To struggle with this friendship because of the sheer inequality?

[friendssship]

I know I’m probably being unfair. I have a new friend I met while we were both pregnant, I’ve been back at work a year now, as has she. We became quite close and speak every few days at least via text.

Her life is so so so easy in comparison. She logs in from home 99% of the time and will shower in peace over her lunch break or go to the shops in peace etc. She will do all admin for the home and hoover or clean the kitchen. Her house is always spotless. She works for a company in a professional role and her salary must be well above 50k. I earn 40k and I am slogging my guts out in the nhs. Last week she had to go in for a meeting and was telling me she was ‘going to have to find’ 30 quid for travel and parking… I have to pay for parking daily. I have no time at all, the moment I am home after collecting dd I am on the go with dinner and Bath time.

she has gone to nursery early to collect her child and mine is in until the latest moment as I just can’t leave work early and get away with it! I’m really struggling to maintain the friendship which I know is NOT her fault at all… I guess I just want to rant. It’s so much harder for mothers who can’t work from home when they have young kids. My life really couldn’t be more stressful in comparison to hers and I feel like it’s a constant reminder whenever we chat in the week. I don’t want to lose her as a friend, I wonder if maybe she doesn’t actually realise how bloody difficult it is when you can’t work from home?!

Op I don't understand but why does she need to understand how difficult it is not working from home? Has she made offensive comments to you about your time management, has she not listened to you when you are stressed , has she imposed on you when you very busy? Everyone's lives are different, she can only know amd talk about her own stuff really because it sounds like her easy life existence (in your mind) is what's annoying you rather then anything she's doing to you personally. My recommendation to you would be to get over this and fast. I'm not saying that to be mean.

Envy is an ugly emotion. If you don't like your life circumstances change them.

I wonder if maybe she doesn’t actually realise how bloody difficult it is when you can’t work from home?!

She does, and that's why she's not in the office?

Despite what some people like to pretend, in many jobs you have to be MORE productive when WFH, it's not enough than just showing your face and gossip all day around the printer or making rounds of tea. You show results.

Most people who WFH do get it, they really don't want to go back in the office.

It's only a few office roles that can be done remotely anyway. If you are that miserable, nothing stops you from changing career path and find solutions to WFH too.

Don't blame people for having made different choices in life, no one forced you to chose your career.

Is it possible you’re a bit down at the moment? You’re going to hate me, but when I feel like life’s not fair I have to remind myself to be grateful for what I DO have. Maybe write something down every night that you are glad about.
also, everyone has their own sh1t. You might not see hers, or it might not have happened yet, but we all have something to deal with no matter what is happening on the surface.
If you said to her “gosh I envy your perfect life!” I bet she’d tell you why it’s not perfect.
I am sorry you’re feeling like this though.

You're envious and bitter that, as far as you're concerned, she has a moderately nicer life than you. If you can't cope with that, then don't be friends with her; you're not obliged to and if I were in her position, I would rather someone ended a friendship than resented me for having a slightly better paid job with a WFH arrangement.

Seriously, what do you actually want her to do?! Do you want her to apologise every time she mentions work, or something?

I understand why you feel like you do when your life feels so bloody hard. Can you add more self care into your life, more time somehow to look after yourself, you would then feel much better about your friendship.

Your envy highlights what is missing in your own life, and that is okay. It needs addressing that is all.

If you are going to restrict yourself to making friends only with people who are completely equal to you, you are going to have very few friends.

This is due to working in the public sector. I think you should be aiming your thoughts at a new job sector if it no longer works. I have worked in a similar role and know how overworked and underpaid most employees are. It’s not your friends fault her life is easier.

I mean, it’s not really the definition of “sheer inequality” is it? She earns a little bit more than you and works from home.

You sound unhappy.

I’ve felt like this about people whose babies slept when mine didn’t. Who have cleaners when I didn’t. It is hard when things feel really tricky and others appear to have it easier but you need to either make changes in your life or focus on thinking about it differently.

WFH can be very isolating, it's not all sunshine and rainbows.

I am actually in the rather pathetic position of my dog having the label of my very best friend, rather than another human. I can't imagine how much I would struggle without her company.

I guess when it becomes too much for me I would just have to find another job. Same goes for you, really.

It's a sad day when we feel so badly towards those that are meant to be our friends.

Inequality can make friendships difficult, sure. One of my DC has a serious MH issue that has quite honestly torn our world apart and the future is scary and uncertain. I do find it hard to spend time with friends whose lives are simpler in comparison. But I do it because they are good people who I value and who deserve my friendship, and our situation isn't their fault.

Ending a friendship because a friend is a bit less stressed and earns a bit more than you? Do you really think that's sensible?

The difference between £50k and £40k is £600 take home. A higher mortgage or utility bills/car loan can immediately wipe that out. You may have more spare cash than her. Are you factoring in partners earnings? Even so, this is your unhappiness rather than her happiness.

Came to say this too. I do find it hard,also in the nhs looking at friends wfh,go to the gym,pick kids up from school etc.

I have been looking for a job at my grade at home for 2 years now but none Have came up that i can even apply for

I wish I was on 40k...

I work all the hours god sends in an NHS sdec unit. I'm also a single parent. I'm exhausted 99% of the time

I have very little free time. But I genuinely can't think of anything worse than working from home.

My mental health would be in absolute pieces.

The grass is not always greener.

You won't have many friends in life if you end your friendship through jealousy. If you aren't happy with your work/ life balance that's your problem not hers.

And remember that 'comparison is the thief of joy' ! I apply that as much as possible in my own life with varying levels of success

I think it can be very difficult to be friends with someone who has a much easier run through life. It can grate and for your own mental health, it might be better to distance yourself. I do find it difficult to sympathise for example when people who fly business or first class whinge and whine about how tired they are travelling and how exhausting it all is. I think it’s sensitivity to context. Whining to someone who is in a much more challenging situation ( or even sharing your experience eg: parking money) grates because the other person just can’t relate. That’s why social classes are split etc. No tradesman is going to feel sorry for a billionaire.

I get you, I promise and so do many other people. Several of my friends and colleagues have experienced the same. As hard as it is, you need to take care of yourself and try not to compare. I know from experience the manic lifestyle associated with working full time and arranging childminder drop off's etc
and having no time for the 'luxury' of a hair appointment ( or money sometimes; single parenthood!)!
As they say 'comparison is thief of joy' and this applies to so many aspects of life. Please try not to compare, BW

So why do you think it’s an obstacle to your friendship?

You’re looking at one aspect of her life (wfh) and just focusing on that. I do both and the only difference is that on office days I have 1 hr a day to myself to listen to podcasts and I don’t have to try and do chores on my breaks.

I thought you were going to say she didn’t work at all or something. It’s hardly a massive difference. As someone else has asked - where is your partner? Why aren’t they helping?

OP, you know you are being unreasonable.

My friend from NCT has two boys at a top flight public school. She runs the family business and has a lovely life with her husband as far as I know. I'm a single mum. Our lives couldn't be more different but it doesn't change the fact that she's lovely, kind and supportive, and we get on great. And anyway I'm sure she has her worries too.

You need to look at feeling better about your job - perhaps changing or going for promotion - rather than resenting your friend.

Whether she realises how fortunate she is or not, it makes no difference to your life. I'm sure if she demonstrated she realises by referring to it you'd be just as irritated with her for boasting or patronising you. She could do right here, because she's doing nothing wrong other than showing yiu how much easier life can be and you're making her the scapegoat for the challenges in your life. If I were you, it's my job I'd think about changing, not my friend.

I'm assuming you knew you would not be working from home when you had your child so I don't get why you are now annoyed at people who get to work from home. I'm so fed up of people finding the person who they think has it better than them and jealously fixating on them rather than considering the MILLIONS who are living in appalling situations.