Inheritance argument with DP

[Closie]

I’ll start with some background. DP and I have been together for 14 years, lived together for 10. We were both married before and had a son each from our previous relationships. His son is 28, my son is 27. I got divorced, my ex is alive and involved with DS always has been. DPs wife passed away.

Our current home is the home DP and his wife bought together before their son was born. When his wife died the life insurance paid off what was left of the mortgage, covered his sons uni costs and took them on holidays etc.
When I got divorced we sold our marital home, I saved my half and lived in a rental for 6 years as I couldn’t afford a mortgage alone. The money I saved has since been used for DS’ uni costs and gap year.

DP has decided we need to get our wills in order and a point of contention is the house we currently live in. He believes it should be left to his DS in entirety when we both die, his argument being that it was paid for first by his and his late wife’s hard work, then by his late wife’s life insurance so I haven’t actually contributed anything. I disagree, I’ve lived here for 10 years which has prevented me from having an asset of my own and I’ve contributed to upkeep and repairs. I think at the very least it should be 25/75 though ideally 33/66. We have agreed though that however it is split I should be allowed to continue living here if he were to die first.
He also thinks we should leave everything else we have (life insurance or pensions) to our respective children, I think I’m ok with this.
Now I’m not sure if this is clouding my judgement so I will mention that his
DS has recently inherited from his grandparents on his mother side, a 7 figure sum with which he has bought a house outright. Now I know that technically isn’t relevant but it certainly influences how I feel.

So AIBU to think the house should be split between our children in some way, or is he right?

Beyond having a home provided, the freedom to go part time and spend her money on things she would not have been able to otherwise? No.

She’s a grown ass woman that made her own choices, the consequences of them are her responsibility.

There's a simple solution to this. It's called getting married.

But surely this is why you shouldn't be financially dependent on a bloke you are not married to, at any age!

OP, I wouldn't be worrying about potential inheritance, I'd be more concerned that if you split with your DP, you have no home of your own or the savings to buy one. I think that would be my concern in your shoes. Your DS is an adult, no one has a right to inheritance. I can see why you're upset though, but there's not much you can do about it.

Yeah, the part time work, holidays and free accommodation for the rest of your life is the supporting bit.

The giving your adult relation who I don't have a relationship with half my shit is not.

Sounds like the OP has very much benefited from her minted DP. A free home for life, only working part time, nice holidays….

Her son, who was an adult when they moved in together, has no entitlement to a portion of his house as well! He has his own father.

I wonder if she’d have been able to work part time, go on nice holidays, and pay for her DS’s gap year and Uni, if she’d had to pay her own mortgage or rent on her own?

How do you know she gave up working full time to spend more time attending to his house and needs? I doubt OP had her arm twisted. Free housing is enough recompense for cooking dinner. If OP didn’t like it, she could always have left.

I think living in a much nicer house than she could ever have bought free of charge, taken on nice holidays, being able to work part time and being able to use her savings to pay for her son's education is a pretty good deal don't you?
Look fact is the OP made some really poor choices. She shouldn't have spent so much of the money from the sale of her property. She shouldn't have gone part time. Age should have invested her money and saved her full time salary.
But no. She chose poorly and now is fretting because she realises the house her partners dead wife's insurance paid for is not going to her and her son in any way.
Nor should it

The issue here is that the house was paid off before she moved in by the ss motgers life insurance

Gun ? No. Expectations because that's what others do.? Yes.

Sorry but does no one know about financial coercion? Or peer pressure?? Or how women bow down to subtle pressure in relationships? ( Not having a go at you blossomtoes)

Why should he subsidise the OP because he earns more money above and beyond what he already has? He’s provided her with a home, presumably a far better home than anything she would be able to afford herself. There is no suggestion from the OP that she paid rent or w en significant bills.

Where is it suggested that the partner persuaded the op to go part time?

Where is the OP’s good sense and free will? Why didn’t she think about the position she was putting herself in going part time, not bothering to save and being profligate with her existing assets?

Where has the OP said she’s been attending to the partner’s house and needs in some sort of housekeeper/SAHM role? What makes you think that has been her role, since there were no children present to being up when she moved in, and no suggestion that her presence has benefitted his career at the expense of her own (as is the case with couples with young children.why there wouldn’t have been).

Just a word of caution in terms of continuing to live in the house if your partner dies first. You need to work out if you will you be able to afford to do so in terms of bills, maintenance, repairs etc. I have a friend who was in this situation and whilst she was allowed to stay on and live in the property she couldn't afford to do so on a pension, with no other income. Whilst this might sound do able in theory you might find the reality is somewhat different.

I have to say I agree with other posts on here and don't see you have entitlement to a share of the property. The property belongs to your DP and his wife and there is no way anyone other than their DS should benefit.

22 pages later, OP hasn't explained how she thinks she's entitled to a third of the property.

Yes, as evidenced by the fact that he’s financially supported her for ten years and is willing to let her carry on living in the house after his death, presumably rent free, rather than let his son turf her out immediately after the Will reading.

The OP gave all her money away to her son, presumably without her partner trying to grab it for himself and his son. She has said herself she has had a lovely 10 years of part time work and lovely holidays. Does that sound like a coercive/financial control to anyone rational?

Does he deserve something on her death if she dies first? Or is it just women you think get wages from marriage?

I’m feeling scared to die actually 😱 … lest someone try to divert my savings from my own dc to done kid I’ve never met and who doesn’t even get on with them.

Not massively, I don’t make as much a DP (35k vs 120k type). I’ve had a nice 10 years, gone on holidays and reduced to part time. Maybe I shouldn’t have done that but I guess I never thought of the future too much
Honestly, OP, you've put yourself in this position. You were too busy enjoying living in a house that someone else paid for, spending your money on holidays, reducing your hours but presumably not changing the lifestyle. How can you actually believe your son deserves part of what gave you those opportunities even though he's never lived in the house and has zero connection to the person whose insurance actually paid for it for HER son. You've profited massively, your son had his education paid for with money you clearly didn't 'share'. Which is fine, no issue there, but your expectations are unrealistic.

I hope that he can see right through you if you now start pushing to be married

Agree!

She's got compensation. She doesn't have to work FT. She has a roof over her head potentially for life that she doesn't have to pay for.

She should have thought about this before she went part-time.

Your lodger comment made literally no sense. You said that, not me. Seems to be you that can’t read/comprehend.

The situation was not totally different at all, I’ve read all the threads with my own eyes. You carry on being a hypocrite. You’re not going to suddenly change my mind by spouting a load of absolute nonsense.

I think there’s a good reason and it’s that DP probably has sought to avoid this very issue.

This totally!

I mean it would be quite grasping to expect her own DS to have a share in the boyfriend’s house even if he had paid for it fully; but with the background of the DSS’ mother’s contributions it becomes outrageous.

YABU here

How on earth has your son got any claim on your DP's house? He has never lived there. You have paid nothing towards it.

You spent your money on your DS - his degree and travelling and I am sure he is very glad, it's more than a lot of students get.

But you haven't saved any extra money during the last decade. Have you been paying loads of rent, is that how it's prevented you from saving up and buying your own property? Or have you been living rent free?