Should I stay with him

[PCA9]

My partner has 3 kids and we have 1 together but I feel like his kids and ex partner come way above us. He has his kids every day off he has from work overnight and 4 days of every holiday he has when I had our baby I asked if we could cut the time down to once a week as we are living in cramped conditions and I was struggling with pnd to which I was told no I took him on with 3 kids and its my life that should change not his! We have no time for ourselves which feels like now we are just friends rather than partners. He has to work late some nights at work which is from 7am-8pm he will happily do these shifts everyday he doesn't have his kids but refuses the days he has his kids which makes me feel like he doesn't care that he is leaving me all day and night myself with the baby. I feel like he never takes me or our child into consideration but says yes to almost everything his ex wants. He is starting to come across as really selfish even if I am ill or our baby is he will still take his kids he also takes them if they are ill not giving any consideration for our baby or me but that was down to his ex as he couldn't take them once because he was ill and she stopped him seeing them for nearly 5 weeks and told him if he ever does it again for whatever reason he won't see them again. Am I fighting a loosing battle here? I feel like my mental health is gradually getting worse with all the stress and upset and not having him supporting me.

He's a good dad for wanting to see so much of his children. That's not a reflection on you.
That you are struggling and want more support from him should not mean that he should compromise seeing his kids. You need to work out together how to make it work.

How is he a good Dad when he's only acting like three of the children matter? He's not seeing or taking care of his baby, or OP.

How old is your baby, OP?

And does the man leave you to look after your step children, or does he look after them himself?

Why do you think having a new baby is any reason to see his other children less??! Of course he should have said no, he’s not wrong, you knew he had 3 kids, they don’t just disappear when it becomes more inconvenient to you.

Don’t understand some of the replies to be honest

Yes he has 3 kids and they of course are equally as important as your baby but he’s acting like baby isn’t as important and carrying on like nothings changed.

Sounds like he is jumping as soon as ex asks to have the kids but if you say, hey I need help with baby he’s like nah.

It would put me off and if I felt like me and my baby was less important, I’d be off

OP is also saying that he will work late even though he knows she’s struggling, but if he knows he is having his other 3 kids he would refuse to work late.

He has made it clear that his 3 children with his ex are higher in priority than you and your baby. I don’t think this is going to change so you can decide if this relationship is worth your while.
I don’t agree that he should see his other children less because you now have a baby , he has 4 children and that’s it, however, he should want to see you and be there for you as well as do his part as an equal parent to your joint child. So it’s up to you if it’s worth staying in the relationship.

He’s probably afraid that if he tries to reduce contact then his ex will stop him seeing his kids as you’ve said she’s done that in the past. He’s taking for granted that you are caring for the baby yous have together so putting less effort in, as yous live together he’s not worried about not seeing your baby. I wouldn’t try and get him to reduce contact with his other kids because I’m assuming that that contact was in place before yous had the baby. I would tell him that you need more effort from him with your baby, no more working late nights. If it’s too much for you having all the kids there could you either go stay with family for a couple of days or ask him to take them out during the day to give you a break?

@Lifechanging12 Yes he has 3 kids and they of course are equally as important as your baby but he’s acting like baby isn’t as important and carrying on like nothings changed.

Because the other 3 kids are a red herring. You don’t become less of a parent when you have another child. OP is a parent to 1, her bf is a parent to 4. Nothing changes in terms of seeing his other children, that would be ridiculous.
If OP wants her partner to work less that’s a different scenario, but the solution is not for him to suddenly drop the number of days he has his kids. It doesn’t work like that if you all live together, just because technically you can do it if you don’t live together FT doesn’t mean it isn’t a shitty thing to do.

Your opinion of the ops post is different to mine. He's being a good dad to his 3 existing kids by being stable and consistent. Should he damage that relationship and possibly the mental health of those children by seeing them less, or possibly not at all if the ex is difficult, because he has another now?
He's also holding down a job and doing long shifts is hard, but he's clearly doing it as he's a hard worker and financially responsible.
OP is an adult, and having a new baby is hard. To me, from the information that was provided, I see decent behaviour from the partner and something that should be fixable with a conversation and pulling together to find a solution. The kids, all of the kids, should be the priority. Adults are responsible for themselves.
OP knew what she was getting into and they must've had conversations planning how it would work, before the baby came. I don't see how leaving helps.

You're all in an impossible position. I said YABU but because he is being held over a barrel by his ex. He needs to sort that side out via a legal route so that he can support you and be a proper dad to his 4th child whilst maintaining his relationship with his other 3. You say he works long hours - is that in order to support both families?

Is he expecting you to look after his sick kids? It does sound like you and the baby are bottom of the pecking order. I doubt this is going to change. Think carefully about what you want for the future. You might be better off without him.

Why don’t you leave the baby with him on the days he has his other kids and go do some fun things and have down time.

His encouraging you to leave him really as you will be treated better and get a break if you split up, also you have the option to go find a man who will love you and take you on a date. Sounds like the ex is in a better situation than you, maybe this is why she left him?

Wow, you have a kid and you then expect him to see his children less. I think you are the selfish one. You knew the situation, you decided to have a child and then expected everything to change. How would his poor children feel if they are suddenly told to stop coming around so often because your 'little precious' is more important. Get a grip. You do not get to wreck his relationship with his children and their world. Do you have no consideration for the children's feelings?

TBF your partner should be seeing his older children.

It's irrelevant that you've had a baby as well.

If he splits up with you, you'll want him to see your baby, presumably, even if he gets a new wife.

He is 13months. No he looks after them when he has them but I do everything for the baby.

I feel like he never takes me or our child into consideration but says yes to almost everything his ex wants

Are you jealous of the ex?
Or do you get on?

He needs to step up his care for you and the baby, definitely. But it shouldn't be framed as him having to reduce time with his other children. That's not fair on them.
Is there a reason why he can't be seeing you and the baby at the same time as the others? Do you get on with them, have they bonded with the baby? He's definitely got a lot of work to do to make sure everyone's getting the attention they deserve. I hope he'll listen if you sit down and have a calm but serious chat.

Yes he his a good dad but his ex has made everything about her from the minute she found out we where expecting. He only had the kids once a week up until weeks before the baby came as she told him basically we had a new baby and wouldn't have a life she used the kids like she always does saying they want to see him more and he fell for it like he always does and agreed to take them more. At the time I was just trying to keep my relationship together for my baby.

Not at all no we don't get on but we don't speak that's the way it is she has been difficult from the minute she found out I was pregnant.

We have a few issues they don't listen to anything I say to them and yes they have bonded with the baby but they are also very boisterous and a few occasions baby has been hurt but they don't seem to listen to there dad either.

Not at all and if anything when we have the kids they ask to go home a lot but the mother refuses we are in a one bedroom flat just now they are sleeping in a livingroom on camping beds.

You shouldn’t be asking him to see his 3 kids less because you’ve had a baby.

Also, he’s not prioritising his 3 older kids and leaving you to deal with the baby. He’s leaving the other resident parent to do the parenting. Sounds like he probably did the same to his ex as he isn’t parenting any of them now. So, you and the ex are being treated equally and all the kids are being treated the same.

Having your first baby with someone who already has children is hard because it’s not their first and you aren’t going through all those firsts together. They don’t share your new parent fears and are more relaxed in the way experienced parents are so it can leave you feeling alone and under-supported.

I would try to relax in your shoes. He’s a shit parent, but you knew this before you had your baby because he doesn’t parent the kids he already had.

Yeah but might I add he pays her £350 a month for the kids aswell as providing everything for them when they stay. He is burning himself out he has no time for himself trying to hold down a full time job and juggle kids and everything else how's it fair he comes home from work tired and wants to go to bed while I deal with baby but when he has the other kids he's not tired.