How late to let a 12 year old stay out

[DoodleDragonD]

DS (12) just had a friend call for him to come out to play (8.45pm) It’s pouring down and his friend was soaked. AIBU to think that it’s too late for DS to go out and for his friend to be out? DS had just had a bath and was in his PJs. He’s in year 7 in comp and quite a few of his new friends seem to be out all hours and left to their own devices a lot. What’s a normal curfew for a 12 year old? Is going out to play at nearly 9pm way too late?

Too late for a school night but in the holidays, I (and everyone else) was always allowed out until it got dark.

We tend to wind things down at 8:30 - both screens and hanging out with friends unless it’s a special occasion.

I think for most adults, heading out to start the evening at 9pm is pretty late, unless your uni age and heading clubbing.

The OP wasn’t talking about a sports club though which I think makes a difference.

But that's entirely different. At a safe place, with known friends, good weather etc.
Hanging round the street in the rain with unknown people is an entirely different scenario

Interesting replies. I virtually never see children out after about teatime. Was out last night at 9 and saw a handful of adult dog walkers only. Went past a park, housing estates etc. safe area, beautiful sunny evening. Doubtless there are 12 year olds at organised activities (dropped off by parents in the car) but I don't think most people are letting pre teens out alone after about 7.

I’d say 9pm on a school night in summer. Perhaps 10 on a sunny weekend.

Can’t quite understand why the fact that I allowed my DD out at riding club with her pony and friends on nice, light summer evenings offends you so much.

This must be the most disingenuous post I’ve read this year. How on earth can you compare what you describe (and years ago, too!) with a child going out for ad hoc hanging around the streets, possibly prey to all manner of unwelcome temptation and danger, right now in 2024 in a clearly very different context? You should be ashamed to have added such a confusing and unhelpful post to the thread.

@DoodleDragonD parenting does sometimes involve making yourself unpopular with your children’s friends. I can’t think of any good reason why a 12 year should be leaving the house at that time of night to wander about with no planned or supervised activity, particularly given: lots of much older teens that hang around in the park smoking/drinking and I wouldn’t be comfortable with knowing he’s out getting mixed up in stuff.

I would be questioning the parenting of the boy who came to the door. Did his parents even know where he was? Did they care?

It does sound as if you’re going to need to be proactive in making sure your son has organised activities to use his energy and time, so he never has the option of hanging around the streets or parks at night.

There's no way I'd be letting my 12 year old out to roam the streets at 9pm and especially in the pouring rain!
I think that you encourage him to have had a bath (gold star just for that one! 😁) and into pj's and then settling to watch a film together is promoting strong family values.
Twelve year olds shouldn't be left wandering about and potentially getting involved with 'the wrong crowd'.
Playing sports or going to an activity is different obviously.

You do realise that because all of the "good kids" are in the issues become more concentrated?

I live in a safe enough European capital. It is perfectly typical to see them at the skatepark, hanging in a group kicking a ball chatting just spending time with their peers. Getting food, drinking the gallon water bottles, doing their hitt class etc

They are doing what generations of us did and managed to not get into any trouble. The automatic assumption is a societal issue, you are judging social people who may go on to be your doctor, vet, nurse, social worker.

I would ask everyone who has that first negative thought to explore why is it negative? Is it justified? Because whether ye like it or not, teens having unsupervised time is a developmental norm and is required for them to make small mistakes to learn before they become adults.

Small mistakes as in indiscretions not criminal acts to be clear.

That is quite late especially in the rain on a school night!
I let my 9 year old play out until 8pm last night because it was actually sunny for once, and it was straight to bed afterwards. Also very close to end of term.
My 13 yo goes to bed sometime between 9-10 but I wouldn't let her stay out past 9pm especially on a school night, and in winter earlier before it gets dark.

We only have your word that your child has turned out OK. I work in a school so my opinion is based on the 80 children we have that have similar parenting styles and children who are consistently badly behaved.