AIBU - partners ex in-laws always demanding his children

[BeDreamyPinkHam]

Me and my partner been married for a year, have a 6 month old of our own. He has three children from a previous marriage. His children are here every other weekend and a night during the week. Wish it was more but it is what it is. His ex recently moved house about an hour away. This makes pick ups and drops offs more complicated but we are managing

The issue is ex’s family. They are 5/10 minute drive from us and don’t get on with ex. We have always been amicable and have let them visit the children, take them for a few hours on our time as we feel it’s important they have a good relationship with their extended family

The last few months it has been unbearable. We only see the children properly every other weekend as the night during the week is taken up with school
work etc and then before you know it is bed time. Every Friday night of our weekend with the children we get a message demanding to see the children and specifying times. Their maternal grandmother has said she wants the children individually so she can have one on one time with them so the message goes like “I’ll have child one from 10-12, child two from 12-2 and child 3 from 2-4” no please or thank you or what time suits you. This really messes up the day and tbh the day is spent ferrying the children up and down the road

The final straw was Father’s Day when she demanded to see them, he replied that we had plans but maybe the next weekend. Thought nothing more of it until this weekend when child one came in in tears saying “granny said you wouldn’t let us go to hers the last weekend and that you don’t like her”. Turns out granny had driven past our house and spoke to the children whilst they were playing outside and told them this. I immediately rang her to see what the issue was and she said how awful it is that she doesn’t see her grandchildren and that they will have soon forgotten who she is. I told her we have always been fair with allowing her to see them on our already limited time but sometimes we have plans made for just us. She started shouting abuse at me on the phone saying I am stealing her grandchildren from her. I told her if she is going to me like this that she can contact her daughter (ex) and see the grandchildren through her and on her time and hung up. My husband agrees that she was completely taking the piss and maybe this will rein her in a bit. My mother on the other hand thinks I am being totally unreasonable

so AIBU?

Stop engaging with them.
It is not up to your DP or you to facilitate your time with the children.
Their access should be during the time their Mum has them, there is no need for your DP or you to speak to them

If you think they would respect it I may say “one Friday a month they can come for tea from 4-7 but that’s it”

otherwise I would just tell them you can no longer facilitiate their contact and to take it up with their daughter

I think you might be starting to understand why their daughter isn't in contact

It's not up to you and DP to facilitate contact with his exes family

I world cut them off totally. How dare she talk to you like that.

It's up to your partner to facilitate time for HIS parents on HIS time, if he wishes. It's up to mum to facilitate time for HER parents on HER time, if she wishes. I completely agree with what you said, you have been more than generous. I can also see why mum has nothing to do with her going from the texts and how she spoke to you on the phone.

I’d stop the timetabled one on one contact. It completely messes up your weekend and stops you being able to do anything on that day. I would be very angry that she had involved the children in adult decisions by driving past and upsetting them, I’m assuming the children are quite young and not teenagers. Agree with the action you’ve taken - stick with it thou or maybe monthly teas but it stops if behaved in this way again.

@BeDreamyPinkHam

i think I can see why she doesn't have a good relationship with her daughter.

youve both been exceptionally kind to her, but she clearly doesn't appreciate it.

id be at the point of telling her that no she cannot have the children on your time & to sort it out with her daughter.

Shes upsetting the children & bad mouthing you. No way.

id be telling her you will contact the police if she attempts to try to secretly approach them in your garden (or anywhere).

She should not be using your DHs time to see the kids. That's time for him and his family.

I'd actually be pretty pissed if I was their mother and had decided I didn't want my own parents around my kids and he was going behind my back and giving them to him during his time. 1) lessening the time they get with their own father and 2) allowing someone that toxic into their lives when I had decided they were better off without them.

Maybe it's clear why the ex is not on good terms with her? Is she happy for her mum to see her dc? Does she know?

Get a restraining order. She sounds unhinged.

This. Seems like OP and her DP want to be seen as heros to the stepkids and are undermining the mum’s decision to cut these toxic people out.

I think you have been too kind op.

You shouldn’t be facilitating it, it’s up to her daughter, not you and your husband. It’s quite a strange situation tbh.

I know you said you want them to have a relationship with the children but it doesn’t sound healthy. It sounds toxic.

Step back - leave the Mum to deal with her own parents.

Sorry but FUCK this. Ex can arrange visits for their family in their time with children. Not your problem. Cheeky bastards….

Don’t entertain their behaviour, let the X deal with it. Don’t let kids play out the front when they r with u.

Maybe this is why the ex moved away from their mum…

Sounds like your partner’s ex has good reason not to be in touch with her family!

You’ve tried to do a nice thing (and fair play to you for doing so for the kids sake) but it’s clearly no longer working. I’d send them a short, civil message saying that with the kids getting older and spending more time on school work etc your time with them is increasingly limited and that from now on the grandparents will need to arrange contact during the mother’s time. That’s particularly the case as their recently interactions with you and the children have been inappropriate.

As others have pointed out, it’s not really a mystery as to why the children’s mother is not contact with granny. And in her shoes I might well be pretty cheesed off if I’d taken the steps to cease contact between my children and I and my mother and my ex was now facilitating contact with granny on his time because granny sounds horrible.

I would stop all contact with this woman, tell her why- the demands, the manipulative behaviour towards the children and the selfishness. I’d probably also point out to her that if she behaved better she might have a chance of having contact with the children through their mother on her time but it won’t be happening on yours.

I would bite the bullet and tell them that they can have them altogether once a month and if that's not acceptable then to contact her own daughter to arrange contact. End of. Honestly some people if given an inch will take a bloody mile.

YANBU sounds like you've been very reasonable. Makes you wonder why she doesn't get along with the DC's mum! Probably this sort of nonsense. DH should tell them to work it out with his ex

So she is genuinely a great grandmother and the children love her. She bakes cookies, does the girls nails, plays in goalie for her grandson to practice penalties and before this she has never said a bad word about us or their mother to them

Her and her daughter don’t get on mainly because of her daughters life style choices - had an affair, left three young children and is now engaged to her affair partner who is also still married. She splashes a lot of money on new cars and fancy holidays yet buys the children second hand uniforms and asks to borrow money off them for basic necessities for the children whilst flashing her new Chanel handbag on Facebook. It was actually the grandparents that stopped contact with her and not her with them

Up until this point, we have never had an issue which has made this whole thing a lot sadder

Her husband has called us and is coming around tonight with her to “sort out her mess” so I do think he realises she went totally off her rocker

I would just disengage at this point. You've tried to be generous and foster good relationships, and they have taken the piss and treated you with utter disrespect. They need to see the children on their daughter's time. If they have a poor relationship with their daughter they need to do something about that.

I might send her a final message explaining that the high handed "I shall take the children at 2 hourly intervals" incident was the final straw. Your children are not pizza, she can't just order them.

They’ve taken advantage of your kindness and treated your family like mugs. I’m guessing that ex isn’t in contact precisely because of their domineering behaviour and that in retrospect you should have trusted ex’s decision on this because she knows what her mum is like.

Some kids are better off being kept away from their grandparents and it was a bad judgement call to allow contact. If she’s bullying you and your partner then she will be riding all over the feelings of the kids and ignoring any boundaries that they have. Don’t offer up the kids mental health so that you look like you’re #bekind. I understand that people with normal parents don’t understand why people go NC or LC with their parents but you can’t change unreasonable people who can’t see that they are behaving wrongly. Ex has a lifetime of her mum’s shit and will know that NC is best. Does she know that dad is facilitating contact with her mum ?

Tell grandmother that she can organise time with the kids through her daughter. Doesn’t your partner have parents who want to see their grandkids too?
If she threatens court or whatever then ignore her. because grandparents rights are not a thing.

You are going to have to have a difficult chat with the kids. Their time at your house is to see their dad and it’s very special time where you want to see them as much as possible. Granny will call mummy to arrange time with them.

I think you have been doing your best to facilitate normal relationships with extended family, and that is definitely good intentioned.

But the ex-MIL doesn't sound like a normal person. In these circumstances you would expect her to be co-operative with you, but she isn't, she is regarding it as her "right", which it most definitely isn't.

I agree with other comments regarding checking with the kids mum whether she is OK with this contact anyway.

Going forward, I would block granny temporarily for a couple of weekends and make yourselves scarce. Go for a couple of long days out.

Then depending on what mum has said, you can unblock granny and have the relevant conversation with her.

This

I agree with the PP who said agree one fixed date and time for her to have all the kids. If she doesn’t stick to that without causing any trouble then stop it.

I would be VERY concerned about any adult who was told they couldn’t see my children and then drove past my house and accosted them in my garden . No amount of baking or nail painting would make up for this, it’s a real safeguarding issue.