

Until we know their full respective contribution to the home it’s not fair to say she’s lived there rent free and hasn’t contributed much I’m pretty confident that it’s fair to say she’s lived there rent free. And maybe forking out for Farrow and Ball paint rather than Dulux would be a significant contribution in some households. I stand firm in my belief that it’s not worth a third of the man’s house, which is what she wants.

Quite so.

Yes - in a divorce.

But they are not divorcing - they are talking about a Will, and his stance would not be overrruled in court if he leaves HIS property to his DS.

Married people are allowed to have their own property and bequeath it as they choose.

I think if the OP’s DP earns £120k, he will probably have a decent pension pot and probably savings if he has been living mortgage free for over 10 years.

The only thing the OP should be discussing with him is that should he die first, she’s concerned her pension may not cover the upkeep of the property, including heating it. so would he consider making allowance in his will for that, maybe through a 3rd party, so the property is maintained in good order when his son inherits.

I think that’s the most OP can expect.

TBH though, if I was the DP and the OP was not happy that she wasn’t getting a share of my house that she had no entitlement to after I’d offered her to live in it rent free for the rest of her life, I’d be ending the relationship and kicking her out! Too much risk she’d cause issues after my death for my son.

I disagree, I’ve lived here for 10 years which has prevented me from having an asset of my own and I’ve contributed to upkeep and repairs.

Bizarre comment. First of all, financial contributions, upkeep and repairs are a normal part of any living arrangement, whether you're living with a partner, living in your home home, renting, or living with parents. Making financial contributions and upkeep doesn't entitle you to anything.

Second, I don't see how living in his home has prevented you from having an asset (though the very concept of a home being an asset is ridiculous, but that's a conversation for another time). Presumably, living in his home means that your living costs have been a lot lower than if, for example, you had been living in your own home and paying off your own mortgage. Low living costs means you are able to save more. So surely you have been able to save large sums of money in a low cost index fund... which is your financial benefit for living in his house.

Forget inheritance. What happens if he chucks you out?

He’s right. And you shouldn’t put any money into the house otherwise you might indeed have a claim on it. I wouldn’t stay in it after he dies because you’ll be liable for maintenance for a property your son won’t inherit. You’d be better off buying a little place of your own to pass to your son.

You sound horribly grabby. You've had 10 years living for free in a house, going on holidays and only working part-time.

How dare you imagine you and your (already well-funded so ) should benefit from your boyfriend's ex-wife's property.

Shameful.

I think it's all moot now. The OP didn't get the expected answer and hasn't been on for 13 pages.

It doesn’t seem very fair that your son effectively was given an advance on ‘his inheritance’ and now you’re angling after step son’s. Out of interest, did you give any funds to your step son @Closie ?

yes - you're right she went along with it. because that's what happens when someone convinces you it's a good idea. They even convince you that it's YOUR idea. So that makes it ok I guess.

Look - I'm not sure what happened and neither are you. Only a fly on the wall can give us both sides and the fly isn't talking. I'm just wondering what happened to a lot of years of pushing to get things done in women's interest when men have held all the power.

Maybe you're right and it's completely ok that she's got no pension and no money compared to him and is going to be kicked out of the house she's lived in for years. I'm just trying to offer an alternative to all the no sayers who think she's wrong to think she has a right to a house she's lived in and helped to maintain for a significant amount of time.

So on that basis, you think DP’s ex should be pooling his assets in too, to share his inheritance with OP’s stepson? Since you think her DP and his late wife’s assets should be pooled for OP’s DS that would be the only way to make it fair. What if OP’s ex has a new DP and she has DC? Do hers have to be pooled in to? And her exes? Where does it end?

I disagree, I’ve lived here for 10 years which has prevented me from having an asset of my own and I’ve contributed to upkeep and repairs.

Your champagne tastes, lemonade budget and sheer bloody stupidity are the only things that have prevented you from having an asset of your own. And you confirm you’ve done nothing major to the house so having gone halves on some wallpaper isn’t exactly going to have helped pay for any of those nice holidays.

And what is worse is that your greed and stupidity is going to be the thing that makes him think that you’re just a gold digger rather than the loving partner he thought you were and that it’s best to knock you on the head now so that his son doesn’t have to deal with your nonsense after he goes. If you’re sat in a rented bedsit this time next year, you’ll only have yourself to blame.

This. Property to his son.

I am with your DP on this one. You could have saved and bought a property to rent out or made investments to leave to your DC. He hasn’t prevented you from having an asset of your own, if anything he’s enabled it by providing you with free housing.

You could ask for the money back you’ve contributed towards maintenance and repairs, but he could also ask you to start paying our way 🤷🏻‍♀️ I expect the latter would be more costly for you than the money you’d receive.

.

@SmudgeButt

Maybe you're right and it's completely ok that she's got no pension and no money compared to him and is going to be kicked out of the house she's lived in for years. I'm just trying to offer an alternative to all the no sayers who think she's wrong to think she has a right to a house she's lived in and helped to maintain for a significant amount of time

She was given the opportunity of a lifetime. A second chance to stash away her cash, or invest in a property for her future and her son’s future, with nothing to pay in return and no husband demanding half her assets. She would have had a bloody good public pension and a property for her future. And she fucked it. Of course it’s not ok that she’s got nothing and is facing a pretty bleak future when he goes. But this is entirely of her own making. Why should he oblige his son to sell the family home so that he can give her a third of his house?

And now she’s about two minutes away from fucking up her relationship too.

She's got a good pension from her own job and will be allowed to stay in the house after his death, if you read the thread

@Closie technically I don’t think you can lay claim at all, although you could discuss whether you might have a claim on part of the profit made since you moved in. But unless you were paying towards the mortgage I can’t see how you could argue that. Paying towards maintenance doesn’t really count - only big stuff - new double glazing, extension, new kitchen - you could argue that would increase the value and you have earned a share of that but otherwise, not really. His DS’s inheritance from grandparent is irrelevant. I agree with the other assets going to respective kids (pensions etc). I would consider going full time for a bit and trying to save. It’s right that you have the protection of a life interest so you can live there on DP’s death. Did you pay towards other bills or any token amount that was instead of rent?

I would go back full time and build a nest egg for my future/ my son

Surely the size of her pension depends on her earnings. Doesn't going part time reduce a pension because the employer and the employee are contributing less?

If this thread were the OP saying that her DP lived in her house, paid no rent, had gone part time while being subsidised by OP and was after half of her house to give to his son as inheritance, the replies would be “cocklodger”. If you can’t see that, then you’re incredibly naive, narrow minded and not in favour of equal treatment of men and women.

It’s not me who needs the luck, it would suck to have your attitude.

Even the term “Gold-digger” is kinder than cocklodger as it at least implies some effort or exertion. Yet really the two are the same.

It does. And a public pension might be good, but ten years of part time contributions, especially over the last ten years, is going to have decimated it.

You moved in with a boyfriend when your son was already an adult. I can’t see why your boyfriend/now partner would leave him anything in his will, unless they became close and he chose to leave him a couple of thousand reflecting this.

If you want to leave your son an inheritance you need to save one for him - although you might be better to try to help him out with something sooner rather than later when you die as that will likely be a bit late for help with a house deposit for example.

For example if your son is currently saving for a house deposit you could go back to full time for a couple of years and save the difference fir him to add to his deposit.