Is modern parenting damaging to kids?

[Rainbowsponge]

My friend’s husband is a professional in the area of child development and education. He’s taught at numerous schools, SEN schools and is now a researcher. He doesn’t have children, but I do, and yesterday we were talking about the seeming increase in children with anxiety, mental health issues and what he described as ‘delayed adulthood’.

He’s British but his extended family are from India, and he said visits to see them make a striking contrast between how our children are raised and how theirs are raised. He said children are sort of left to run around in packs and find their own amusement from quite a young age, and as a result they seem more mature and confident.

His theory is that we are interrupting normal development opportunities for kids brains, and therefore they’re not properly developing. He thinks we intervene too much in perfectly ordinary learning opportunities, like playground disagreements, and our quest to make sure our children never feel challenged or upset is actually making them more anxious.

He also thinks softer, more modern punishments are bewildering children and reinforcing bad behaviour, leaving them confused about right and wrong. Children read facial expressions, so seeing us look calm/unbothered rather than angry/disappointed when they’ve done something wrong is counterproductive and blocks them from naturally learning human behaviour and socialisation.

I’m not professing to be a perfect parent at all, but it was a really interesting chat and I want to discuss it further!

Idk, I basically had the 'perfect' childhood. I was 'playing out' for hours with my little sister and other children on our street from about age 7. We never left the street but had plenty of independent adventures. With cousins and family friends, we had regular days out and holidays where we roamed all over the countryside on our own, playing in rivers, forests etc. My mum didn't work and was around for us whenever we needed her. I had 2 parents in a loving marriage who set strong boundaries. My grandparents were very strict but loving. I was taught to respect adults. I wasn't allowed a playstation/gameboy etc, didn't have a computer with internet at home till I was 15 and didn't have a phone till I was nearly 17. I played dolls, sylvanians, playmobil etc all the time with my sister until I was 12! I was a huge bookworm and had loads of artistic and active hobbies and activities. I can't really think of much my family could have done 'better'.

But I was self harming before I left primary school, anorexic by 14 and a socially anxious mess by 16.

So I get all the arguments against 'modern childhood' and their lack of freedom does make me sad. But I'm not convinced that being a free range, tech free child is the key to happiness. I don't know what is. I'm kind of glad I don't have children to try and keep from breaking!!

He seems to be drawn to Victorian discipline, however forcing good behaviour through fear only works temporarily and wont build strong morals as an adult. My job as a parent is to enable my kids to reflect and develop a sound moral compass.

Which part is Victorian?

My memories of kids in the 80s/90s was that they were basically feral and never listened to. There was very little thought put into parenting.

I'm in agreement with you on this.

Truth be my DS had kids in this era and they were incredibly off the rails, when out on the streets and in school, started about the age of 10/11.
Never bothered her as long as they weren't under her feet giving her gip as she'd say, was of the 'anything for a quiet life' type, but as in a lot with her attitude her quiet life was her neighbours nightmares

One grew up on the wrong side of the law, no stranger to a stay at HM's pleasure, the other has kids of their own by various partners and what's incredibly sad is with the teen ones you can see history repeating itself before your eyes.

My parents weren't the "it's not happening" type
More the "if so and so stuck her head in the oven and turned the gas on would you"

Point taken..

My daughter was playing out the front at 6/7 and upwards. She's an only child.

When she came and told tales I would say 'oh well, I think it's time to come in then'

She would say 'doesn't matter' she'd eventually sort her own problems out

It is so so sad that you, and others like you, are hobbling your children.

Overprotecting kids makes them more vulnerable and less able to cope as adults

The kids of the 80s are the ones who are running the world now.

We did put thought into parenting, we knew that in the world outside, life isn't fair and that nothing we could do would make it 'fair'. They had to learn to live in the world as it is, not as how we would want it to be. (and that's not all bad - your precious first (or second, third etc) does not deserve more than anyone else, and life isn't fair.

The ones that are making it are the ones that had some autonomy, AND some responsiblility AND some belief that no one was 'always on their side'.

True some bullies made it too, but the overprotected ones never did

Yep sounds about right

I don’t think an unstable life grows resilience in general at all.

I think it’s more that parents are too quick to jump in and try and fix things. Like if a child has a mildly unfair experience at school- you are sympathetic, you try and help them figure out a solution themselves or a way to come to terms with it. You don’t ring up the school and fix the whole problem for them. Helping them deal with minor disappointments is important.

It’s knowing when you give the support and knowing when you need to step in and fix it for them. It’s a tricky balance that I struggle with.

From the dangers you list, I assume you were an older child/tween in the 80s and a teen in the early 90s? I suspect the parents of 13-19yr girls in the 1980s were probably worried about teen pregnancy too (in the 1780s and 1880s as well!) rather than some of those concerns just being an 80s or a 90s thing.
Although, you are right, we need to worry about smallpox less and sexting more, nowadays....

Yes, l love a natural consequence.
My dd used to moan every single week about training at 6am on the weekend - kept telling we would be late and one say, we were - the walk of shame because we arrived late taught her to get up earlier!!

My children do have a lot of age appropriate freedom. It's a balance, there are lots of people who I grew up with who did drugs(lots of them dead)/ teenage pregnancy/ went off to prison etc. Failing to protect children makes them more vulnerable too. Just because I swam doesn't mean we should forget those who sank.

It carries on when you start work. 😂 Just let me be off sick in peace FFS.

The thing is, I was for years a trooper, always showing up, never off sick. Burned out and decided to start actually taking sick leave when I was ill. And get it in the bloody neck for it.

I joined a Facebook group called ‘what you wish you knew about university’.
There are an awfully larger number of young adults still being mollycoddled by their parents. Literally buying and packing absolutely everything their child could possibly need for uni including things like batteries, plasters, paracetamol . Surely an 18 year old can buy their own paracetamol if they need it. I was sent off to university with bedding, clothes and my cd player. I have to bite my tongue or I’d get banned.

I have a 2 year old so this is interesting reading thank you.

I have no idea what my parenting style is. 9/10 I’m just trying to get everyone through the day alive and happy.

Should I be thinking about this? I do think there’s a lot of anxiety these days and I’m wondering if over analysis is part of the cause. Then equally reflection and thinking about this is probably a good thing.

Absolutely 100% agree with your husband! Especially about the facial expressions and understanding right and wrong. I can't stand seeing parents speak gently to kids who have just punched them in the face or something!!

Absolute madness. If a kid does something wrong, it needs to be clear and with an annoyed expression

Hmm...we are still doing primary school so I don't yet have skin in this game, but I'd think a mini first aid kit is quite a useful thing for a student to have.
If you cut your finger as a student it is unlikely to be convenient to immediately run off to Boots for some Savlon/a plaster (also students are not always great at prioritising - I tried to set my own broken toe at uni, so now I'm 42 and have a wonky toe). I always take this kind of thing on holiday as an adult - it takes up very little room in a washbag.
Maybe I'm going to be part of the problem :-)

Mine isn't in school yet, I hope that I will just let him get on with it when he's there. But I guess sometimes you have to get involved if there's bullying or something.

Single teen mums were the moral panic of the eighties. It was partly because social mores were changing. So teenage girls still got pregnant, but unlike in previous generations, a gunshot marriage was far less likely. What usually happened was the teenager had the child, had to leave school, and ended up on benefits bringing up a child alone.

@BestZebbie a mini first aid kit does not help a student who tries to set their own broken toe. I did not have plasters as a student, but I just used tissues/toilet paper.

Don't be so ridiculous. Just because you had shit parents doesn't mean that all parents were shit. This sort of nonsense really annoys me.

If you look around you will find that there are still plenty of shit parents, and children who are neglected and/or abused.

For every person like you there are many more who had great parents, who were able to bring them up without coddling them and taught them how to manage risks - and yes, loved them at the same time.

My school days were fine, but there certainly wasn't the pressure on kids that there is today - and some of that pressure comes from the parents btw.

I daresay I am older than you and I don't know a single child who died from an accident in the home. The only person I know who was electrocuted was an adult.

YABU. Lots of people on this thread with rose tinted glasses.

Lots of people on this thread who can't seem to understand that what they experienced in the past wasn't the same for everyone!

A real problem for millennial aged people and current young adults was that a lot of them had parents who had free range childhoods themselves with hands off parents that then had to parent in a different way. That's never easy.

My own parents seemed to expect me to somehow acquire the same life skills that they did at the same age while having a completely different childhood. For example I was literally expected to know how to safely ride my bike on the road with no teaching or prior experience just because they did at that age.

The advantage I think we have as parents now is that we know that we will need to find ways to actually teach our kids the life skills they need. We know we can't just be hands off and leave it to our child's peers or for them to learn passively through their environment.