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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you leave someone who wouldn't buy a home with you?

63 replies

Anotherdayanotherpizza · 07/07/2024 22:10

Been with my partner for 4 years, lived together for 3.

It's become clear he doesn't want that sort of commitment with me.
Not sure how to feel about that? I don't want to be renting with him forever, I want us to be committed and progress together.

I admit it hurts, and I don't know what to think.
His friend just got engaged, I saw it on social media. I mentioned it to him and he sort of nervously laughed and changed the subject.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anotherdayanotherpizza · 07/07/2024 22:16

It kinda just feels like, I don't want any ties with you.

OP posts:
SugarMiceInTheRain · 07/07/2024 22:17

It does sound like you're on a different page to him. 3 years living together is long enough to know if you want to commit, and if he doesn't want the same as you after this time then it's likely you will always be disappointed. If he knows how you feel and won't take the next step, then I'd say it's time to lay your cards on the table and let him know you're not willing to waste any more time with someone who doesn't share your goals and vision for future together.

Scarletttulips · 07/07/2024 22:18

I left a 10 year relationship because of this very reason. He didn’t want to live me (owned my own home) marry me or have children with me - what was the point? I was 29 and dumped him.

Guess what? Didn’t take him long to marry and have a child! He just didn’t want that with me.

Same thing with 2 other friends -

Leave and don’t look back.

Original poster
Anotherdayanotherpizza · 07/07/2024 22:24

I just don't see the point of being with someone who is too scared of doing anything with you that may involve risk.

OP posts:
Ladyface · 07/07/2024 22:24

I’ve been there, OP. I couldn’t carry on with the relationship after it was clear there was no marriage on the cards. I’d given him ten years of my life but wasn’t prepared to waste anymore time.

SummerTimeIsTheBest · 07/07/2024 22:24

I think now is the time for ‘The Conversation’. I think you probably already know what the outcome is going to be but might be better to help you to move on. For whatever reason, he doesn’t want ties with you but you want something more serious. It’s ok that you both want something different, you just need to find a way to make your dreams a reality ❤️❤️

suburberphobe · 07/07/2024 22:25

Never put all your marbles in one place OP.

In other words, become financially independent so you can always take care of yourself, whatever life throws at you. Your future self will thank you.

Take it from me, almost 70 now.... still feel young too but reality is different.

AssortedLabels · 07/07/2024 22:25

It depends on whether you’re after a casual, commitment-lite sort of arrangement. Fine if you are, but if you’re after a mortgage, a wedding and/or some kids, you might be barking up the wrong tree.

Original poster
Anotherdayanotherpizza · 07/07/2024 22:26

I just think wanting a casual arrangement after 4 years is an absolute joke tbh.

OP posts:
Xenia · 07/07/2024 22:26

If your own salary is big enough to get a mortgage you might be able to buy in your name and have a tenancy agreement with him where he pays you rent and a cohabitation agreement drawn up by a solicitor making it clear 100% all the property is yours.

Original poster
Anotherdayanotherpizza · 07/07/2024 22:27

I can afford to buy something small on my own, it's the fact that after years he clearly doesn't trust me enough to want to enter into a mortgage with me.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 07/07/2024 22:28

After 4 years you know if you want to be with someone. He just doesn’t like you enough OP.

Move on and find someone you can be happy with.

JustMarriedBecca · 07/07/2024 22:28

Are you in London? We didn't want to buy a flat in London and get locked in and unable to sell when we wanted to move out / have kids.

So yes, whilst sometimes it felt like a failure to commit, it actually made financial sense.

Have you asked him why?

Neveranynamesleft · 07/07/2024 22:28

Xenia ....OP wants a committed partner not a lodger !

TheHopefulMum · 07/07/2024 22:29

Personally I feel like it depends entirely on the situation. I myself own my own home, but after a 12 year marriage which was highly toxic and abusive and almost losing the family home, that I now own, due to my ex and his behaviour I would never own a home with anyone ever again.

I am in a new relationship and we have discussed the future and how that may look in term of living arrangements and I have been clear that I will not jointly own a home with him. He is welcome to move in with me and I would consider it our home even without him having no legal ownership, but I would not have him or any other person on the mortgage with me.

The same goes for marriage. I love my partner very much but have been clear that I will never want to get married. He has never been married but it isn't something that bothers him anyway thankfully.

suburberphobe · 07/07/2024 22:29

I just think wanting a casual arrangement after 4 years is an absolute joke tbh.

It is if it's not what you want. Rip off the plaster OP. You don't want to be lamenting this in another 10 years time.

Original poster
Anotherdayanotherpizza · 07/07/2024 22:30

We're not in London, and even if we were at least the wanting to was there, it just clearly wasn't viable in London, it's the not wanting to full stop and having zero plan for when that, marriage, kids etc may happen.

OP posts:
ABirdsEyeView · 07/07/2024 22:47

Everything I've seen amongst family and friends leads me to believe that if a man doesn't want to commit within a few years, then you aren't the person he wants to be with forever. He'll stay with you and happily kill time with you, but he's not thinking you are the love of his life! I think we all know men who were with their long term partner for donkeys years, never married, then split up and married the new woman after 5 minutes.

I'd throw this one back in the sea and find a man who actually wants to build a future with you.

Original poster
Anotherdayanotherpizza · 07/07/2024 22:50

On the contrary I seem to know quite a few couples where they had kids together (or didn't) and then married after about 12 years together, so I don't know.

OP posts:
AhBiscuits · 07/07/2024 22:55

I was married and had a baby 3 years after meeting DH. If you want a family you need to put your cards on the table and see what he's saying.

TinySmol · 07/07/2024 22:59

I wouldn't hesitate to bin him.
Seeing as it's late now........ he'd be gone tomorrow.

Supersimkin7 · 07/07/2024 23:01

OP, you deserve better. You’re the holding pattern and that’s not ok.

DP might not be able to stay with anyone long term or he might marry someone else in 5 minutes.

You really can get a man who wants to marry you. Start looking.

CommaChameleon7 · 07/07/2024 23:13

@Anotherdayanotherpizza I hung on for 23 years with someone who wouldn't commit. Waste of a life. Be with someone who wants to be with you and doesn't make you feel shit

JaninaDuszejko · 08/07/2024 05:26

If you won't treat yourself with respect then he won't. Leave him, buy yourself a house, and move forward with your life. You might meet someone else, you might not, but you'll still be building your own security.

If you stay with him then when he meets 'the one' he'll leave you, so there's no positives to staying, it'll just hurt more when he leaves.

PaminaMozart · 08/07/2024 05:33

If he really, truly wanted to be with you forever, you'd know. As it is, you are the placeholder. And I'm sure I'm not telling you something that you didn't already know. It's up to you what you choose to do with this information. My advice would be to walk.

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