Boyfriends Controlling Ex stopping him seeing the kids

[doobadoo]

Looking for some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for the past 12 months, we met at work and I currently live in the Middle East. He has two children 4 and 9 year old girls. I’m not a parent myself so looking for advice of this situation sounds unreasonable.

Boyfriend works away for large parts of time. A few months away and then home. His schedule is all a bit random but he pays maintenance and other expenses to the ex. Every-time he comes back his ex makes it so hard for him to see his children. She changes schedules and is just generally very un co-operative. She is so angry and I can understand to a certain extent as it must be hard in her shoes. But he genuinely is desperate to see the kids and it would be great to be able to give her a break too.

My partner is back in his home country again next week and I am flying with him. We really want to arrange so I can finally meet his children too but ex is being incredibly difficult. I get she does not like me and I am ok with that. We can’t make any plans and we really want to book some fun things to do with the kids. Any advice?

He's a shitty father.

Ask yourself if a decent person would really choose to live in a different country to their children.

Kids need love and hands on parenting more than an affluent lifestyle. Please don't have kids with this man as he'll only ever put himself first.

His schedule is all a bit random

So for two decades he has come and gone as he pleased and now expects his ex to bend over backwards and welcome him back with platitudes when he decides he wants to see his kids

I'd be bloody difficult too if I was her.

You aren't a parent no and kids need routine and stability not some Disney dad Swanning in and out expecting their mother and them to drop everything to see him so he can splash his cash and make him feel like a hero

I am open to the role of being a step mum. I am not close with my dad as he left my mum when I was very young. But I had very positive step dad role models in my life.

How would you have felt if the short times you had with your dad had been centred around meeting his girlfriend? I get it's a big thing to you, but it won't be to them - especially if they hardly see their dad.

No good can come from getting involved in this. 2 years is a long time - leave him to it and see what the situation is between them all when you move, there's no rush (for you - he needs to pull his finger out and be more present in his kids lives!)

The fact that you're a week away from visiting and there is no plan in place is what stood out for me. The mum looks after those kids 100% of the time, then the moment dad decides to see them her and the two girls have to drop everything to facilitate? No! Whatever job he has he will have notice of when he can visit his children. This should be booked in well in advance or these two poor girls can't ever plan anything in their lives more than a week or two away which is no way to live.

Does he do videocalls every week at the same time? He should be, if he isn't then he pretty much has no relationship with them.

And I agree with PP. You shouldn't be meeting them. They barely know their dad. He isn't a safe person for them as he isn't physically there and there is no regular contact pattern. For the two girls he is unreliable.

Why on earth are you planning to settle down with such a monumentally useless father?

You didn't see much of your dad and you had more than one step dad, albeit positive.

That's conditioned you to think what your boyfriend is doing is ok.

You have known him a year. I wouldn't introduce my kids to a man, or move him into my house, in a year.

Why would their mum be happy for that when she doesn't know you and the kids barely know him?

Why are you moving to his country? Is it going to be good for you, career wise? Because he's flaky and has been flaky for a long time. You may well find yourself there alone a lot. Were you planning to have children?

I'm sure you mean well but if she already hates he's guts being told I meet daddy's gf is seriously not just rocking the apple cart it's shaking it!! If he bearly sees them either it's not quality time is it? It's a distraction you already get all he's free time I'd back right off tbh

I am open to the role of being a step mum

The kids don't need a step mum, no child does if they have a mum and dad. You are their dad's partner.

But for now, just let him concentrate on getting his access arranged. You can maybe be introduced once you are living together and seriously committed, kids don't really need strangers thrust upon them, just because they are dating daddy.

I appreciate all the responses and I realise I need to step back. If I am being honest there have been some niggles and I feel like that seed of doubt I was denying has now been watered.

He is so kind and caring and devoted to me. But he also was ok to walk out on his family citing he was unhappy and had been for years. We met within weeks of his relationship ending and a part of me worries just how easily and quickly he was able to move on.

I do wish to have children of my own I am early 30s and feel my biological clock is ticking.

It's worth remembering you only have one side of the story!

You deserve better than this guy.

Its been a year, and he works away months at a time? You don't know each other well enough to meet the children he also hardly sees, whether that's entirely someone else's fault or not.

Stay well out of it. If you and your boyfriend do eventually settle in the UK and he starts having an actual meaningful relationship with them, you can meet them then.

Are they in state schools in England?
Because the term hasn’t finished yet, so it’s odd to be shoving his way back into their lives again if they are dealing with end of school stuff and transition.
He sounds like an egocentric man who happens to be a father.

With the best will in the world, contributing money is just money, he can always make more money. Kids (especially at that age) don't care about that. They care about having a father that is reliable, present, listens to them and understands them. The money is an adult thing - required so they can have what they need (and so their mother could pay for little extras like a cleaner to spare her time to compensate for having to do the parenting for both of them)

If he's away for months at a time (and always has done), then it's likely that the relationship is more 'fun uncle'

This is the relationship my kids have with their dad.

TBH, it's for the best - they don't feel abandoned because they never had a present father anyway, so having him parachute in every couple of months expecting fanfare and everyone to drop everything is a terrible idea. They need their routine, he needs to fit in around that just as they have had to fit in around him not being there.

I have an arrangement where my ex has to give me 2 weeks notice of when he'd like to visit, and the kids have veto - but he would take them to their activities/parties even if it falls on that contact time, so I am OK with that (even though it leaves me unable to organise anything for myself really, because it's intermittent - my solicitor was surprised I didn't want something more formal, but I knew there was no point)

He needs to build up trust with them, and realise that he is just not a big part of their lives, they aren't sitting in a cupboard waiting for him to come and visit.

I do wish to have children of my own I am early 30s and feel my biological clock is ticking.

Don't have them with this waste of space unless you want to be in his ex's shoes in ten years time - raising your kids alone with their "father" dropping in as and when he can be arsed.

If you want kids of your own, don't saddle yourself with this useless arsewipe of a "father"; he doesn't see the kids he already has, why on earth should he produce more?

If he wanted to he an involved father he would already have gotten a UK based job. The money is no justification, no matter how much it is its really is the LEAST he can do when he's chosen to opt out of any real parenting. Whatever he gives doesn't make it something special. Unless they're otherwise on the breadline or homeless kids need parents who are present way more than they need a 'lifestyle'. The oversees job is all about him and what he wants.

Any half decent parent knows you can't waltz in and out of a little child's life every couple of months and have a good relationship. Mum is probably dealing with 2 young kids who.are uncertain about their father and scared to be away from their mother for long because she's all the parent they've got. Then he's making out her trying to look after her kids needs is somehow her being controlling and denying him access. If he actually wanted a good relationship with his children and to be an involved parent he'd be living in the UK and steadily building up his time and role in his kids life. He chose this, his ex and his kids didn't. I wouldn't have kids with anyone that can opt out patenting like this.

So, your BF left his family only a year ago, meets a new woman a few weeks later, works away for significant periods of time and now he expects the DC's mother to cater to both of your wants?

No, he needs be a more consistent presence in his DC's lives before he starts introducing his new girlfriend to his children.

Be careful.

My exes new wife thinks I'm super controlling and haven't allowed him to see my kids for almost a decade, despite him paying over the odds in maintenence and desperately trying.

The reality is that I see fuck all money from him and he blocked all the kids because he couldn't be arsed.

Very occasionally he would call, and put on a show in front of his wife of "I'm begging to see the kids on X day" which was usually a day when he absolutely knew we couldn't do, which played into the narrative.

Not sure what his excuses are with her now 2 are adults and 2 are teens.

He could very well be creating a picture for you it's very easy to do.

That same man did the same to me when we started dating, although I was 19 and he was mid 30s, but he created this scenario that his ex was a psycho and he couldn't see their kids, and, from everything I saw I believed it.

Now I'm older and wiser and know the truth.

You want dc. In the near-ish future.

So, break up with your boyfriend.

You know beyond doubt that bf is disloyal, disengaged and disinterested as a Dad. He's a flaky partner. He puts his career and happiness first. The only plus is that he allegedly pays for his dc (though I am not sure what the actual evidence is for that).

He's a proven poor bet as a partner and a father.

If you are in your 30's and want a family, move on fast.

Your clock is ticking but don't settle. Move on and fast. If he can never be there for his current children then he'll do the same to any further children.
If he was so desperate to see his kids he would work and live in the same country and take the reduced wage and he would go to court.

It’s likely that the relationship with his ex ended as he refused to put his very young children first and live and work in the same country, at least, as them! He may have promised he would before they had DC and his ex rightly figured that any man who can abandon his DC for months at a time for more money is a shit father and partner. He could have cheated on her on his months away in another country, you just don’t know what happened but you do know that he chose to not be in his children’s lives other than a few times a year. What sane woman would chose to have more children with a ‘man’ like that?

If I was his ex, I’d have no patience with him introducing girlfriends who my DC wouldn’t see again for months (or never again) when the small amount of time they get with him, he should be focusing on them only, not showing off to his girlfriend.

I’m sure you are an intelligent young woman with principles OP so I’d run for the hills and find a decent, child free man to procreate with.

The controlling ex. Let me guess. She has mental health issues too. Older than the hills and 99% of the time it's BS. But the GF falls for it until she's had a child and BF moves on and then she becomes the crazy, controlling ex. I've been on both sides of the fence here so I'm hopefully commenting objectively.

It’s not fair on the kids to have a random contact schedule. I suspect that mum wants to protect the kids from the uncertainty that their dad’s departure has on them each time. Does this randomness include last minute cancellations? How much notice is he giving ? If he’s expecting his kids to be available randomly and at short notice then he’s very unreasonable. No ex and kids would accept this - even men who work away with the army or on oil rigs have a date when they will be back. As the kids get older, they will have other priorities like friends, romantic partners, part time jobs and team sports that will take preference over contact with a dad who is only available randomly. Has he considered how a random contact schedule will be affecting his daughters and how it will affect their friendships and dating later?

Providing for family is important but it shouldn’t be at the cost of the children’s stability. He may enjoy the travel and randomness but it’s really not good for kids after a certain age. I’ve been an expat and it was great fun but the kids had stability like school, long term placements and saw their dad much more so it was positive for everyone.

I suspect that his marriage broke up because he couldn’t give up his globe trotting random lifestyle. Kids need stability like school and ideally extended family like cousins and grandparents rather than random moments here and there. Even adults wouldn’t accept random contact from a partner here and there - why should his kids ?