AIBU - partners ex in-laws always demanding his children

[BeDreamyPinkHam]

Me and my partner been married for a year, have a 6 month old of our own. He has three children from a previous marriage. His children are here every other weekend and a night during the week. Wish it was more but it is what it is. His ex recently moved house about an hour away. This makes pick ups and drops offs more complicated but we are managing

The issue is ex’s family. They are 5/10 minute drive from us and don’t get on with ex. We have always been amicable and have let them visit the children, take them for a few hours on our time as we feel it’s important they have a good relationship with their extended family

The last few months it has been unbearable. We only see the children properly every other weekend as the night during the week is taken up with school
work etc and then before you know it is bed time. Every Friday night of our weekend with the children we get a message demanding to see the children and specifying times. Their maternal grandmother has said she wants the children individually so she can have one on one time with them so the message goes like “I’ll have child one from 10-12, child two from 12-2 and child 3 from 2-4” no please or thank you or what time suits you. This really messes up the day and tbh the day is spent ferrying the children up and down the road

The final straw was Father’s Day when she demanded to see them, he replied that we had plans but maybe the next weekend. Thought nothing more of it until this weekend when child one came in in tears saying “granny said you wouldn’t let us go to hers the last weekend and that you don’t like her”. Turns out granny had driven past our house and spoke to the children whilst they were playing outside and told them this. I immediately rang her to see what the issue was and she said how awful it is that she doesn’t see her grandchildren and that they will have soon forgotten who she is. I told her we have always been fair with allowing her to see them on our already limited time but sometimes we have plans made for just us. She started shouting abuse at me on the phone saying I am stealing her grandchildren from her. I told her if she is going to me like this that she can contact her daughter (ex) and see the grandchildren through her and on her time and hung up. My husband agrees that she was completely taking the piss and maybe this will rein her in a bit. My mother on the other hand thinks I am being totally unreasonable

so AIBU?

Hopefully all goes week this evening. Good luck

I hope the conversation goes well, but this is your opportunity to lay down some ground rules.

But your update changes things - why do OPs do this?? - and she actually sounds very reasonable and a good influence in the kids lives, and potentially good for you to have them around - if she stays reasonable.

I hope you can come to a sensible resolution.

I would disengage - it’s not your problem to sort. However, you are clearly kinder than me. Sounds like clear boundaries need to be set - she should not be taking them in your time when it’s so limited anyway, imo, and she needs to realise you are being quite generous here but there are limits!

If she's genuinely normally a lovely grandmother, I'd wait and see what happens when her DH comes round.

She must love them very much, and it must be incredibly stressful for her to have lost the relationship with her daughter. She must be worried sick that she might lose the grandchildren too. She needs to know that it's this behaviour that will have that result, though.

Again, this is only my advice having read that she's a very good grandparent that normally your children benefit from being with. But it might well be that the stress has got to her and her mental health is at rock bottom so she's acting oddly.

If you can negotiate with their grandfather and he understands your situation, hopefully there's a middle ground where the children are there together once a fortnight or for a whole day once a month or something.

It sounds like they just want what's best for their grandchildren and went off at the deep end. Ex-Fil seems like your in for a rational conversation. Could you go for custody if mums life is so chaotic?

It sounds like you have tried to be helpful so far, but she needs to realise that her seeing them is cutting into their time with their dad who they only see EOW and once in the week and that isn't fair on him.

It's hard, but they stopped contact with their daughter themselves, and they must have realised that the downside of that was not seeing the DGC? They need to come to an arrangement with her as to when they can see them during her time.

But your DH needs to stop agreeing to their demands to see the DC on staggered times during his main day with them. He is losing so much of his own time with them.

t If you managed to sort out a trial period where GM behaves and you are happy with the situation, could you negotiate an extra day with the children from the Ex, so that they could use this time to see GM and it doesn't eat into your time?
Only if GM agrees not to be so rude tho.

Maybe you should move house.

How has the mother left 3 young children if she is caring for them 90% of the time?

Can you push for more time with the kids? Given your updates? Maybe 3 weekends a month? Then there's more scope for extended family time?

She was verbally abusive to OP on the phone. Her manipulative behaviour of sneaking over to speak to the dc left at least one of them in tears. They are rude and demanding to the point where the last few months have been unbearable.

The verbal abuse on the phone would have been the last straw for me. Honestly, just stop engaging with them.

When Her husband has called to say they are and is coming around tonight to sort out her mess, did he ask if it was convenient for you? No, he issued another demand. You don't have to do what they say.

To drive pass and speak to the children like that is unforgivable. She is completely unreasonable.

Stop engaging with her completely. The ex's mother is not your problem. This is probably why she is estranged from her dd.

Where has OP indicated that he demanded anything? This is what she said:

Her husband has called us and is coming around tonight with her to “sort out her mess” so I do think he realises she went totally off her rocker

He sounds like the voice of reason to me.

@saraclara I read the way she wrote it as, he called to say they are coming over, which sounds like a demand, rather than asking if they could come over, which would be a request.

I could have misunderstood. Neither of us were on that phone call.

TBH neither the mother nor the grandmother sound like nice people. OP and her dh sound like they are trying to do their best for the dc, to their own detriment.

If I call to say I'm coming over, it's still not a demand. If my kids said 'sorry, it's not a good time' I'd say no problem.

Even if he just said "I'm coming over" (which I doubt) it still isn't a demand. It's a statement of intent, to which anyone can say no.

The frequent use of 'demand' on Mumsnet does my head in.

It's awful she tried to play mind games using the kids.
She needs to put them first.
It's a shame she can't see them more on her daughters time .

When she left with her affair partner she moved to London with him for 4 months, did not see the children or ask once how they were. One day she came back and collected them early from school and called social services citing safeguarding concerns (no such concerns when flying her kite in London for 4 months) and refused my DP any contact. Took 3 months to get in front of a judge who didn’t care what had happened and did the usual every other weekend and one night a week for dad plus half of holidays. We have tried to go back for 50/50 but it’s the same judge still on the case and that’s what he is know for giving Dads unfortunately. So yes she has left 3 young children for which her parents can’t forgive her for

her dad is very reasonable, rang us and straight away apologised. He asked if they could come over tonight to sort it out, not demanded, sorry if my message made it out he demanded anything. He sounded very upset over the phone and I genuinely believe he just wants to try and maintain some contact with his grandchildren. I will suggest one Friday a month for tea after school, hopefully this works for everyone

I'd be very concerned that you are allowing this clearly unstable woman to see the DC behind the DC's mother's back. Have you not thought there is a reason she has no contact? Please stop this. The DC should be able to spend time with their dad on the small amount of time they get with him.

And I'd keep an eye on what your own mother is going to be like if she thinks this is reasonable.

A 'great' grandmother does not stop her grandchildren spending time with their dad and demands to see them whenever she fancies. Baking cookies does not make up for this toxicity. Your DH needs to learn boundaries and how to safeguard his children.

“Her and her daughter don’t get on mainly because of her daughters life style choices”

and…. She doesn’t need to have a close relationship with her daughter but if they were my grandkids I’d forge some sort of relationship so I could stay in contact and visit my grandchildren. She doesn’t need to approve of her daughter’s lifestyle but by cutting her daughter out she has to accept she won’t see the grandchildren as often. It’s not up to your DH to facilitate this every other week for her during his very limited time with them. It’s probably also the fact you live closer to her is a reason she does this. How can she expect you to make plans if you’re taking kids back and forth all day to hers? I think the tea on a Friday once a month is more than generous

And do not let them decide they 'are coming round to sort this mess'. They will try and bulldoze your DH again and he obviously can't stick up to them. The only reason you've had no problems with them before is you've never said no!

I think you’ve been very kind facilitating this but it’s gone on for quite a while and she seems very demanding.
One to one time for her is lovely but not very typical of a grandparent so if you’re happy for them still to see the children during your time then you need to come up with a better plan.
Ideally their father should explain that it’s his time wit he his children so he should have the priority with them.

The grandmother and the children’s mother should really be sorting it out themselves. Doesn’t matter if she doesn’t agree with her daughter’s lifestyle, that’s not your problem to sort.

It's hardly wanting the best for them to continuously disrupt their time with their father and if any boundaries are put in place to try and manipulate things with the children. It&s the absolute opposite of wanting what is best for them. They want what they want, no matter the effect on the DC.

No, it is up to DP to act in the best interests of his dc.Which may or may not mean facilitating this. Are the children happy to be with their grandparents?