AIBU - partners ex in-laws always demanding his children

[BeDreamyPinkHam]

Me and my partner been married for a year, have a 6 month old of our own. He has three children from a previous marriage. His children are here every other weekend and a night during the week. Wish it was more but it is what it is. His ex recently moved house about an hour away. This makes pick ups and drops offs more complicated but we are managing

The issue is ex’s family. They are 5/10 minute drive from us and don’t get on with ex. We have always been amicable and have let them visit the children, take them for a few hours on our time as we feel it’s important they have a good relationship with their extended family

The last few months it has been unbearable. We only see the children properly every other weekend as the night during the week is taken up with school
work etc and then before you know it is bed time. Every Friday night of our weekend with the children we get a message demanding to see the children and specifying times. Their maternal grandmother has said she wants the children individually so she can have one on one time with them so the message goes like “I’ll have child one from 10-12, child two from 12-2 and child 3 from 2-4” no please or thank you or what time suits you. This really messes up the day and tbh the day is spent ferrying the children up and down the road

The final straw was Father’s Day when she demanded to see them, he replied that we had plans but maybe the next weekend. Thought nothing more of it until this weekend when child one came in in tears saying “granny said you wouldn’t let us go to hers the last weekend and that you don’t like her”. Turns out granny had driven past our house and spoke to the children whilst they were playing outside and told them this. I immediately rang her to see what the issue was and she said how awful it is that she doesn’t see her grandchildren and that they will have soon forgotten who she is. I told her we have always been fair with allowing her to see them on our already limited time but sometimes we have plans made for just us. She started shouting abuse at me on the phone saying I am stealing her grandchildren from her. I told her if she is going to me like this that she can contact her daughter (ex) and see the grandchildren through her and on her time and hung up. My husband agrees that she was completely taking the piss and maybe this will rein her in a bit. My mother on the other hand thinks I am being totally unreasonable

so AIBU?

I would talk with them but put firm rules in place and if they aren't happy then they need to speak to their daughter for more time. Rules like 1 Fri or sat morning a month for a few hours but all 3 kids or you do a day out together. But they need to respect the little time your husband gets with them due to the mess their daughter made

Explain to him you understand they want a relationship with their grandchildren but it's actually hindering their own father having a relationship as well with his time so limited as it is.

This.

Yep- I agree give her a fixed date and time and stick to it. Tell her if she wants more time or 1-1 she needs to re-engage with her daughter who has them the majority of the time. She may be great with the kids when she has her own way but she’s manipulative when it comes to you which is a very bad example. Make it clear to her husband that you’re doing this out of goodwill and any more harassment won’t be tolerated, and will likely result in that goodwill being lost.

Op, you have been kind and generous because her imposed timetable is really disrupting your home life. The schedule is preposterous - if she can't see the children altogether then she cannot see them at all.

@SonicTheHodgeheg You say Grandparents' rights are not a thing, well do think again here. I am a grandparent carer.The Family Court placed my gs's with me as babies and I brought them up. Not because I wanted to but because their mum's lifestyle choices meant they needed safety and stability. You can indeed apply for contact, but you have to apply to apply so to speak, there is an additional hurdle that requires a hearing.

I am not trying to worry you op, because you have been very reasonable. She needs to understand she does not get to dictate terms and perhaps she feels a bit resentful of your (rather than your partner's) time spent with the children. All will come out in the wash. Her estrangement from her dd is not your problem. She may well threaten you but she will then have estranged herself from both parents so I would take these (if any) with a pinch of salt. Just stand your ground, she cannot speak to you like that.

Your case doesn't in the least mean there's such a thing as "grandparents' rights".

Honestly OP I don't like the sound of the grandmother at all. She doesn't care enough about her grandchildren to maintain a relationship with her own daughter. Thinking about what the daughter has done, would you really cut off your own child for the same thing? Most parents would forgive their child the behaviour you've described and plenty of parents forgive far worse behaviour.

Then, the second you said no to her she tried to manipulate you through the children and really upset them in the process. Not okay at all. I'd be incredibly cautious about how much you allow them to see her.

I will suggest one Friday a month for tea after school, hopefully this works for everyone

I think you have to do more than suggest, you tell them that is what they can have on your time.
This woman has bad mouthed you, tried to turn the kids against you ' you don't like her', and upset the kids.
She started taking more and more in the way of timetabling you and demanding that you separate the kids to suit her - which messes up your day.
You need to be strict, or she will see your time with the kids as her contact time.

Grandmother has behaved awfully. She needs to back off. It would be very big of DH to allow her Friday night tea once a month.

She is a toxic woman and you are both very weak passive people allowing her to demand anything.
Her driving by and telling the children lies, upsetting them on father's day is toxic emotional abuse.
Neither of you seem to have a clue about boundaries.
Your mother doesn't sound any better if she agrees.
I would be scaling back her involvement to a minimum and tell her if she EVER upsets and lies to the children again she won't see them for dust.
You need to both assert yourself and protect those children.

dad is very reasonable, rang us and straight away apologised. He asked if they could come over tonight to sort it out, not demanded, sorry if my message made it out he demanded anything. He sounded very upset over the phone and I genuinely believe he just wants to try and maintain some contact with his grandchildren. I will suggest one Friday a month for tea after school, hopefully this works for everyone

Nothing in your post implied that he demanded anything. And whatever you say about MIL normally being great with the kids and them enjoying going there, people here will be determined to think the worst of both of your PILs in every area.

It sounds as though MIL is really struggling with her DD, and is terrified of losing the bond with her grandkids. My guess is that it's affected her mental health and that they both know that she made a huge error.

I'm glad that (unlike most responders) you have everyone's welfare at heart and are ready to listen and compromise. You and your DH sound lovely. The children and your PILs are very lucky. The best of luck this evening @BeDreamyPinkHam.

@BeDreamyPinkHam tell her that she is not entitled to see the grandchildren at all and most certainly not on your dp's time. If she wants to see the grandchildren then she should contact her daughter, not you and your dp!

Make it clear that you’re doing this out of goodwill and any more harassment won’t be tolerated, and will likely result in that goodwill being lost.

^This

Good luck @BeDreamyPinkHam

@VickyEadieofThigh Really? I must have spent the last 21 years being wrong then along with two Circuit Judges and a District Judge.

In Family proceedings the rights of the child are paramount, not the "rights" of others. I simply quoted an earlier poster who indicated grandparents rights were not a thing. Grandparents can and do obtain contact. And not just in our case.

You don’t have to give in to her. Your DH ought to be the one to deal with her, though.

He could offer one session with the children on weekends when it suits him and you. That’s more than generous. If the session is say 2 hours she could choose whether to have them all at once or take it in turns for a one-to-one.

You say Grandparents' rights are not a thing, well do think again here. I am a grandparent carer.The Family Court placed my gs's with me as babies and I brought them up. Not because I wanted to but because their mum's lifestyle choices meant they needed safety and stability. You can indeed apply for contact, but you have to apply to apply so to speak, there is an additional hurdle that requires a hearing.

But that was for a reason, because the mother was not a good bet.
Grandparents do not have legal rights over the children unless there is an excellent reason. 'We want them' is not enough.
If these grandparents have been bringing up the children it is different.

I would have DH reply:

"We have been more than accommodating with trying to help you have access to your grandkids but you cannot just make demands and expect myself and my wife to comply as you are cutting into MY time with MY children. If we already have plans and cannot accommodate you then there should be no argument. The fact you drove past my home and used emotional manipulation when speaking to my kids is completely unacceptable. I wanted to spend Fathers Day with my children as I am their father, not you. The fact you then had the audacity to speak to my wife in such a manner means I am now no longer willing to engage with you and help you in any way. It is not my job to facilitate a relationship between you and my children, if anything, the arrangement should be between you and your daughter. From now on you can arrange visits with your own daughter and see the children on her time when she agrees to it. You have taken advantage of my kindness so myself and my wife will be blocking all contact from you from this point onwards. Please reflect on your own behaviour because your own daughter has cut you off and now we have too - there is only one common denominator in this situation"

This. As my friend and her ex DH were told by a family court judge - children have rights that come first, parents and other related adults have responsibilities that come first.

Stop facilitating any contact during your time with the dc. It's his ex who should be arranging the contact time with her parents during her hours.

Start as you mean to go on….its much easier to have a difficult conversation at the start of something than to bottle up grievances.
The maternal grandmother needs to understand that part of the legacy of disapproving of her daughter’s choices, is a fractured relationship with her own child. Consequently in more conventional circumstances GM would be seeing the grandchildren via her daughter and perhaps occasionally seeing them at yours because you live close by. The maternal GP need to respect certain boundaries and respect your marriage. What is best for your marriage and your stepchildren is that they are secure and not feeling that they are being split in 3 and that you have authority in your own home. GM needs to back off. She is anxious about ‘losing’ the GKids and it manifests itself in her overbearing demands. What does she demand of her daughter ? You’re going to have to be firm with her. She should be supporting you, not acting as a rival for the children’s love. I suspect she had a lot of unresolved pain over the poor relationship with her child and is determined to ‘prove’ that she is a good mother/grandmother. She has alot of love to give, but she needs to temper it by recognizing that the children have 2 homes not 3. Good luck

It sounds like the children would be upset if they didn't see their grandparents and have a lovely relationship with them.

It's not down to you or you husband to let his ex mother in law see her grandchildren, if she doesn't speak to her daughter and wants rights to see them then she is going to have to ask her daughter and if need be seek legal help, taking time from you husbands visiting times is not fair on anyone, it might be hard for the children to understand at first but what if they start to question why they do not see you as much and you keep sending them away when it's your time to see them.

I can’t believe you’ve put up with this taking the individually every weekend for so long. Make it clear in this discussion that that ends now, you get limited time and they will have to see them all together when it suits you but if they really love their grandchildren then they will resume speaking to their daughter and go see them regularly on her extensive time. That is always a choice they can make rather than this totally unacceptable behaviour to you. And if you ever hear them bad mouth you to their grandchildren again then that will be their only option for seeing them.

Grandparents are important in a child's life but dads time is way more important their his children on your times so stop them dictating when they are seeing them.
Understand they miss the children but obviously very overbearing invite them for lunch or let them have the kids for a few hours every couple of weeks .

This!! ⬆️