Can't afford to get engaged

[Feelslikewereonlygoingfaster]

My partner of 4 years wants us to be committed but I just don't think we're in a good financial position.
I know the heading sounds a bit stupid but I just know he wants to get married and have kids.
We live in a studio flat and I earn minimum wage, I don't see myself ever earning more or doing better.
He keeps saying I wouldn't need to worry about wedding costs etc. But I just don't know.

If it doesn't feel right, and that's what it sounds like really, just don't.

Is the cost really why you're not comfortable?

Totally this.

@Feelslikewereonlygoingfaster - you seem very passive. What exactly are your life goals, and what are you doing to achieve them? Same goes for your BF who seems way too focused on having kids. What is he doing to improve his prospects?

Everything about life gets WAY more difficult and challenging once you have children. Therefore I strongly urge you to focus on getting your careers sorted - both of you!! - before contemplating becoming parents.

The engagement, at this point, is not a priority - although personally I'd not get pregnant without getting married first.

If ,after 4 years together, you don’t feel up to committing to him then give him clarity and either explain you are not ready, if he chooses to wait ,or give him the opportunity to move on.

Only you know, but from what you have written, you sound lukewarm about this.

Are you in love with him? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

Reading between the lines it seems that you are not sure about marrying him. Maybe you’re not quite ready to admit that to yourself? Could that be the case here? An engagement doesn’t have to cost anything and marriage can be done very cheaply so it can’t be about the cost.

This

I think that after 4 years together most people are thinking about marriage and what they want for the future. The reality is that your boyfriend wants to get married.
You know if you get married he wants a child. At the moment your living in a studio apartment, your on a 0 hours contract in a min wage job and he is earning £28 k a year.
He is telling you we can have a child band we can get benefits and his parents will help out.

I don't think you want to have a child in your current circumstances. You don't need an expensive wedding but I would not bring a child into the world until your financial situation improves. You need to do further training to get a better job, work on building up both your careers and savings before having a child.

I have seen couples who waited a few years to improve their careers, earning potential and savings before a wedding and child. Several of them bought an apartment or house. Once you have a child or two you can borrow less on a mortgage.

Also depending on benefits is not a good idea because your going to be made look for and take up work. Children get more expensive each year. With the current cost of living people I know with child are finding it harder to pay the bills.

Putting aside the issue of whether you even want to marry him...

Has he done a full budget on how much it would cost to raise a child? Because he seems the 'everything will be fine' type who doesn't plan but just assumes magic money and help will appear.

Why don't you sit down and make a long term plan and budget together? Cost of the wedding, use EntitledTo to find out the benefits you'd get, maternity leave, pension contributions during your mat leave or if either of you go part-time, ask whether grandparents are even willing to help, if not there how much does childcare cost, education costs, etc.

Growing up in poverty isn't fun, plan to avoid it.

You've mentioned you don't know twice
If you wanted to marry him, then you wouldn't need to post
How old are you? Would you like DC?
I think you need to chat with DP
It's the marriage that counts not the wedding in my opinion. You can get married for approximately £200 in your lunch break if you want

Jeez Louise, OP.

All these replies and you won't answer any of the important questions about your age or whether you want DC (or him). You just came back and repeated "I don't really know".

Come on. People are trying to help you.

What don't you know? Whether he's the right one? How you feel about marriage? Children? Why don't you think your wages will improve? What are your ambitions? I hat sector do you work in?

Three questions to answer, just for yourself, not for us.
Do you want to get married to this man?
Do you want kids, either now or further down the line?
With him?
Once you're clear on those I think it'll all fall into place. As others have said you could marry for peanuts. You don't have to have kids if you marry. You don't have to marry to have kids. If you do want kids and can't afford them, start working on how to earn more.
But the first step is to work out what you actually want.