To struggle with this friendship because of the sheer inequality?

[friendssship]

I know I’m probably being unfair. I have a new friend I met while we were both pregnant, I’ve been back at work a year now, as has she. We became quite close and speak every few days at least via text.

Her life is so so so easy in comparison. She logs in from home 99% of the time and will shower in peace over her lunch break or go to the shops in peace etc. She will do all admin for the home and hoover or clean the kitchen. Her house is always spotless. She works for a company in a professional role and her salary must be well above 50k. I earn 40k and I am slogging my guts out in the nhs. Last week she had to go in for a meeting and was telling me she was ‘going to have to find’ 30 quid for travel and parking… I have to pay for parking daily. I have no time at all, the moment I am home after collecting dd I am on the go with dinner and Bath time.

she has gone to nursery early to collect her child and mine is in until the latest moment as I just can’t leave work early and get away with it! I’m really struggling to maintain the friendship which I know is NOT her fault at all… I guess I just want to rant. It’s so much harder for mothers who can’t work from home when they have young kids. My life really couldn’t be more stressful in comparison to hers and I feel like it’s a constant reminder whenever we chat in the week. I don’t want to lose her as a friend, I wonder if maybe she doesn’t actually realise how bloody difficult it is when you can’t work from home?!

Thank you for your opinion/perception, BW

You envy how easy her life is, and I don't blame you! I would feel just the same.

It's up to you to decide if you can keep on with the friendship.

I think the problem is with your job not with her. Not all WFH jobs are like your friend’s, some people earn minimum wage, some are so busy they barely have to stop for time for lunch, some have to take international calls in the middle of the night, some don’t say one word to a human for 8 hours a day. Presumably she worked hard to get to the point of having an “easy” role if she’s on 50k+.

If you absolutely cannot change your job then yes let the friendship fade, if you can then use the jealousy to fuel finding a less full-on role rather than allowing it to fester as resentment

I have a friend who is sometimes quite mean to me for similar reasons I think. She thinks I have such an easy life etc but I’ve had very bad trauma from childhood abuse and I have a disability. Of course I put on a smiley face and look v capable to the outside world but I have my own problems. She often poo poos them and compares them to her own situation like it’s misery bingo.

I think you should take care with this not to be inadvertently mean to her because of your own feelings. Life really is utterly unfair at times. But that’s how it is. The most deserving don’t always get what they should, I learned that very young and that’s the best thing you can do really. Change what you can, accept what you can’t.

All my NCT friends have family support nearby. They get time with their partner, have had nights away and get reliable childcare during the week. We don’t live anywhere near family so we get none of that. It’s hard. I am envious of the help they get. However, stopping being friends with them because their life objectively looks easier would be cutting my nose off to spite my face. Why would I purposefully deprive myself of their friendship when they have been a tremendous support during the early days of parenting?

@LoveWine123 i literally said in my post that it’s not her fault!

Literally everyone in the comments is saying OP is jealous of her friend. Its obvious.

Are you single op? Why isn't your partner doing more so you have some time to yourself?

Rather than moan that she has it too easy and she should understand how hard it is for people with "proper" jobs, what changes are you trying to make?

In the kindest possible way OP, it sounds as though you need to realise that life isn't fair. There'll be so many occasions in your life that you'll come across people that you'll feel are "ahead" of you (in your mind at least) and there'll be plenty of times in life people will look at you and think you are somehow "ahead" of them. You've heard of the phrase "comparison is the thief of joy" - concentrate on your own life and find ways to get joy out of it, even if it's in the small things.

My husband’s job can be done from home, and on the days he does WFH, he doesn’t stop. My job is public facing and I don’t stop either; I work HARD and yes I’m out the house from 7:30-5 or whatever, but he often eats lunch at his desk when he’s in the house. Very rarely does he have time for a work out or to do house / life admin. He’ll regularly start before 8 and finish after 6. And this is a job that cats well too, so I suspect these high salary low stress WFH positions really aren’t that common. Maybe she’s not being entirely honest about her days or the help she gets because I’m not convinced WFH is as easy as this sounds for most people!

You’re not happy with your choices, that’s not her fault. Surely everyone goes into the NHS knowing it will be shit. Hence the shortage and hence you’re all angels!

You don't really know what goes on in someone else's head or life.

I can tell a friend of mine thinks my life is easier, and it's annoying tbh as my life is stressful but in other ways. My mental health affects my life but I don't really go on about it to her for that same reason.

This is about you and your life, if it's making you this unhappy you need to look into that and not compare, it wont help and could ruin this friendship.

You just sound jealous.

Some of my friends have very admirable jobs and very comfortable lives.

Fair play to them obviously

@Despair1 thanks for understanding. I think this is it really. It’s the hair appointments too!! She just does what she fancies and then will say I need to look after myself etc…. I know she is being lovely and kind in saying that but I despair that she doesn’t seem to get that I actually do not have time to even clean the bathroom some weeks, let alone stroll off to get a haircut.

i know it’s not her fault in any way at all, it just feels really shit.

I don't think anyone who doesn't work for the frontline NHS has any idea how stressful it is, and different from all other careers.
I'm always utterly gobsmacked by the nurses and medical staff at hospital. 12 hours shifts, hardly any breaks. I was very admiring and impressed.

Maybe your friend won't fully understand your struggles, but I hope she'd be kind enough to listen and have empathy. When something goes wrong for her I'd hope you'd be able to do the same.

It could be that maybe if you're comfortable, she could help out a bit with childcare, maybe picking up your kid and having them for a few hours sometimes to give you a breather on the precious hours your not working. Try and see the fact your lives are very different as a potential advantage.

Why do you have such a bitter and jealous view of others?

I would work on that.

I had a traumatic birth, premature baby who is disabled. Multiple health issues myself. No family support (and past abuse). PTSD. Had very little money and had to do everything myself with an ill baby who puked all over me multiple times a day and never slept. Felt like I was barely alive for years.

Imagine you were my friend. I could look at you and think what an easy life you have without all the stuff Ive had to deal with. How would you feel if I ended our friendship because your life is easier than mine?

Apply for a new job WFH op x

Don't want to be jumped on for being out of touch but the difference between £40k and £50+k is literally £800 to £1k+ a month? I know that extra bit of £ can make a big difference, but equally it's not exactly the Prince and the Pauper.

Totally 10000% sympathise with the work setup though. I've always thought blue collar (or on-the-ground white collar) jobs are infinitely harder than white collar jobs in many ways, and should be remunerated as such.

If you can’t be friends with anyone who has it easier than you, and others who have it harder than you feel the same way about you, you’ll quickly run out of friends.

Yeh ….. she doesn’t need friends like you .

So someone has to also be struggling for you to want to be their friend…?

Stop being so resentful and jealous, and start looking at ways you can make positive change in your own life.

Yep same, traumatic birth, disabled child plus 2 younger children. Eldest needs 24/7 support even though he’s now an adult yet some friends have told me I’m lucky that I don’t have to work 🙄

YABVU. It's not unfair. You chose your career path, she chose hers. Your salaries aren't a million miles apart. She works from home - so do a lot of people these days! I'm a teacher - I can't wfh either. It's the job I chose. It has upsides and downsides, like most jobs.

The only person your envy hurts is you. I presume no one held a gun to you head and compelled you into your chosen career?

You’ve now seen there’s another option. A job which pays more than your’s, with flexibility and less stress. Many people work in this way. Work doesn’t have to mean drudgery, for many it’s a positive part of their life. You can now choose whether to stick with your chosen career, look for another role you are qualified for or retrain. If you’ve only just had your first child, you are probably no more than halfway through your career and if it’s not working for you, now’s the time to make a change. You’ll meet many, many more people like your friend and if you sever ties with all of them, you are in for a very limited social circle.