Should I stay with him

[PCA9]

My partner has 3 kids and we have 1 together but I feel like his kids and ex partner come way above us. He has his kids every day off he has from work overnight and 4 days of every holiday he has when I had our baby I asked if we could cut the time down to once a week as we are living in cramped conditions and I was struggling with pnd to which I was told no I took him on with 3 kids and its my life that should change not his! We have no time for ourselves which feels like now we are just friends rather than partners. He has to work late some nights at work which is from 7am-8pm he will happily do these shifts everyday he doesn't have his kids but refuses the days he has his kids which makes me feel like he doesn't care that he is leaving me all day and night myself with the baby. I feel like he never takes me or our child into consideration but says yes to almost everything his ex wants. He is starting to come across as really selfish even if I am ill or our baby is he will still take his kids he also takes them if they are ill not giving any consideration for our baby or me but that was down to his ex as he couldn't take them once because he was ill and she stopped him seeing them for nearly 5 weeks and told him if he ever does it again for whatever reason he won't see them again. Am I fighting a loosing battle here? I feel like my mental health is gradually getting worse with all the stress and upset and not having him supporting me.

I am not surprised you feel you and your baby come second. Up to you if you stay or go. But you don't sound very happy with the current situation and it doesn't look like it's going to change any time soon.

Yes he pays her £350 a month aswell as providing everything for them when they stay.

Op do you go out to work ? If not you should be glad if your partner works long hours to support you and his children .

No I don't think it is going to change😞

That's parenting though.
It is expensive and tiring.

Maybe get a part time job then you will have some independence.Partner will not have to work such long hours if you contribute to the finances.

No not right now I lost my job just before I had baby and haven't found anything suitable yet and also struggling with depression and anxiety is not helping that either.

So he should.
£350 a month for three children isn't much. It's less than £4 per day, per child.

The long hours he works are by choice and he doesn't get paid for them as he is on a salary.

And its not tiring looking after a baby all day aswell as trying to run the house all on my own? Where is my rest? Where is my time for me? He goes to work yes but he also has a child and a partner at home that need him also.

Sorry but I had 2 children and had to work to pay the mortgage.I certainly did not winge and expect my husband to be the sole wage earner.Children are expensive so we need to work to afford them .If you left him how would you manage financially ?

That's not what I meant.

You were saying that he was tired and that he paid for the children's food when they were at your house, and he paid £350 a month maintenance.

I was just pointing out that all he was doing was parenting; that be needn't expect a medal for any of it.

Partner chooses to work the hours and doesn't get paid for extra as he is on a salary.

That really doesn’t sound particularly high for 3 kids when he only has them stay a small portion of the time.
Of course he should pay for everything when they stay with him! The ex is still paying for the vast majority, £350 doesn’t exactly go far between 3 kids.

He has no time for himself because he has 4
children! Thats basically just part of parenting particularly when they are young. He’s not going to have loads of free time when he has a lot of kids.

You needing time for yourself if valid, but it’s not relevant to his kids. Your free time doesn’t come from him seeing his kids less.

I think there are multiple issues here, and you do yourself no favours by lumping them together.

1. He sees his kids a lot. This is (more than) reasonable. They are his kids! I expect in a perfect world we'd all live with our kids. It would not be reasonable of you to expect him to reduce this.

2. You feel he is being manipulated by his ex. This may be true, and it sucks if so. But, you're unlikely to be able to change anything, so maybe try just not worrying about it for a while, he's an adult. When he wants your support he can ask.

3. He won't adjust his work schedule to help you out or to make you feel valued/wanted. This is an issue. Have you spoken to him about this, without bringing his other kids, or even the baby, into the conversation? Baby is too young to compare and feel hurt BTW, so I think this point is about you as a couple. And that's OK! It's reasonable to want some of his time and attention for yourself, you are supposed to be in a relationship.

4. You are struggling with your mental health. Again this is an issue, and I would encourage you to seek help from a GP.

You haven't got paid employment though.

In his ex's defence, I too would be very concerned if my ex's new partner became pregnant. Too many men leave their children behind.

I have to agree with this.

You aren’t wrong.

Partner chooses to work the hours and doesn't get paid for them as he is on a salary.

You've said this 3 times now.

What do you mean?

She knows for a fact he wouldn't have done that but as soon as she found out it went from having them one day a week to 2 which he agreed to without me because she used the kids like she always does and knows it gets to him. Her words take them more since you're having a baby you won't have a life anyway😂

Do you not think there is a higher pressure for him to perform and impress at work as he now has not only 4 children to financially provide for but a partner too?

I really just can’t believe all this is because he has his kids 2 days a week!

No its also the fact its the ex that dictates everything he agrees to everything she wants to save an argument but would happily come home and have a big argument with me.