Can't afford to get engaged

[Feelslikewereonlygoingfaster]

My partner of 4 years wants us to be committed but I just don't think we're in a good financial position.
I know the heading sounds a bit stupid but I just know he wants to get married and have kids.
We live in a studio flat and I earn minimum wage, I don't see myself ever earning more or doing better.
He keeps saying I wouldn't need to worry about wedding costs etc. But I just don't know.

He says that we are both working and there's no reason why we can't afford 1 child.
He isn't pressuring me, just trying to reassure me. I just don't know.

Well, the question is do you actually want to have children? If not and you're happy to potter along as you are that's fine.

If you want children increasing your earnings can be done if you want it to. It doesn't sound like you're that bothered though?

You're working now but if you're on a 0 hours contract you won't get maternity pay, what will you do then?

I raised a child on a low income and I wouldn't encourage it to be honest, it's not fun. The cost of things like school uniform and school trips run into the hundreds every year. DS's school blazers were £33 each.

Nowhere in this thread does it seem like you want to have children. You talk about expectations, but not about e.g. how you wish you felt you could.

If you don't want kids, or even if you're not sure, that's fine, but your partner needs to know that.

If you do want kids then I apologise for misunderstanding you.

How old are you? If you're still in your 20s or early 30s it completely makes sense to wait until you're financially more secure before having kids. The getting engaged bit costs nothing but tbh in your situation I would prioritise saving money and getting a bigger place to live before spending money on a wedding

Getting married is not expensive! There are women out there desperate for their partner to propose, its nice that your partner wants commitment.

He is partly right re the cost of kids. There's never a perfect time. But i would say zero hours work is a bit insecure, if you've got time on your side no harm trying to improve your finances and save yourselves a cushion before taking the plunge.

It seems like your reluctance here is really about the kids issue. Do you want to have children? Because not having them is a valid option.

Or maybe it's more that you do eventually want children, but just not now given your financial situation?

Or maybe you're not sure yet?

Whatever the answer is, I think you're right to be cautious about committing to marry someone who may or may not have the same attitude towards children as you do. It's one of those issues that in my opinion it's never a good idea to compromise on, as it only leads to resentment.

You can afford to get engaged.

You can get rings in Argos for £20 or go to a charity shop and get a second hand one.

You can then have a registry office marriage.

But you are not ready and that’s fine.

Tell him you aren’t ready just yet and spend the next 12 months getting a better job.

Ask him to discuss it again in 12 months time and then if it’s still a no, then he can choose leave if he doesn’t want to wait for you any longer.

These are two completely separate things. They can get the marriage done at barely any cost.

OP you've said "I don't know" three times now. Are you waiting for MN to tell you? We can't do that.

What does your future look like, who can say but if you want to wait until everything's 'just right' before moving forwards you might find life goes on without you. Surely being young and in love and engaged (if marriage is what you want) is part of building your lives together, you move on up together, grow in your lives and in your careers, together.

So I would say that if it's not a happy 'Yes!' or even a slightly "oh my goodness is this really happening 'Yes' " then really it's a No from you, at this time anyway. And that's a conversation you need to have with your BF.

I don't see myself ever earning more or doing better.

Can you expand on that? Why do you feel that way?

I agree with your DP. You’re not going to do stuff if you don’t do stuff, you know? Just do it and things work out. First step - get engaged, free of charge. You can do that right now, tonight, sitting on the sofa, you don’t even have to move other than speaking.
Second step, maybe explore work options.

If you don't want to marry him and have kids with him, be honest. He deserves that much.

Look tbh you don’t sound interested in committing. He wants marriage and children - fairly normal after being together in what he thinks is a stable relationship. You don’t for whatever reason. An engagement can cost almost nothing - and yet you are still unsure - which tells me you don’t actually what it. That’s FINE. You need to rethink your relationship. Good luck.

So why is that stopping you getting engaged?
Having children isn't part of getting engaged.

If you are saying you don't feel in a place you feel you can afford to raise a child that's a different thing altogether but I'm not seeing why that's a reason not to get engaged.

If you don't want to get engaged you don't have to invent reasons. It's ok to say to him you aren't ready for that yet.

If you want to be married, then you can do it at cost. If you're making it all about cost, then it is a wedding you want, not marriage.

My partner says we'd manage fine with 1 child as we'd be entitled to support, and we also have a lot of support from his parents.

I suggest that you check to see if you would indeed be entitled to support and how much support.

I also think having kids, depending on family support (either financial or otherwise) isn't a good idea.
Things can change and this people will no longer be able to assist. It's your responsibility and you both need to be able to do it.

Is there no chance you can get a better job? Minimum wage and zero hours must be difficult.

Can you give a child the life you would want to as a parent? Everyone has different standards for what they want and they're is no right or wrong....it's just about the life YOY want for your future child.

You're not keen on any of it, are you? Not the getting engaged, married or having kids. So don't!

Well you can't really....as soon as you and partner jointly decide to get married....you are engaged.

Your partner is right that there is never a “right” time for these things, my wedding cost me £4K a few years ago so you can marry on a budget if it is the marriage, rather than a big wedding that is important to you both. I think the key here is to have a conversation to air your points of view clearly and any reservations you have, e.g. are the expectations after marriage that you would have a child immediately, or would you prefer to wait etc…?

You both sound reasonable and sensible, just make sure you listen to each other and plan a way forward that works for you as a couple 😊

Do you love him? Spend your life with him? Try for kids when it's feasible? Go for it, you only live once. If not, let him know he deserves that.

You haven't said how old you are.

I think if you're young, you can feel under pressure to have everything sorted and boxes ticked by the time you're 30, which is pretty unrealistic for most of us.

I had a few serious relationships lasting several years but I only got married in my late 40's after I'd had a child and decided my DH was 'the one'

To me, marriage is nothing to do with fancy frocks and a big party. We got married in a registry office with just a handful of guests and a nice simple lunch afterwards. I didn't bother with a formal engagement or wedding ring as such although I do wear a ring. Stuff isn't what matters.

This! What do you want from this thread? You keep saying 'I don't know'. Well we sure as hell don't!

Do you secretly not really love him, not really want to spend the rest of your life with him, and not really want children? In which case tell him. Stop saying 'I don't know' and making crappy excuses.

The thing is do you want to share your life with him forever?

The question is OP - do YOU want kids?

I do think its really good to be sensible about finances, especially before having kids! But it doesn't need to cost much to get married, I think it cost us £250 for the license and registry ceremony (6 years ago). We've never had a lot of money but we've saved up and been sensible and now have a DD 😊 If you're keen to have kids, could you be keeping an eye out for jobs with good maternity benefits?