Can't afford to get engaged

[Feelslikewereonlygoingfaster]

My partner of 4 years wants us to be committed but I just don't think we're in a good financial position.
I know the heading sounds a bit stupid but I just know he wants to get married and have kids.
We live in a studio flat and I earn minimum wage, I don't see myself ever earning more or doing better.
He keeps saying I wouldn't need to worry about wedding costs etc. But I just don't know.

39 years ago we got married for less than £250. Still married.

Getting engaged doesn’t cost anything, it’s an agreement between the two of you, that’s that, a ring is optional.

Getting married can be minimal fuss & expense at a registrar office.

You don’t gave to have a child immediately.

I don’t see the issue unless you don’t see a future with your partner.

You’re very passive, OP. Do you want to marry him? Do you want to have children?

DH and I both earnt under 28k when we got engaged. We used inherited rings for my wedding and engagement rings so they were free bar resizing. You don't need rings at all or you can buy a lower budget engagement ring now and upgrade. There are so many nice ones.

We saved up for our wedding to have what we wanted. Weddings are as cheap or as expensive as you make them - the point is the marriage. You can do that in the registry office with no bells and whistles if you like.

Children... it may or may not happen. You both may earn more money by the time it does.

How old are you both? Where about in the uk do you live? Why can't you work towards a better paid job? What's holding you back? OSS it lack of qualifications etc?

Why can’t you see yourself earning better?

I wouldn’t have children without attempting to improve myself financially first.

I think the wedding costs is a red herring here.
The questions are

1. do you want kids?
2. if so, do you want them with him?
3. if so, when?

If you do both want kids together in theory (recognising that it may not happen for all sorts of reasons), then you need to sit down and talk about finances, plans etc.

But if your reticence about getting engaged is because deep down that's not what you want with him then you need to acknowledge that to yourself then be honest with him.

It is very sensible to consider the cost of raising a child. If you do want children someday, are you working towards changing your financial situation? are you both pursuing additional education or training? That is much easier to do before children.

Costs nothing to get engaged and weddings csn be cheap and cheerful. Any reason why you can't better your financial position?

I see where you’re coming from OP. I wanted us to own a house before we got married. That was a more important thing to focus on I felt than a wedding. We ended up having a very short engagement and an inexpensive but lovely wedding a few months after we bought our first house.

What has being engaged got to do with kids? I don't understand?

Ha yes but nowadays you have to have a ring... insta surprise proposal in an expensive location... then there's the engagement photo shoot... the whole raft of social media rubbish.

It's not like in our day, a cheap ring and a quick question and ta da! All done

You don’t sound sure about having kids or getting married, in which case you’re right not to rush into it.

As other have said, getting engaged costs nothing, weddings can be cheap (mine was) and you don’t have to have kids straight away either, if at all. We waited over 10 years from getting engaged before having kids.

However, I wouldn’t get engaged/ married if he wants kids and you’re not sure about them, without discussing it with him first. If you do want them and it’s just about your financial position, that’s sensible and I would not be going ahead with having kids with the plan being to claim ‘support’.

Getting engaged is free of charge, if yoi
dispense with the ring.

Getting married costs next to nothing, if you want it to.

She says “I just know he wants to get married and have kids.“

If you do not want children you don’t have to have children, it is absolutely not a requirement of marriage. But you need to tell him that you don’t want any, otherwise it’s unfair. And don’t let him talk you in to it if you are sure of your feelings - being child free is an entirely valid (and from my current position of relentless bickering from my children, enviable) choice.

My grandparents were from a very poor background in Ireland.

My grandfather loved my grandmother but had not a penny to spare. He wove a ring from grass and proposed to her. They had their ups and downs rich times and poor sickness and health but they were together for 64 years until he died of Parkinsons and had 3 sons and a daughter and were always able to provide for their needs. She kept that ring very safely and carefully.

You don't need something expensive and shiny. You just need to love them enough - of course yuo can afford to get engaged.

if you are having sex now and wouldn't change your contraceptive method, you'd be no more or less likely to become pregnant, married or not. If he is pressurising you to do something you don't want or don't feel ready for then don't worry about engagement, just leave now.

You're not in the financial place to have kids in your opinion. Do you mean you want to marry someone richer?

We just got engaged- no presents, no fuss, no party.
Our wedding cost about £3000 total including the reception and evening do- for about 40 people, the dress (my best friend made it), DH's suit, the flowers (from FIL allotment and garden), the photos (taken by SIL who is an artist). We weren't trying to keep costs down, we just didn't want a big fuss.

Your thread title is about not wanting to get engaged but your whole post is about having kids!

How much do you think you need to earn to be comfortable enough for kids? Will you and/ or him ever earn that? How old are you- there’s a difference between being 25 and 40 and not being sure if you can afford kids.
You sound like you’re not prepared to try and earn more than you are doing now so, are you not really bothered about kids or are you not really bothered about him?

Of course you can afford to get engaged 😂

You say, 'Shall we get married?' and he says 'Yeah, ok'.

Boom, that's it, you're engaged.

You don’t need to get engaged to marry. You can marry for under £200 inc all fees. Register offices have to offer statutory ceremonies.
As someone older my experience is cheap wedding = long lasting marriage. I didn’t have an engagement ring. Friend had a ring from a pawn shop (don’t pay vat) and a Monday am wedding as it was cheapest. All still happy/no regrets.

Ignoring money do you want to have kids?

Do you want them with him or is there something about his behaviour e.g. spending, not doing his share, being unkind, having drink or drug issues that puts you off?

Is there anything you are worried about other than money when it comes to kids?

On to money, kids are expensive but you are likely to be able to afford one unless you have substantial financial commitments that go on other things you can't or don't want to cut back on.