Should I stay with him

[PCA9]

My partner has 3 kids and we have 1 together but I feel like his kids and ex partner come way above us. He has his kids every day off he has from work overnight and 4 days of every holiday he has when I had our baby I asked if we could cut the time down to once a week as we are living in cramped conditions and I was struggling with pnd to which I was told no I took him on with 3 kids and its my life that should change not his! We have no time for ourselves which feels like now we are just friends rather than partners. He has to work late some nights at work which is from 7am-8pm he will happily do these shifts everyday he doesn't have his kids but refuses the days he has his kids which makes me feel like he doesn't care that he is leaving me all day and night myself with the baby. I feel like he never takes me or our child into consideration but says yes to almost everything his ex wants. He is starting to come across as really selfish even if I am ill or our baby is he will still take his kids he also takes them if they are ill not giving any consideration for our baby or me but that was down to his ex as he couldn't take them once because he was ill and she stopped him seeing them for nearly 5 weeks and told him if he ever does it again for whatever reason he won't see them again. Am I fighting a loosing battle here? I feel like my mental health is gradually getting worse with all the stress and upset and not having him supporting me.

But two days a week is more than reasonable!

Could you tell him you need a break and ask him to take time off to look after the baby one-on-one? He surely has annual leave. He has to have a good relationship with his existing kids but it doesn’t sound as though he’s really trying to develop a bond with the new child. He is right that you took him on knowing he had 3 kids he was very committed to raising, but then he shouldn’t have had a fourth if he couldn’t commit to the same level of dedication to the baby.
It’s a tricky one and I can see both sides.
As a compromise maybe you ask him to take some annual leave to give you a break and fully dedicate that time to the new baby. Spending time alone caring for the baby might help them bond and him to realise he needs to be just as involved with the new one.
I also don’t know what your relationship with the other kids is like, but they are all siblings and you are their step mum, when he has them he should be organising activities for you all to take part in, not keeping them separate all the time.

So you're annoyed with his ex wife.

He gets 5 weeks off and takes the kids on all his holidays for 4/5 days at his ex request yet again!

Or maybe he wants to see his kids more? I mean 1 day a week out of 7 is barely anything. 2 days a week seems completely reasonable reasonable, you just seem to want to take an issue with it because the mother suggested it but a father seeing his kids 2 days a week is hardly groundbreaking. You seem to be fixating on this rather than the actual issue and what could fix it.
You’re tired, you’re bored, you need a break because you don’t work and so are with your child every day, that’s normal and reasonable but his children are not the cause.

Maybe it's his choice, OP.

Not his ex wife asking, but his own natural desire to see his children.

All of this.

Are you much younger than him? Honestly OP this is just parenting! Almost every parent takes their holidays according to the school calendar and they have their kids.
I don’t know a single parent who has loads of time off work without their children.
Honestly what did you expect when you got with a man with so many kids?

Frankly she shouldn’t have to ask! She has them the rest of the time.

No it was her I was there for the phonecall again this happened just before I had the baby.

Oh, so he isn't interested in seeing the children really.

Yet you decided to have one with him.

How old are his children?

Did you say a 1 bed flat for 4 children & 2 adults?? If so no wonder it's stressful.

Why don't you arrange a night out or even an exercise class so that your partner has responsibility for the children. It might do you both good to have a change.

I would also encourage you to get a job as adult interaction will help as well as contributing to the finances. Do you have any family support?

No I'm actually older than him. The point I'm making is he had the kids one day a week at the start then when the ex found out I was pregnant she wanted to change it too 2 nights then just before I had baby she wanted him to take them 4/5 days of every holiday he has. We are in a 1 bedroom flat and the kids sleep on camping beds they very frequently ask to go home to which they are told no from the mum because she wants a break they are at school all day while she is at home I would say that's a break from them.

Jeez. You wait till your baby is school aged.
You'll be glad of a few hours peace.

He has interest in his kids but is he not entitled to have time for himself also🤷🏻‍♀️it was her that left him for someone else which didn't work out btw why should she dictate what he does and when and use his kids against him when she chose to leave him?

Honestly why the hell did either of you want to peruse another child? He had 3 already, you live in a one bedroom and you moan about him contributing £350 a month to their upbringing.
I can’t see how anyone thought this was going to go well.

Im still struggling to understand why you think it’s preferable for a father to only want to see his kids 1 day out of 7.

He has interest in his kids but is he not entitled to have time for himself also
Someone with 4 kids and is going to have an extremely limited amount of time for himself. He only has his other kids 2 days out of 7. The other 5 are with you and the youngest.
Obviously he needs to work but he’s only
going to need to work more when he’s providing for you both.

The reason his previous relationship ended is irrelevant and non of your business.

Yes happily when at school but if I had my child crying to come home or telling me they didn't want to go I would never force it.

Because he's their father, OP.

Did you expect our hope that he wouldn't see the children much?

He has interest in his kids but is he not entitled to have time for himself

Not if he's a decent absent father.

Please re-read my post where I say equally as important. No where did I say take time away from other kids. I said all as important

I’ll level with you, OP. It sounds like you are at war with the ex even though DH is the problem. That said, ex has the leverage of his children, so it’s a rock and a hard place. BUT if this were me I’d switch tactics and just become the absolute best, most dedicated step mum the world has ever seen. Oh she wants him to have the kids for most of his AL? Excellent, book a lovely holiday for all of you, have a wonderful time, take lots of pics and make wonderful memories. The kids will be full of stories about how much fun they have with dad, step mum and their baby sibling. And it doesn’t hurt the kids to have extra love in their lives. If it comes with the added bonus of pissing off the ex, then great. But even if it doesn’t then you and all involved are happy and making memories together.

5,7,10 yes 1 bedroom and they sleep in the livingroom on camping beds. I honestly can't trust him with the baby and the other 3 they are very boisterous and don't listen to a thing that is said to them we have had a few incidents of my son being hurt or nearly hurt by them.

Sometimes things happen unexpectedly🤷🏻‍♀️

I honestly can't trust him with the baby

Really? Even though he's had three?

It may not be choice as some places expect overtime of their salaried staff. Alternatively, you need to ask if he is using work as an excuse to stay out the house. Especially as you said he only has energy when his older kids are there. He may be trying avoid the hard graft of parenting a baby or your depression and anxiety is wearing him down.