Inheritance argument with DP

[Closie]

I’ll start with some background. DP and I have been together for 14 years, lived together for 10. We were both married before and had a son each from our previous relationships. His son is 28, my son is 27. I got divorced, my ex is alive and involved with DS always has been. DPs wife passed away.

Our current home is the home DP and his wife bought together before their son was born. When his wife died the life insurance paid off what was left of the mortgage, covered his sons uni costs and took them on holidays etc.
When I got divorced we sold our marital home, I saved my half and lived in a rental for 6 years as I couldn’t afford a mortgage alone. The money I saved has since been used for DS’ uni costs and gap year.

DP has decided we need to get our wills in order and a point of contention is the house we currently live in. He believes it should be left to his DS in entirety when we both die, his argument being that it was paid for first by his and his late wife’s hard work, then by his late wife’s life insurance so I haven’t actually contributed anything. I disagree, I’ve lived here for 10 years which has prevented me from having an asset of my own and I’ve contributed to upkeep and repairs. I think at the very least it should be 25/75 though ideally 33/66. We have agreed though that however it is split I should be allowed to continue living here if he were to die first.
He also thinks we should leave everything else we have (life insurance or pensions) to our respective children, I think I’m ok with this.
Now I’m not sure if this is clouding my judgement so I will mention that his
DS has recently inherited from his grandparents on his mother side, a 7 figure sum with which he has bought a house outright. Now I know that technically isn’t relevant but it certainly influences how I feel.

So AIBU to think the house should be split between our children in some way, or is he right?

I’m afraid that’s about the size of it as I see it.

After you sold your house did you spend any of your savings on uni or a gap year for his son? If you only used the money from your house to benefit your son you can’t really expect him to be leaving money from his house to yours!

I think you need to take your relationship for what it is. Your partner is still in love with his dead wife and that's fine. You are a girlfriend that he moved in when the kid moved out which is also fine and i suspect he is a wonderful and thoughtful father and partner.

You have no stake in the house and have had a nice few years. You are not married and have nothing in place should anything happen to him.and if he needs care in the future the house will be sold to pay for this and you will be left with nothing. You urgently need to secure something for yourself or perhaps look at getting married to ensure your future stability.

BTW I'm nog saying there is anything wrong with your relationship it sounds fine and works and you are both happy but you need to consider your future and after that consider your DDs.

OP, if the house was yours would you give your step son a share in it

How ridiculous. They're not married. She has absolutely no legal entitlement to the house.

If the sexes were reversed I think you know what everyone would be saying.
you have massively benefited from living with a widow. The fact that he fully owns his house is because his wife died. The mother of his son. You’ve benefitted via holidays, fancy clothes and choosing to work fewer hours.
poor bloke!

What happened to the much vaunted MN policy of ‘you knew they had a child when you go with them’ and that ‘they should treat the step-child like their own’.

He's not a step-child, his DM isn't married to the man in question she's only his girlfriend.

So not relevant to this post.

YABVU. I don't understand the logic behind why you think your DP should give away any of his house to your DS. Your DP and his deceased wife paid off the mortgage on the house. In the 14 years of being together with your DP, you had opportunities to work full-time, potentially increase your income or invest in a rental home but you made a choice to reduce your hours and work part-time, while putting your savings towards your DS's uni costs and a gap year. Your DP hasn't prevented you from investing, your choices have.

Also, you're in a very precarious position if the relationship breaks down. You're not married and you have no legal rights to the home. Regardless of what your DSS inherits, it has nothing to do with you and for whatever reason it has triggered you.

If this were me, I would not challenge your DP. His decision is fair. I would go back to work full-time, get your finances organised, consult with the financial planner, take out an insurance policy and save/invest aggressively.

I would be livid if this happened to me and the new DP and her son inherited the property that DH and I worked hard for. It should be for their son.

As it stands now, in my DH's situation, the home that MIL lives in was paid for by DH's late father after he passed. MIL lives with her DP but they are not married. Her DP has 2 children of his own and has contributed to the upkeep and repairs of the house but he knows that he is not entitled to it. MIL and her DP are quite practical and had this discussion prior to him moving in. If MIL passes, the agreement is that my DH will inherit the house and her DP will live with his sister. DH would be livid if MIL's DP assumed that a portion of the house would go to his kids.

You are expecting to be treated as if you are married without being married.

You have no legal rights to his property.
And no moral rights either.

You did not help pay off the mortgage, you have not paid rent. You have merely been allowed to live in someone else's house rent free.
Just living there does not give you a claim on a house.

His son is in a financially lucky position to be inheriting from his grandparets and his mother. But obviously unlucky that his mother died.

Your son has a mother who owns no property and a father with other children. They are unfortunatley giong to be in very different positions.

It doesn't make any sense for you to feel that your son is entitled to inherit from a man his mother happens to live with.

You should have got married.

The issue of joint assets would then have been discussed. I suspect your DP hasn't wantde to marry to protect his decesased wifes assets for thier son. Which is probably very sensible of him. There are many stories of children getting disinheritde when parents remarry.

Contributing a bit to its maintenance is a drop in the ocean compared to any rent she would have been paying for half of a similar property. She has no entitlement whatsoever to this man's house.

What age are you, OP? Can you get back to full-time employment and perhaps get an investment property in case things go south in this relationship?

I'm with your Dp on this.
Really don't understand how you think you or your son are entitled to it.
You didn't buy the house and the mortgage was paid off my DSS late mum's life insurance.

Not you are not even married!

If your only concern is that you don't want to lose the roof over your head you can have a will where if he dies before you the house passes to his son but you have the right to live there until you die or go into care. He will not be able to sell it until then.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick simplest would have been for OP to pay a reasonable monthly sum to her DP, equivalent to her half share of renting the house, and her DP paid for renovations etc

How did DP respond to your view op?

yes because what women contribute to a house is nothing compared to the money a man pays for it.

What you've spent around the house you've saved in paying rent and much more I'd presume! If I was him I'd consider this a huge red flag!

Yup, sorry op but I think I’m with your partner. The house his his and his sons. You have benefited by working part time and not having mortgage/rent payments. You could have considered your sons inheritance ten years ago, but you’re not one to think too much about money (i think you said upthread) so here you are. Start planning now if this is really bothering you.

Why did you use your savings to pay for DS's uni (there are loans, and most people take these) and a gap year (not a necessity IMO)? This money could have been invested in buying a property of your own and paying a mortgage providing an inheritance which would then go to your DS. You cannot realistically expect your DP, to whom you are not married, to give your DS, who has no legal relationship with DP, part of what is his DS's inheritance from his parents, most particularly his DM. Maybe a 20% share for your investment, but there is no obligation to do this and if you cannot prove the investment you are on a sticky wicket if DP suddenly dies. NB Your being able to stay in your DP's house if he does die first is totally dependent on him making a will giving you a life interest in the house, otherwise his DS can sell it, and you will have little recourse in law, perhaps some of the sale money re your paying various bills. One hopes you have kept note of all the things you have paid for btw.
NB This is one reason why people get married, inheritance then much simpler e.g. no inheritance tax for a widow/widower.

Hi Op, I totally can understand how you feel in the best interests of your son. However, it seems that whilst you have contributed to upkeep/repairs etc, how much was that? I presume that you didn't pay rent ( which takes up an enormous part one's salary) , were you able to save a substantial amount?
I understand that your partner's son has inherited an enormous amount of money and that clearly affects what you perceive to be fair( understandably, I think).
Also, your partner has stated that you can live in the house if he should die b4 you which seems fair.

This, time to focus on feathering your own nest OP!

You've made poor financial choices and that will mean your son is unlikely to inherit much. Where's the equity gone from your half of your marital home with your son's father? You could've invested that, bought a rental etc. You say you've lived a nice life over the last ten years, and you've chosen to go part time, your partner is financially subsidising you, you've saved a fortune on rent alone. You can't then also expect him to fill the gaps in your lack of inheritance planning for your son, from a property his dead wife's life insurance paid for, before he even knew you.
YABVU

I agree with your dp. Image you had a house paid off and got together with dp . Would you leave it equally to your son and your dp son. Yabu. You benefited from no rent for ten yeara

She already has life interest and part of the reason he is outearning her is she fancied dropping down to part time!!!