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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriends Controlling Ex stopping him seeing the kids

56 replies

doobadoo · 07/07/2024 00:08

Looking for some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for the past 12 months, we met at work and I currently live in the Middle East. He has two children 4 and 9 year old girls. I’m not a parent myself so looking for advice of this situation sounds unreasonable.

Boyfriend works away for large parts of time. A few months away and then home. His schedule is all a bit random but he pays maintenance and other expenses to the ex. Every-time he comes back his ex makes it so hard for him to see his children. She changes schedules and is just generally very un co-operative. She is so angry and I can understand to a certain extent as it must be hard in her shoes. But he genuinely is desperate to see the kids and it would be great to be able to give her a break too.

My partner is back in his home country again next week and I am flying with him. We really want to arrange so I can finally meet his children too but ex is being incredibly difficult. I get she does not like me and I am ok with that. We can’t make any plans and we really want to book some fun things to do with the kids. Any advice?

OP posts:

BelindaOkra · 07/07/2024 00:11

i don’t think you need to meet them. If he’s there briefly it would be good for him to spend time alone with them but you might just be confusing for them.

Concentrate on him being able to see them .

WaitingforSpring24 · 07/07/2024 00:12

Yes. Don’t assume she is controlling.
You don’t have any idea about this situation and as his new GF, I’ve seen men make out that their Ex is controlling so many times.

Concentrate on a healthy relationship. Don’t get into conversations about his Ex. Let him sort it out. So what if you don’t meet the children? It’s honestly not the most important thing.

LightDrizzle · 07/07/2024 00:12

If he’s not seeing much of his children or regularly then it’s not the time to be introducing them to a girlfriend.

It sounds like he needs to change his lifestyle and get a job near his children. It must be very disorientating for them. He might earn less but he’d be around reliably for his children.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/07/2024 00:15

But he genuinely is desperate to see the kids and it would be great to be able to give her a break too.

Living in the same country as them and working a job which made access easy would be a start.

Champagnesocialismo · 07/07/2024 00:20

I would stay well out of it. He is not much of a father, and you shouldn’t romanticise this into some of thing that has to change. Children need stability. Your boyfriend can’t provide that. Do not be a drama llama. These kids don’t need it.

Anothnamechang · 07/07/2024 00:24

From a ‘controlling ex’s’ perspective, please stay out of it. You will only vilify yourself.

I was made out to be the controlling ex who stopped my ex seeing our children. It couldn’t be further from the truth, he was more than welcome to see our children. Infact he was offered on many occasions and at one point played the victim so well that the nursery facilitated contact for him and our youngest arranged between him and the nursery. After it happened the manager told me they had a great contact and they really encourage me to keep it up. Well you could’ve picked the managers jaw from the ground when I showed her the email from his solicitor advising he didn’t wish contact as it wasn’t in the best interest of him and our children…. Ofcourse his now ex partner fell hook line and sinker for his fathers for justice fight and stood by him all the way. Until she had a child with him and he done the exact same, now me and a good few of his exs with his children are actually friendly and currently being vilified by current partner.

DonnaChang · 07/07/2024 00:25

He’s a piss-poor father. He’s barely in the same country as his children. How does he expect to form any sort of meaningful relationship with them if he’s never there?

Is this really a man you want to have a life with?

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/07/2024 00:29

From the ex's point of view:

My useless ex spends barely any time with my 4 and 9 yo girls. I parent alone for months on end but when he graces us with his presence he wants access immediately on his terms. The girls barely know him and find this all or nothing really hard. Upset when he arrives, devastated when he leaves again. Now he is planning to use the very small amount of time he has with them to introduce his GF. A stranger when he's barely more than a stranger himself. More confusion and loss for them. What should I do?

ahagiraffe · 07/07/2024 00:32

Keep out of anything to do with the kids. You don't even live in the same country as them.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 07/07/2024 00:32

My advice is to let him take his kids out without you.

If you don't even live in the same country as them, why do you need to meet them?

If his ex is being difficult, it's not like she's going to let them go with him to the Middle East to stay at your house, is it?

Therefore you don't need to meet them.

telestrations · 07/07/2024 00:33

Stay out of it and let him hire a solicitor to get access if he wants to and don't plan on meeting them until he has

BowlOfNoodles · 07/07/2024 00:38

If he left the country after having them? He's not a commited parent at all.

Original poster

doobadoo · 07/07/2024 00:46

The overwhelming consensus seems to be I should not meet them. This is somewhat disappointing as we have been talking about settling in the UK (visa dependent) in the next year or two. I feel like I’ve heard so much about the children and I really would love to meet them. But I can understand that now may not be the best time after all.

I do understand the comments that he is not a particularly present dad to his girls, but I can say he does have their financial best interests at heart. He pays above the odds and they have a good quality of life thanks to his job. So a change of job would most likely mean a change of lifestyle for them.

There is ongoing solicitor disputes regarding the financials but I keep well out of that as I agree it is none of my business.

Boyfriend’s concern with seeking an access order is it is tricky for him to commit to any specific schedule at this point in time. How would it likely work in these circumstances?

OP posts:

Original poster

doobadoo · 07/07/2024 00:48

@BowlOfNoodles he has always worked abroad in this way.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/07/2024 00:49

Boyfriend’s concern with seeking an access order is it is tricky for him to commit to any specific schedule at this point in time. How would it likely work in these circumstances?

It wouldn't. Not for the girls at least.

You might want to meet them because you're thinking about settling in the UK in two years. But that's a lifetime in their life and you can just meet them then. Think about their needs, encourage him to as well.

Champagnesocialismo · 07/07/2024 00:54

doobadoo · 07/07/2024 00:46

There is ongoing solicitor disputes regarding the financials but I keep well out of that as I agree it is none of my business.

Boyfriend’s concern with seeking an access order is it is tricky for him to commit to any specific schedule at this point in time. How would it likely work in these circumstances?

It wouldn’t.

Have you actually seen any evidence that this ex is difficult aside from your boyfriend?

Just check yourself a little; a very manipulative man will use this situation to make you feel sorry and very emotionally engaged far more quickly than you otherwise would.

I note that you are already making plans together. Yet maybe to need to check the sense of that; why do you need to meet the children? Will your boyfriend still be working abroad after you go back to the UK?

Think carefully before you get involved more. I would ask your own father about this guy.

ColinMyWifeBridgerton · 07/07/2024 00:57

and it would be great to be able to give her a break

This stood out to me as a really weird comment. Why would she need a break from her own children? How many days is the boyfriend planning on having them for, that it would count as a "break"?

You shouldn't meet them. And he should go to mediation or court.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 07/07/2024 01:00

Look if you two ever do settle down in the same country as his kids, sort out visas and accommodation etc.

Then might be the time to think about meeting the kids if they want to meet you.

But until then, it's ridiculously unnecessary.

combinationpadlock · 07/07/2024 01:01

she might not want "a break" and she might not want to hand over her children to a man who hardly knows them and is out of the country most of the time - and you should keep well away from them,

Original poster

doobadoo · 07/07/2024 01:01

@Champagnesocialismo

Thank you. I am actually not from the UK myself so it would be a huge decision to apply for a visa.

I am not entirely sure how it would work in terms of work. Partner claims he wants to move to be around for his children, but my concern is he has been doing this job for 20 years and I can imagine it would not be an easy transition for him.

I am open to the role of being a step mum. I am not close with my dad as he left my mum when I was very young. But I had very positive step dad role models in my life.

OP posts:

Champagnesocialismo · 07/07/2024 01:09

@doobadoo - you will forgive me but people do not change. Twenty years hppping in and out of the UK is how your partner likes it.

it is much more likely that he would like you to relocate to the U.K. so he can claim a stable home for his children, you will have met them, and built a relationship on the days out etc. He will remain the same and say he needs to maintain your lifestyle and the children.

Speak to man whose fathering you respect. I think you will fill in the gaps from that. Good luck and remember, good men do not make women feel sorry for them.

Coffeerum · 07/07/2024 01:12

This guy pops in and out of his kids life as he pleases with no routine or consistency and here you are moaning about the “controlling ex”.

Chucklit · 07/07/2024 01:13

Best financial interests at heart? Yeah because that makes up for not being present and stable enough to have regular real contact. Money doesn't make his relationship with his children better. You need to butt out for a start. You might think you're coming at this from a good place but you've fallen into the trap so many have before. These kids are nothing to do with you. You don’t need to meet them, give their mum a break or be open to being a stepmum - how're you going to do that if he can't step up? This is your partners problem not yours.

Ponderingwindow · 07/07/2024 01:13

Don’t date a man that thinks being in a different country than his children is acceptable. His ex is not the problem.

Polominty · 07/07/2024 01:16

Try and think about it from his ex’s point of view, your boyfriend wants to appear and disappear from his children’s lives on an irregular schedule and then when he’s there wants his ex and his children to suspend their regular lives and activities to enable him to do fun things with his girls. I bet the 4 yr old barely knows who he is if he disappears for months on end. Then you want to insert yourself on these rare occasions that they see their dad, behave! You and your partner sound very selfish it’s all about what you want rather than what is best for the children. By the way paying decent maintenance does not make him Father of the Year or entitle him to be a parent only when it suits him.

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