Is she really my best friend?

[firsttimemumchar]

I’m due my first baby in a couple of weeks, and since finding out my best friend has been very odd.

Have seen her three times since finding out - keeps cancelling all the time saying she’s poorly but then I see she’s out elsewhere. A few days before we’re due to meet I get the typical message “oh I’ve got a sore throat” and then I just know what’s coming on the day we’re meant to meet up.

has said some quite hurtful things about the things we’ve bought for the nursery being too expensive, explained I will have rules when baby is here such a no kissing her and told I’m treating the baby like a possession. My close family member is getting married when I’m 39 weeks, I’m meant to be bridesmaid. Best friend said I looked like a pink whale or a huge canopy in my bridesmaid dress. been a fair few comments on how “fat” I look with my bump too.

Can’t decided if I’m being over sensitive because I’m so close to my due date or whether or not I should just take this with a pinch of salt and laugh it all off

Congratulations on your pregnancy!
I hope all goes well with the birth, and that you enjoy being a brand new mum! xx

Give your ‘friend’ a bit of a swerve for now, and get to the bottom of it once you are established with your new born. You have enough to concentrate on without such toxic distractions.

Are you sure she was a friend before? Could it be you are noticing now because this information puts the “fat” comments on a very different footing. This woman is trying to upset and undermine. Who else is your friend? See them or make new ones. This is not the person you need in your life.

Honestly? I'd ditch her as a friend and leave her as someone you know. I've had a situation like this where she constantly put me down, always really loud and gobby, calling me a loser for my hobbies and never ever said anything nice. I stopped making arrangements and now when we end up out together (mutual friends) and she says something, I just ignore it and turn away.

Two people need to get something out of friendships else you ended up becoming someone's soundboard or their person to treat like crap. Why continue it if it doesn't work for you?

Years ago a now former friend had a steady job as a nurse. I was fired from my job for raising a grievance (I later successfully got a settlement out of that) and she was so enthusiastic and friendly
to me then - all empathetic etc.

I got a job I absolutely loved shortly after and her face was like thunder when I was telling her all about it. It was so obvious - like she was sighing and rolling her eyes - that I actually cut the conversation short.

I later learnt that she doesn’t enjoy her job as much as I thought but felt trapped which was where the jealousy came from I guess.

It could be in the case of OPs friends that she isn’t enjoying family life that much but sees Op pregnant and having the possibly of having the fun and lovely experience that she thought she would have.

It’s almost like someone who is unhappily married seeing their friend get engaged or on their honeymoon period. Just because someone has something that society told them they should desire, it doesn’t mean they’re actually enjoying it as much as you may think.

ETA: As I said she’s a former friend now. She was one of my best friends for a decade before that so it was sad but I had zero time for someone who wished ill of me when I’d been there cheering her along when she got married, found a job, had a baby etc and now I was having some good fortune she decided to be bitter? I just ended the friendship within a few months of that behaviour as it was escalating with her constant snide comments and going silent at anything positive I had to say.

Sounds like she is probably jealous of you. I wouldn't bother with her anymore.

Two people need to get something out of friendships else you ended up becoming someone's soundboard or their person to treat like crap. Why continue it if it doesn't work for you?

This completely. I wish someone told me that as a teen, I’d have cut off some of my adult friendships a lot sooner. I didn’t realise until my 20s but Some people either seen me as a 24/7 therapist or just took me for granted and were almost trying to make themselves the main character in my own life 😵‍💫

I think sometimes it comes with age and experience. I'm 43 and just realising how horrible some people can be so I don't hesitate to keep people at distance or cut them off.

Life can be difficult enough without people who claim to be your friend, shitting all over you. It's not up to you or me or anyone else to be someone else's therapist.

But you were clearly also getting something out of these relationships at the time — the feeling of being needed or useful, maybe. Though, obviously, good for you for realising in your 20s that it wasn’t a dynamic you wanted to continue. I just think it’s important to acknowledge that no one can force you be a ‘service human’ unless you go along with it, and people do go along with it, often for the sake of inclusion.

Remove her from your orbit, she needs to be where you are not. Anyone that calls another woman fat, particularly a pregnant woman can get in the bin.

You don't need this right now, do a spring clean as part of your nesting phase and get her gone. You don't need to tell her why. Protect yourself, if she's a friend she will ask what she's done to upset you and be horrified and apologies when she hears. My guess is that she won't.

She’s very jealous. Sad really. Put her at arms length, I doubt the friendship will continue once baby is here and tbh u don’t need that kind of negativity in your life

Just block her. You don’t need it at the moment.
ask her. Did you mean to say that as it’s quite rude?

To be clear no, of course I was not forced. Just like any unhealthy or abusive relationship adults are in - be it romantic or platonic /friendship - there is an element of choice.

However also important to mention that for some people, sometimes as a result of their childhood / life experiences or ND etc, (all of those things in my case) they’re slower to identify when a relationship or friendship is unhealthy and overall not beneficial.

I’ve always had a lot of amazing friends too thankfully and the contrast between them and the trauma dumpers / jealous friends became quite apparent as time went on which helped me not to normalise the latter.

Of course there were some good times, and they were fun to be around so yes I got that out of the friendships. But then I’ve always had other friends that were just as fun if not more without all the other (negative) stuff, so yeah it wasn’t worth it.

I get people have ups and downs and I am a supportive friend, but yes now I recognise friendships that are forever lacking reciprocity aren’t ones I want to have.

Definitely - I’m all about quality over quantity now and life got better once I became so much more comfortable with letting old friendships go.

Life can be difficult enough without people who claim to be your friend, shitting all over you. It's not up to you or me or anyone else to be someone else's therapist

This was the exact mindset I adopted. I had, and still do have, my own challenges in life. Why add friends who treat you poorly or take you for granted into the mix? Any benefit you do get from their friendship ends up getting drowned out by how they drag you down. And it’s just really hurtful.

I did the same, funnily enough I was pregnant at the time with my first. We had been friends 18 years, lived together, shared great times, but she was having relationship difficulties and I had only ever been kind and supportive. She was snippy and unkind, my husband noticed it first but I waved him off as I said she was under pressure etc. She made a nasty comment one day and that was it. 100% done. I never called her again. She was too proud to ask and I never said a word. She dropped a lovely gift in when the baby was born but I didn't encourage her to stay. It was the beginning of me being a lot harder and I shed a couple of pass remarkable "friends".
25 years l have only the loveliest bunch of friends around me.

If this is how your so called best friend behaves, I’d dread to think what an enemy would do.
Why are you tolerating this? Just stop contacting her.

She was snippy and unkind, my husband noticed it first but I waved him off as I said she was under pressure etc. She made a nasty comment one day and that was it. 100% done. I never called her again

You did well to act fast once it continued . There’s a quote by Maya Angelou “when people show you who they are the first time, believe them” yeah people can have bad days, but a pattern of certain comments and actions reveal who people really are and how they think about you. It’s sad she lacked the humility to properly make amends but I’m sure she realised it was her loss. When people can’t be happy for you or actively try to bring you down the friendship is done - they’re now acting more like an enemy.

I wouldn't want to have any contact with her anymore, or at least for a while until she gets over herself. It's your first baby, so quite possibly will be overdue. It's all fine.
Look after yourself and your baby, that's all that's on your agenda for a while.

She is horrid!

Do not reach out to her and if she's vile in messages completely blank her! What a wicked woman.

Probably over sensitive. Pregnancy changes things- mostly you!

Maybe sense of humour has changed, maybe you didn’t realize you guys mostly socialized over drinks. Maybe she’s being cautious about getting you sick, or you about getting sick.

and you’re 39 weeks pregnant! You will look like a whale! Embrace it. Only time you get to guilt free!

Sounds like she got used to her and her children being the topic of interest and resents you have children too.

Concentrate on your pregnancy and baby and give her a wide berth.

Makes me think she doesn't like the dynamic change. She has always been the one with kids and now it's changing and you are coming to her territory.
You don't need people like her in your life so just stop giving her any attention.

I don't know if this is the case, but do you have a "better" or "easier" set up than her and so she's jealous?
Eg she's a single parent / has a useless co-parent / you have more money / you have better maternity benefits/ you have parents to help and she doesn't? Etc etc

I obviously don't know your situation but she could (wrongly!) resent you for something if she feels hard done by herself.

Either way though, you deserve better. The body shaming comments are totally unacceptable and you should cut her out.

Also better to cut your ties now before baby is born, vs afterwards you'll be a whole rollercoaster of hormones and have more important things to deal with than your so called "friend".

Sorry you're going through this with such an old friend!

With her behaviour I cannot believe she has 2 children! Which means she has been through having your first child which is very nerve wracking. She isn’t a friend and I think you should give up on this friendship. She sounds awful. Not what you need at all in this point in your life.

She has been cancelled on numerous times by this “friend”, I don’t think it’s a very polite thing to do to call your “friend” a whale. Especially when you have been pregnant yourself and know how it feels to be massive towards the end.

She’s jealous. Probably mainly reasons inc ones others have mentioned:

• she likes being the one who has children and she doesn’t like the change. Possibly she thought you wouldn’t have a baby;
• she misses her kids being babies
• she doesn’t want to share attention or for you to have more attention
• maybe she wants another baby and can’t or husband won’t agree, can’t afford etc

What I would do is leave it for now. She is semi avoiding you anyway so you don’t need to distance yourself. Focus on you, the wedding and then baby.
maybe things will settle down between you once the dust settles and she gets used to you having a baby or maybe you’ll drift or you’ll decide you don’t need her.
I wouldn’t do anything rash.
If you do see her meantime make it 100% that weight is off that table as a topic of conversation.